Long Marriages: The Burnishing of Love

Posted on October 10, 2018 by Bruce Allen

© Bruce Allen October 10, 2018

Relationships, over time, seem to become burnished, the colors changed and smoothed off around the edges. It is the evolving nature of the marriage relationship itself over time which produces this new appearance, this patina of age. It is accompanied at times by some sense of loss, but, in the best cases, maintains acceptance, understanding, kindness and friendship. It is what happens over 40 or 50 years, as lust grows into love which grows into commitment which grows into devotion. It is, in fact, something of a best-case solution to this whole marriage thing; it is rare—perhaps 3-4% of marriages get to the devotion stage—and therefore I consider it valuable. As is the sacrament that produced it and the foundational love that lives on.

A husband like me, whose go-to behavior (according to Strength Finders) is intellection, must try every day not to allow devotion to slip into The Unthinkable. My wife’s illness is with her every day; she’s with me virtually every day. As long as we Are Here Now things are good. Given her remarkable chemo results, it has gotten easier for me not to wander down the rabbit hole. This is clearly not the case for the majority of people with this disease or their caregivers.

When she first received the diagnosis, my wife and our oldest daughter sat down to build a CaringBridge site, which needed a title, which begat the wrist bands from Emily Taylor. My wife simply said it. “Healing, Hope & Courage.” It is, for the bulk of cancer patients, the chronology of one’s mentality, in three distinct phases, each jarringly giving way to the other over a painfully short period of time. The first two are accompanied by a rugged regimen of chemotherapy and its attendant side effects for six to 12 months. No one daring to connect the dots out loud. My wife determined to leave it in God’s hands.

Due, in my opinion, to the combined effects of chemotherapy, prayer, Losartan and quinine, my wife maintains the upper hand in her counter-attack against cancer. Winter will be hard on her, due to her neuropathy and sensitivity to sub-freezing temperatures. But we expect to get through it with relative ease. When the days are short and Christmas is a recent memory we can look forward to lighting the fire and being grateful for having survived another holiday season, both literally and figuratively, in the proverbial bosom of our family.

It is important for patients to have stuff to look forward to, things to keep on the calendar, things to keep them engaged and relevant. For us, it is a trip to Chicago, another to Seattle, before the mayhem of Thanksgiving and Christmas consumes us and all those around us for two months. My wife likes the bedlam caused by a bunch of grandcousins racing through the house more than I do, but it is great to have them all here. Our daughters, as expected, continue completely supportive of my wife, consistently committed. There are now six grandchildren who love themselves some Nanny and enjoy her company immensely. Even the older ones, whom one would expect to start becoming jaded. Remarkable testament to the modeling of good behaviors by their moms and dads.

We recently celebrated our 43^rd anniversary on a short trip to New England. The weather wasn’t entirely cooperative and one of the primary destinations was kind of disappointing. I was a little put out, but Nancy found it easy to enjoy pretty much everything. Our 44^th won’t be spent in Maine, but we look forward to spending it somewhere. It is only fitting that the photos from the schooner, in which memories of 2018 reside, be burnished, too.

Camden harbor from the schooner

Lobsterman at work

Wedding Vows Revisited

Posted on October 18, 2017 by Bruce Allen

Marriage Blog Art.png We were married in late September 1975 in a small Catholic church in the New Jersey suburbs of Philadelphia. It was one of those steamy Indian summer Saturday mornings that hang around, wearing out their welcome, before the brisk, crisp notes of fall arrive in October. The church doors were open, and the bright lights focused on the altar made it even warmer inside.

I clearly remember Gilda Radner’s Rosanne Rossanadanna bit on SNL back in the day, with sweatballs dripping off the end of my nose as I stood, petrified and melting, in front of God and the world and made a bunch of promises for “all the days of my life.” I don’t remember much about the actual promises, vows we wrote ourselves. I’m pretty sure the “…for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health…” parts made it in there.

