Hurt people hurt people.

Posted on January 13, 2014 by Bruce Allen

Alcoholics Anonymous

Thanks to Fr. Emmerich Vogt and his 12 step ministries for the inspiration behind this post.

As humans, we are wounded by living in a broken, fallen world, surrounded by a culture that seems to celebrate failure, death, violence and decadence. Similarly, as humans, we seek out other humans as our life partners, and they, too, are wounded by the same fallen world. Despite our best efforts, we often hurt one another. Fr. Vogt speaks about spiritual healing, sharing lessons learned through years of service to a variety of 12 step programs and hundreds of participants. He has developed an entire ministry around the divine inspiration built into these 12 steps. Listening to him this past weekend, it occurred to me that the 12 steps can be easily applied to our marriages. With apologies to the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous, I will paraphrase the steps themselves, in order to highlight their relevance to our marriages.

1. I am powerless in the battle against sin; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. This does not refer to the petty squabbles that all of us experience with our spouses, but to the body blows, the haymakers, the capital sins of infidelity, masturbation, porn addiction, gambling and drug and alcohol addictions that have the potential to ruin relationships. Not all of us suffer these afflictions, but those of us that do are largely helpless to fight them by ourselves.

2. Belief that a greater power can restore us. This is the first step addicts must take in order to begin the healing process, and is thus one of the most difficult. It is a necessary, but not sufficient, belief. If we are suffering in our marriages, we are called to find the strength to first believe that we can be saved, that our relationship is not doomed. In one of Jewel’s early songs, she spoke about all of us having “addictions to feed.” As spouses, we are all addicted to something; we must embrace this belief in order to begin the healing process.

3. Deciding to turn one’s life over to the will of God. Probably very few of you reading this have not, in some way, already done this. It is God’s will that we live together in harmony; if it weren’t, we wouldn’t stand a chance. Surrendering to the will of God follows accepting the belief that He can restore us.

4. Taking a fearless moral inventory. If we are going to succeed as a couple, each of us must take responsibility for our own shortcomings. Playing the blame game is a guaranteed path to failure. We must focus on what we refer to as “I” problems, not “you” problems. In the immortal words of Pogo, “we have met the enemy, and he is us.” As couples, I believe that, having taken this painful inventory, we must consider sharing it with our spouses. Or at least as much of it as we can, without hurting our partner. As Father observes, “Honesty without gentleness is brutality.” See #5.

5. Confessing our sins/faults/shortcomings to ourselves, to God, and to one other person–our spouse. Confession is itself a sacrament, and acknowledging our sins one of the basic elements of the Mass. By speaking these words out loud, we take away one of the hiding places most of us use to avoid dealing with our sins–not talking about them. If we are to seek true health, we cannot ignore our illnesses, any of them. We must bring them out into the light of day, before God and our spouses. This one strikes me as another of the more difficult steps in the process.

6. We resolve that we are ready to have God remove the madness from our wounded selves. We must acknowledge that we cannot fix our addictions alone, and we cannot expect our spouses to fix us, either. We need to pray to God, in his mercy, to send The Holy Spirit to give us the strength to choose the narrow gate, to take the first steps toward becoming whole, and healed, capable of loving ourselves and worthy of the love of our spouses. In short, we must first pray, in order to prepare ourselves to be healed.

7. Humbly ask God to remove my defects. One of the characteristics I’ve noticed in the people I’ve come to know and love at OLMC is a deep-seated humility, the constant refusal to take credit for all of the good they do, and their habit of always giving credit to God. My own personal motto, which I do not practice nearly enough, is “Be humble or get humbled.” We must be willing to knock on the door, God’s door, but we must do it in a spirit of humility, seeking his mercy rather than justice. This is true with our spouses as well, for as spouses we all need to give and seek forgiveness.