(To lower stress for everyone, I think the standard set of “I do’s” should be changed to, “Lord, I surely hope so.” If things were to fall apart down the road, the person might feel simply disappointed rather than branded for life in the eyes of God.)

With very few twisted exceptions, I cannot imagine a couple entering into marriage, sacramental or otherwise, without a fervent hope that they truly mean the words they are saying. They hope they’re telling the truth. I suspect wedding vows almost always feel like the truth, but the truth, from ground zero, is often difficult to discern.

Standard wedding vows include the “richer and poorer” and “in sickness and in health” clauses for the purposes of form only. Surely, if a couple finds themselves rich and healthy, it makes some things easier. For the poor and sick, who spoke the same vow, things, in general, are far more difficult. This would presumably include staying married, which can be tremendously challenging with little kids in a high stress environment.

Although we cannot know if we are lying or truthing on our wedding day, we get to find out later in our lives. Looking back, for me, proves several things. Nancy was telling the truth during the richer and poorer part, in that, though we’ve never been rich, we’ve been poor, and she never showed any signs of it eating into our marriage. During times in my life when I’ve been sick, she has been there for me. And now, as it turns out, I, too, was telling the truth during the sickness and health part.

In 1975 I’m pretty sure I didn’t give that part much thought. My main concern, if memory serves, was that I would inevitably, inexorably, somehow, someday bungle things up and land us in divorce court, Catholic-style. As to how I might screw up, there were numerous ways, but which one wouldn’t matter–any would do. I was kind of a slouch, marrying up to a woman with high standards and strong moral fiber. My main worry, besides the stifling heat, was that I wouldn’t be able to hold up my end of the deal.

So, 40-some years later, the sickness part arrived. Since then, I have confirmed to myself that I was telling the truth in 1975. I am ready, willing and able to respond regardless of what sickness brings. I cannot imagine it being otherwise. I haven’t yet been called upon to do much, but I’ve created space in my life I can devote to my caregiver role without advance notice. No one knows how to do the everyday things the way she likes them. No one knows how to manage the home the way she likes it. Our local middle daughter knows and does it all but has her own uber-busy kids and life and job to manage. I am generally the boots on the ground.

Fortunately, my “giving” love language is Acts of Service, which allows me to happily do the numerous small things involved in keeping prescriptions on hand, an empty nest provisioned and financially afloat. We are now both officially on Medicare and Social Security, enmeshed in the safety net of public policy, and doing everything her doctor tells her to do. We are coloring within the lines, and she is exceeding most expectations by being in such good shape at this time. I would like to take credit for her robust health, but that would be absurd and dishonest. She attributes it to the power of prayer.

So, as it turns out, we were both speaking the truth in 1975 and have lived it, per the terms of our original agreement, in full. It continues to work well. It has allowed us to transition from employed and long-lived to retired and dealing with a serious disease. It has changed the conditions of our relationship, not the content. The content, the essence, comes from decades of struggle and delirium and determination, the fruit being our three daughters, their families, and the privilege of assuming the role of Nanny and PopPop. Fast Eddie was the original PopPop for our kids, and I am but a pale imitation for theirs. Nanny has no such pretenders.

2017 has been, for me, a year of examining feelings, feelings about oncology, feelings about God, feelings about the Church, feelings about myself. And although I rarely feel as if I can hear God speaking to me, I can say that living day-to-day is generally low stress as long as I don’t allow myself to think about Life in the Future. The lesson here, and I’m a slow study, is to ask only for our daily bread and let tomorrow take care of itself which, for me, is virtually impossible, since I have put myself in charge of having tomorrow’s bread on hand today. And some idea of what the next day’s bread will look like. Protein, veg, starch.

To the extent we are discomfited by Nancy’s illness, we are comforted by being able to live day to day without pretense, almost always on the same page when it comes to her health. Trying to make things easier for one another. We are weathering a storm and have ridden out several other storms along the way. We are headed in the same direction.

As it turns out, when we spoke our wedding vows in 1975 we meant every word. Who knew?

Couples struggling in their marriages might re-read their wedding vows, to see if they can remember how they felt when they originally spoke them. It might only take two minutes. It might take all night. Doing so might be balm on a series of relational wounds inflicted by life lived multi-tasking at 90 mph in the 21st century.

Doing so might remind us how we believed we were telling the truth back in the day.

May God shed His grace on you.

Want More Love? Be More Lovable.

Posted on April 22, 2015 by Bruce Allen

One of the consistent themes of this site is that a lasting, fulfilling and spiritually rewarding marriage is not about finding the right person, but about being the right person. We have also embraced, since day one, Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body, which lays out the Church’s position on the importance/sanctity of physical intimacy in a loving sacramental marriage. Yet, it has become something of a running gag in American society that couples continue to have serious, relationship-threatening issues about sex, regardless of whether the marriage was blessed by a priest, or whether the couple is even married at all.

Focusing on married couples, it’s no big revelation to assert that sex is complicated. Ignoring for the moment (mostly male-specific) concerns such as frequency and variety, the reality for most couples is that both spouses work and must deal with work-related issues including fatigue, overnight travel, stress, shift work, and being connected to their jobs 24/7 by text and email. Add a few kids, with their homework, social and extra-curricular activities. Some couples must care for elderly parents or relatives. Money is often a source of conflict. Throw in time spent with friends, the pursuit of separate hobbies and interests, housework, yard work and even time devoted to church ministries, and it’s a wonder most couples are having any sex at all.

Though there are no easy answers for much of this, there are a number of things spouses can do to improve the overall quality of their relationship and, by extension, their sex life. Some of you may recall a book popular back in the 80’s called The Five Minute Salesman, the main premise of which was that in order to get what you (the salesman) want, you must help the customer get what he or she wants. Here are some examples we hope may be useful to you and your spouse:

We have occasionally expressed an idea here suggesting that rather than seeking a 50/50 sharing of marital responsibilities (which inevitably leads to some form of score-keeping) we, as spouses, should be willing to give 60% in exchange for 40%. Going the extra mile, without seeking praise or recognition, will almost always enhance our esteem in the eyes of our spouse, in some cases making us appear more desirable.
Take the time to pay attention and learn what he or she likes. This lies at the heart of Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages, which expounds on the idea that all of us have a love language we prefer when receiving love and another, possibly different, language we prefer when giving or showing love. Guys, if your wife’s preference for receiving love is words of affirmation or spending time together, a bunch of flowers from Kroger is unlikely to flip her switch. Both of you need to figure out how the other likes to be shown love; if you can’t do it on your own, read the book together. I’ve observed that many of us are not loved in the way we want. If this describes the two of you, you can fix it.
Worship together. If you share the same faith, attending church together is a high quality hour, feeding both your soul and your relationship. If you attend different churches, try to arrange your attendance so that neither of you must take your small children to church. (If you want to do so, that’s different.) Facilitating a peaceful hour apart is another act of love. Finally, if one of you does not attend church on a regular basis, that spouse can volunteer to get up early and look after the children while your spouse goes to church. In any case, there are plenty of ways to show you love your spouse connected to the observance of your faith.
Cook for each other, or cook together. The drudgery of getting dinner on the table during the weekday scrum can be offset by serving her breakfast in bed on Saturday morning or cooking up something fun together when the opportunity arises. Try a new dish. One of you can chef while the other preps. And you never know where a late dinner after the kids are asleep might lead.
Talk to each other. Statistics suggest that the average married couple spends seven (7) minutes a day talking with each other. If your busy lives make you feel like “ships passing in the night,” commit to finding 15 minutes a day, just the two of you, talking about stuff other than work, the kids or money. Recall when you were courting how you could literally spend hours like this. Now that you’re married, you need this time to maintain your connectedness. Even if it means waking up 15 minutes earlier than normal, this is time well-spent.
Observe the power of random acts of kindness. Taking her car out on Sunday afternoon for a fill-up and a wash means she can go to work on Monday with a shiny ride and a full tank. If he’s been out of town for a few days and gets home later in the evening, a hot meal and a beer, served in some sexy pajamas, might fulfill his every (unspoken) wish. The key here is to do whatever it is without being asked. Complying with a request is one thing; showing kindness on your own initiative is something else.
TOE time refers to what we call the Touch of Eden. During TOE time, spouses get naked, get in bed, and simply hold each other close, without any sexual agenda. Spending 15 minutes like this helps spouses reconnect in an intimate way, without any pressure. It is not meant to be a prelude to sex, but allows room for the agenda to be amended by majority vote. Sorry guys–she holds the tiebreaker!
Pay attention to your personal hygiene. When you find an opportunity for a physical encounter, make sure you are clean, that you smell good, that you’ve shaved, that your breath is, um, unobjectionable; in short, send the message that this is a special moment and that you want to make it as pleasant as possible for your partner. [These may not be universally shared. I read recently of a note Napoleon sent to Josephine in which he wrote, “I will arrive on Saturday, Do not bathe.” Different strokes…] A little background music, some candlelight and his favorite scent can put an exclamation point on things.