8. List everyone we’ve harmed, and be willing to make amends with them all. At the top of the list, right behind God, should be our spouses, for they live in our presence daily, and are most likely to have been hurt by our sinfulness. There is undoubtedly a long list of people behind them. It is an inescapable truth that our sinfulness hurts God, and that our spouses bear the brunt of our addictions and faults in the world. For you, there may be a lengthy list of folks behind the first two, but it is important to start at the top. For me, the next five names on the list are my children and my parents, for all of them have undoubtedly suffered at my hands, in my thoughts and in my words.

9. Apologize to everyone you’ve harmed, except when to do so will injure them. For the living people on your list, including your spouse, this is rather straightforward, but must be approached in an almost spiritual sincerity. As for God and the deceased persons on your list, it is only through prayer that you will be able to communicate your regret and apology. Doing so, whether speaking to the living or praying to those others, is a cleansing act, one which should not be dreaded, but rather embraced. How can we not feel better after having sincerely apologized to those people we’ve hurt? As a young man, I went to my parents house one day and apologized for every single word that had come out of my mouth for the previous four years. The three of us shared a toast–several in fact–in celebration of how good we all felt afterwards. That was over 40 years ago, and I remember it as if it was yesterday.

10. Commit to a daily examination of conscience. If we are committed to living in the moment–give us this day our daily bread–we should regularly ask ourselves, “How did I do today?” Some days will be better than others. The point is that healing is a process, not a silver bullet, and we must commit to examining our conscience every day. As addicts, we are capable of falling off our own particular wagon on any given day, and it is alleged to take 21 days to form new habits. If we are to be healed, there can be no place to run to, no place to hide. Examine your actions, words and thoughts every day. If possible, share this process with your spouse; you can help keep each other on track. After all, in marriage we are not called to achieve Heaven for ourselves, but to help our spouses find their way to Heaven.

11. Pray and meditate to increase contact with God. This, again, is a daily activity, as befits human nature. Most of us don’t suddenly fall off a wagon we’ve been on for months or years; typically, we gradually backslide into our old ways. This, I believe, is true for people such as myself with food issues. I need to weigh myself every day in order to avoid waking up one day six months from now and being at the weight I was when I started taking better care of myself. For others–especially those with alcohol and drug addictions–the world can tilt off its axis almost without warning. In either case, by increasing our contact with God we are in a better position to enlist his help. For those of us who find prayer difficult, saying the words of The Serenity Prayer is a fine place to start.

12. Practice these principals in everything we do. One of my best friends, who used to have issues around alcohol, once told me that the difference between drunks and alcoholics is that alcoholics go to meetings. Practicing these techniques in our marriages does not require us to commit to any kind of formal 12 step program. But it does require us to thoughtfully approach each other in humility, with forgiveness in our hearts, in as honest a manner as possible. We must be convinced that we ourselves are, in most cases, the problem, and we must share this spirit. With God’s grace, we will find happiness and peace in our marriages, create loving homes for our children, and model the behaviors that will, in turn, make them good parents to their own kids someday.

If Momma Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy

Posted on December 26, 2013 by Bruce Allen

One of the old jokes Nancy and I have woven into our relationship goes like this, as I tell it. “When we were first married, I decided that I would make all the big decisions and that Nancy could make all the small decisions. Luckily for us, in over 38 years of marriage, there haven’t been any big decisions…” At the heart of this laugher is the concept of influence, the extent to which spouses allow their mate to shape their thinking and actions. And according to the Gottmans, couples who share influence with one another are more likely to have lasting, fruitful and rewarding marriages than those who don’t.
In the 21st century, it is amazing to me that we still see and hear vestiges of 19th century thinking on this subject, marriages in which the husband assumes the role of the dominant decision-maker, with the wife taking the inferior position of having to defer to his judgment (or lack thereof) and live with decisions he makes almost entirely on his own. Less common, I suspect, are marriages in which the wife makes most of the decisions, and the husband meekly accepts orders and direction from her. These types of relationships lack equilibrium and are, hence, less stable than relationships in which influence is mutually observed and decisions are shared. Personally, I’m not sure I would be happy in either extreme, as I don’t like the feeling of being directed or pushed around, but also lack confidence in my ability to make important decisions on my own. One of the qualities that attracted me to Nancy in the very beginning was her assertiveness, the clear understanding that I would not be piloting this relationship entirely by myself.