If you and your spouse have some different suggestions, please share them. God tells us that the marital bed is a sacred place, and we honor Him when we approach it as such. In the 21st century, we may miss the spontaneity that accompanied such encounters when we were first married. Maintaining a healthy physical relationship in a world spinning a million miles an hour takes commitment, planning and thoughtfulness. Being the right person for each other can only help.

Pillow Talk

Posted on February 14, 2015 by Bruce Allen

In 2008, when we were first discussing the creation of a ministry at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel dedicated to fostering a community that supports married couples in our parish, I recall commenting to Denise McGonigal that this could not simply be about “the theory of marriage.” That, in order to be successful, grow, and attract married couples from every demographic in the parish, it needed to focus on real-life issues, and to include concrete examples of how happily married couples make marriage work. This stance would be leavened with a strong dose of Catholic spirituality, keeping in mind our mission to celebrate the joy of sacramental marriage, as eloquently expressed in Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body.

So, here we are on Valentine’s Day, preparing for our monthly Marriage on Tap event tonight at which over 60 couples will be receiving eucharist, renewing their marriage vows, enjoying a date night meal together, and sharing thoughts and ideas around Denise’s presentation about marriages made in Heaven. An intimate, non-commercial celebration of what marriage CAN be when spouses allow the Holy Spirit to enter their relationship and commit to each other to be the best husbands, wives and parents they can be.

As one of the more secular voices on this blog, I’m always searching mainstream media online for articles and ideas I can ~~steal~~ borrow to share with our readers. Today I discovered a cheat sheet useful for facilitating conversation in the marital bed. Why many of us are more comfortable conducting these conversations in our living rooms than in our bedrooms is a mystery. My own theory, what Nancy would call “the story I’m telling myself,” is that these conversations will either lead to sex or NOT lead to sex, depending on which spouse is more inclined in which direction, comprising one of the worst sentences ever to grace these pages. She, I suspect, would say it has nothing to do with any of that, that it’s probably due to more practical considerations; in our case, I wear a CPAP mask, which makes it practically impossible to talk, and works, for her, like talking with an astronaut.

Enough. Here is the Pillow Talk piece borrowed from TheDatingDivas.com:

Looking Back at Marriage from the Finish Line

Posted on January 8, 2015 by Bruce Allen

Our most recent post was an unsettling look at marriage from the perspective of people in their 20’s, the so-called Millennials. It talked about “beta testing” relationships, about seven-year options with the right of renewal, etc. Worth reading, if you have the time. Today’s post examines marriage from the perspective of couples who have been married up to 76 years. The original article, written by Nancy Hellmich, appeared in USA Today.

Based upon research gathered from interviews with 700 retired people, gerontologist Karl Pillemer has written a new book, 30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships, and Marriage. Pillemer, the founder of the Cornell Institute for Translational Research on Aging, has been married for 36 years to his own high school honey, Clare McMillan. Treading dangerously close to plagiarism, I want to share the highlights of the advice I gleaned from his research, as follows:

Follow your heart when choosing a spouse. This was beautifully described as “the thunderbolt” in The Godfather, whose Michael Corleone experienced it while courting his future wife, Apollonia Vitelli, but I digress. The point is, one shouldn’t get married simply because it seems like the right time. He or she must make one’s heart “soar like a hawk.” And although young love is no guarantee, perhaps we should describe it as necessary, but not sufficient.
Use your head, too. If he or she has a gambling issue or drinks too much, is financially irresponsible or flirts incessantly, it raises the odds against a successful long term union. Our future mate need not be perfect, but there are some definite dealbreakers out there that all of your love and care won’t overcome.
Seek shared values. Sure, opposites attract, and spouses with different temperaments can enjoy very successful long term relationships. My wife Nancy and I are different in many ways, but we share core beliefs in raising children, handling money, deferring immediate gratification to achieve long-term goals, etc. In college, I thought of this a seeking a woman with a “coefficient of boredom” similar to mine, one who could enjoy life at a pace midway between frenetic and lethargic.
Find someone with whom you can communicate easily. It is unrealistic to suppose that Chatty Kathy is going to be able to sustain a relationship with Strong Silent Ken. I’m big and loud and still recall how happy I was to have met a woman in Nancy whom I could not intimidate. Back when I was in the insurance business I had a client with a basic high school education who operated a food truck and was married to a pediatrician. I don’t know what became of them, but I remember thinking at the time that they didn’t seem to have much in common. If you and your intended have trouble talking about important stuff now, it probably won’t get any easier as you age.
Choose the time and place to discuss difficult subjects. My mom used to say that timing is everything, which may or may not be true, but tackling difficult subjects must be done with some forethought. I may not welcome a conversation about disciplining the kids when I’m in the middle of painting a room. She may not want to discuss my budget concerns while preparing dinner for eight. You get the idea. There’s a time and a place for everything. And while you can’t, and shouldn’t, avoid the hard talks, you can certainly approach them with some discernment. “Listen, after the kids are in bed tonight, can we talk about that argument we had at breakfast?”
Put your relationship first. Ahead of your family, your kids and your friends. Ahead of your work, your hobbies, even your favorite NFL team. If your spouse feels you care more about golf than you do about her–even assuming she’s wrong–there’s gonna be trouble in River City. Just sayin’. And, like it or not, your kids should have to fit in your lives; you should not have to build your lives around them. Just because you would give your lives for them doesn’t mean you should, unless push comes to shove, which it rarely does.
Develop some ground rules around in-laws. They can enrich your lives, they can become a burden, or some of each. The important thing is to find common ground concerning when, where and how much time you spend with them. My mom told me to check out a girl’s mom, because that was who she would someday become. I could argue that perhaps Nancy should have taken a closer look at my father, since he’s who I have become. And though these prescriptions are offered somewhat tongue-in-cheek, there is something to them.
Pillemer says that “marriage is made of thousands of micro-interactions” which John Gottman refers to as “bids” in his own research. It is hard to give one’s wife too many compliments, indicating not that you are a fawning dolt, but rather that you notice and appreciate the small things she does for you. If your love language is acts of service (as mine is), it’s nice when they are noticed and received graciously.
Maintain your physical relationship as you age. Not doing so puts you at risk of developing a spiritual distance between yourselves. As Toby Keith says, “I ain’t as good as I once was, but I’m as good once as I ever was.” Even if you’re beyond Toby’s stage, it is important to maintain physical intimacy in your marriage. Pope John Paul II’s “Theology of the Body” proclaims that marital intimacy is a gift from God, and we should treat it as such.
Finally, it is important to be friends first. This doesn’t come from Pillemer, but from me, John Gottman, Art and Larriane Bennett and countless students of the game. Can you imagine an argument with your best friend that would cause the two of you to stop being friends? Me neither. So it stands to reason that if your spouse is your best friend, you can weather any number of storms in your relationship, knowing that you’ll make up and find a way to laugh off whatever it was. If you’re just lovers, you might choose to walk away from each other when things get rough, as they will. Being friends first gives you a powerful motivation to solve problems, soothe feelings, and put things right.