How does your own relationship stack up in this area? The following 20 true/false questions were developed by The Gottman Institute in order to help couples assess the extent to which they allow their spouses to influence them. Perhaps you and your spouse feel you liberally allow one another to influence the thinking and actions of the other. If you’d like to test that theory, cut and paste the following questions into a Word document, print it twice, sit down together, answer the questions, and compare your answers.

1. I am really interested in my partner’s opinions on our basic issues. T F
2. I usually learn a lot from my partner even when we disagree. T F
3. I want my partner to feel that what he or she says really counts with me. T F
4. I generally want my partner to feel influential in this marriage. T F
5. I can listen to my partner, but only up to a point. T F
6. My partner has a lot of basic common sense. T F
7. I try to communicate respect even during our disagreements. T F
8. If I keep trying to convince my partner, I will eventually win out. T F
9. I don’t reject my partner’s opinions out of hand. T F
10. My partner is not rational enough to take seriously when we discuss our issues. T F
11. I believe in lots of give and take in our discussions. T F
12. I am very persuasive and usually can win arguments with my partner. T F
13. I feel I have an important say when we make decisions. T F
14. My partner usually has good ideas. T F
15. My partner is basically a great help as a problem solver. T F
16. I try to listen respectfully, even when I disagree. T F
17. My ideas for solutions are usually much better than my partner’s. T F
18 I can usually find something to agree with in my partner’s positions. T F
19. My partner is usually too emotional. T F
20. I am the one who needs to make the major decisions in this relationship. T F

An excellent metric for your ability to influence one another follows: If answering these questions and discussing your responses leads to an argument, you may need to work on this aspect of your relationship. If answering these questions and discussing your responses leads to sex, you’re probably doing okay.

Temperament and personality types will enter into this process. For Nancy and me, in that we have significantly different preferences when it comes to Myers-Briggs typing, it is generally helpful when we sit down together to iron out disagreements. As Gottman points out, the process of reaching external conflict resolution often relies on one’s ability to reach internal conflict resolution first, by learning to accept influence from one’s partner. Early in relationships, this can be a challenge, as most of us enter marriage having relied almost exclusively on our own judgment for some period of time. Overcoming disagreements requires us first to acknowledge that our partner’s point of view, though different from ours, may, in fact, be as valid, or even more valid, than our own. Over time, and with practice, couples in successful relationships can learn how to navigate such differences with relative ease.

I suspect this is not always true with couples whose Myers-Briggs profiles are more similar. In such marriages, it seems to me that significant disagreements may be more rare, but may be harder to resolve since each spouse approaches decision-making in a similar way. In these instances, it may be that the best outcome the couple can hope for is to agree to disagree, a sub-optimal solution which, over time, may evolve into a “we just don’t seem to agree about anything” position that could require professional counseling.

One of the most mis-applied verses in scripture is found in Ephesians 5:22-24, which is often used to suggest that women must be submissive to their husbands. But by reading through verse 33, it becomes clear that God expects equality in our marriages. Husbands, if you wish to justify 19th century thinking by applying only the first three verses from this passage, you are likely to end up with an unhappy wife. And, as the old saying goes, if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

“You’re So Predictable”

Posted on November 11, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Many of us have heard this charge leveled by one spouse toward another, whether in a movie, on TV, or perhaps in our own homes. It reflects one of John Gottman’s Four Horsemen–contempt. By being predictable, it is implied that we are also dull, boring, uninteresting and non-spontaneous. It is generally not a compliment. Scripture and The Catechism touch this issue over and over again.