Children of Sacrifice

Posted on May 7, 2014 by Bruce Allen

I was at a meeting at OLMC earlier this week, helping several husbands prepare to discuss the topic “Husbands, Serve Your Wives” at our May Marriage on Tap event. Gary Galvin, one of the founders of this blog, mentioned that the issues surrounding stay-at-home moms relative to working moms concerned him. Never having given this subject too much thought, I was surprised to learn that, in fact, it is a major issue in our parish and across the country.

The various constituencies seem to break down roughly as follows:

families in which one of the parents–statistically, the mom–stays home and cares for the children full time;
families in which both parents find it necessary to work full-time to make ends meet;
some combination of the above, involving job-sharing, part time work, offsetting work schedules, etc.
couples who want children but are unable to conceive and must weigh the alternatives available to them; and
couples who make a positive decision not to have children.

In my opinion, the common thread running through all of these scenarios is sacrifice. The nature of these various sacrifices differ, and deserve some discussion.

Obviously, families in which one of the parents, usually but not always the mother, stay home to care for the children sacrifice the earnings the spouse foregoes. There are some lifestyle implications as well as increased pressure on the working spouse. The hidden sacrifice arrives in the form of social attitudes that seem to discount the stature of the stay-at-home parent, as if effectively raising a gaggle of young children is not one of the hardest jobs on earth. Home schooling lessens this effect somewhat, but brings with it an entire palette of other issues, some social, some academic.

10 years and three kids later. Sarah Galvin, Gary’s wife, gave up a promising law career to be a stay-at-home mom for their four children. Sarah may do a The Good Wife and return to practicing law someday. In the meantime, she has agreed to a non-paying job with a 24-hour a day shift and responsibilities that will affect how their children function as adults. This is sacrifice.

Families in which both spouses work full time have given us the term “working moms,” which is hugely redundant. “Working moms” often have demanding occupations, after which they head home to face a torrent of needs from the children and, in some cases, a husband whose contributions to running the home may be minimal.

Working moms get left out of many activities involving their children, ranging from dance recitals and ball games to PTO meetings, and typically are unable to pursue interests that involve evening get-togethers, such as Bible study or book clubs. By necessity, they generally raise multi-tasking to an art form, devoting time at work to planning family stuff, and taking calls or emails at home during their family time. Working moms generally work according to schedules that are so tight they squeek. This is sacrifice.

[BTW, the consensus at our meeting the other evening was that the term “working dads” is an oxymoron. When our three daughters were little and Nancy would get out for a Saturday afternoon, I would feel a pretty healthy sense of accomplishment if I kept all three kids out of the emergency room until she returned. As for housework–cooking, laundry, etc.–that was simply out of the question. Surviving four hours in charge of three kids was, for me, a major accomplishment, even if two of them were napping at the time.]

Parents in situations where they’ve arranged offsetting schedules, or one (or both) work part time, perhaps in addition to a full time job, often sacrifice career mobility in order to make their domestic arrangements work. Telling a boss, “Sure, I’d like the promotion. The thing is, I need to leave at 2:30 to get home in time for my wife to go to work” is not how one gets ahead in this corporate-centric world in which the needs of the employer generally trump the needs of the employee. Families which require a job and a half to make ends meet need be very selective when it comes to accepting a job; oftentimes the choice is not the best job, but the job that makes the other stuff possible. This is sacrifice.

Couples who wish to raise children and are unable to conceive occupy a radically different world than most of us. The dizzying array of less-than-satisfactory choices facing them is a minefield, ranging from adoption to complicated medical procedures to precise timing-and-action protocols involving cycles and temperatures, etc., that destroy the holy pleasure of making a baby and turn it, instead, to something mechanical, hugely expensive, and/or contrary to Church teaching. The emotional costs of repeated failures can be overwhelming. Some couples persevere and make the transition from being a couple to being a family, but make no mistake about it. This is sacrifice. I have trouble expressing the respect I feel for these couples, who are so willing to do so much to bring a child into this world or into their lives. God bless all of you.

Finally, the couples who decide, or for whom it has been decided, to remain childless. For these couples, daily life will undoubtedly be simpler, less dramatic and generally less stressful. In the best cases, theirs will be lives of tranquility, reflection, perhaps travel or high-profile careers. But they will have to derive their earthly joys from one another.

There can be no thought of legacies or future generations. One of my big fears, that of being forgotten after my death, is more or less assured for these couples. Just as you probably cannot remember who was the MVP of the SuperBowl in 2002, or who was the junior senator from your state in 1978, most of the memories of you and me will reside in the hearts of our children. Choosing to remain childless, then, may be choosing to be forgotten. Though it is of a different kind, this is a sacrifice, too.

Theology of the Body: Practicum

Posted on April 6, 2014 by Bruce Allen

To my immense surprise, I find that as I age I continue to see more of my feminine side emerging. That I have a feminine side at all is a bit of a revelation; that I’m willing to admit it another; and that I see more of it each day an actual wonder. Yet, here I am, unable to deny the following set of facts:

I’m no longer the primary breadwinner in my family, and am okay with that.
I do virtually all of the grocery shopping, meal planning and cooking, and I’m okay with that, too.
I’ve lost most of my lifelong interest in sports.
My second favorite TV show is Project Runway (although Justified, a man’s show to be sure, is still #1.)
I’ve started to follow, and am greatly interested in, a number of blogs directed at women.

Is all of this simply a result of the massive amounts of estrogen in public water supplies, courtesy of the almost universal use of oral contraceptives by modern women? I think not. It is, I believe, a side effect of my blooming interest in the subject of marital intimacy, awakened in me by Joe and Denise McGonigal at a Love’s Sacred Embrace marriage retreat five years ago. There, they presented a series of talks on The Theology of the Body, one of the lasting gifts left to us by Pope John Paul II, which I, as a fairly recent convert to the faith, felt was uncharted territory worth exploring.

All of the preceding is but a long way of admitting that I follow a blog called Intimacy in Marriage by Julie Sibert, subtitled, “Encouraging Christian Women toward Healthy Sexuality.” Her most recent post, “Three Things Sex Tells Us about the Lord” is worth your time, regardless of your gender. I encourage you to follow the link to Julie’s post, in that the three headers about which she writes, by themselves, don’t shed much light on the subject:

He understands the power of pleasure.
He trusts us.
He knew marriage would be hard.

As Intimacy ranks #4 on most lists of the things married couples fight about (see the related post on All Pro Dad), if you’re married and following this blog (and why would you if you weren’t?) there are some useful insights in Julie’s post. Regardless of whether you’re a woman or a man.

Intimacy may have a different meaning for women than it does for men, but the undeniable fact is that without it, regardless of how you define it, your marriage is going to be a long row to hoe. Anything we as spouses can do to enhance intimacy in our most intimate relationship is good. Seeking to better understand our partners, and God’s intentions for us, is a great place to start.

I’d like to continue with this, but instead am going to put on my flannel pajamas and woolly socks, grab my box of Godivas, and head to bed to watch Connecticut and Kentucky play for the national title. One shining moment, etc. 🙂 God bless you.

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