Cat. 214. God, “He who is,” revealed himself to Israel as the one “abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.” These two terms express summarily the riches of the divine name. In all his works God displays not only his kindness, goodness, grace, and steadfast love, but also his trustworthiness, constancy, faithfulness, and truth.

My sense is that this particular flavor of contempt emanates from one of two likely sources. The first is what I think of as “children of chaos.” Kids raised in an unstable family situation, where there is drama, abuse, violence or other negative environmental factors, often grow up to be adults who crave chaos. If there is not drama in their family, they will seek opportunities to create it. If things are peaceful and calm, they will find a reason to cause disruption. If everything is running smoothly, they will throw a wrench into the works. We all seek that to which we became accustomed as kids, and this is no exception. Woe be to the woman married to one of these men.

Micah 7:18. Who is a God like you, pardoning iniquity and passing over transgression for the remnant of his inheritance? He does not retain his anger forever, because he delights in steadfast love.

Another source of such disdain, as I see it, is the ennui of the young and privileged. Kids who grew up with money, who spent winter breaks skiing in Vail, or went on European cruises in the summer, often grow up to be adults with what I think of as a low “coefficient of boredom.” They often find themselves at loose ends, put off by routine, and constantly in search of something fun or expensive or unexpected to get their engines revving. Predictability probably ranks just below “cheap” on their list of cardinal sins. Woe be to the man married to one of these women.

Romans 2:4. Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?

Having grown up in neither of these environments, and having sought and found a woman from a family similar to mine, I feel blessed to be exempt from this particular criticism. Not that I’m immune from criticism, most of it richly deserved. As mature adults, I think we have grown to equate predictable with dependable. Just the other night Nancy and I were sitting together when, unprompted by anything, she said, “I love coming home to you in the evening.” My work schedule allows me to get home in mid-afternoon, and she knows that by the time she rolls in at 6:30 or so I’ll have the kitchen squared away, dinner on the stove, and a cold glass of chardonnay awaiting her. We generally sit together for half an hour and share what our days were like. Having thus disposed of any negative residue from our workdays, we can sit down to dinner together, and then do whatever wants or needs doing in the evening.

Cat 1804. Human virtues are firm attitudes, stable dispositions, habitual perfections of intellect and will that govern our actions, order our passions, and guide our conduct according to reason and faith. They make possible ease, self-mastery, and joy in leading a morally good life. The virtuous man is he who freely practices the good.

It strikes me as logical that boredom with one’s spouse can easily lead one to look for greener pastures, for the excitement and newness that can accompany marital infidelity. Though such adventures are generally short-lived, they may afford the stimulation the pulse-pounding taste of forbidden fruit, what Eric Clapton once referred to as the “dull surprise” missing in some people’s lives. Regrettably, this newness probably wears off rather quickly, leading either to a series of such affairs or resignation to a life of perceived drudgery.

Cat 2365. Fidelity expresses constancy in keeping one’s given word. God is faithful. The Sacrament of Matrimony enables man and woman to enter into Christ’s fidelity for his Church. Through conjugal chastity, they bear witness to this mystery before the world.

Once again, we are reminded that our efforts in this regard should not be to FIND the right person, but to BE the right person. To be grateful for the truth in Nancy’s observation that “for every Jack there is a Jill.” To count among our blessings the stability of our relationships, and the firm platform it provides our children as they are formed into adults. In sales, one of the most powerful statements we can make to a customer is, “You can depend on me to do what I say I’m going to do.” In marriage, God’s grace is found in the spouse who is dependable, faithful, and happy to serve our needs For those of us who ended up with that person, we should thank God every day. For those of us who have not yet become that person, we should pray for the grace and fortitude to persist, to reach the point in our relationships where “You’re so predictable” is praise of the highest order.

Eph 4:32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Defeat vs. Freedom

Posted on November 2, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Another thoughtful post from our favorite guest blogger Anne Slamkowski

Funny how one man’s defeat is another man’s freedom. Isn’t it amazing how one spouse can feel uplifted and free while the other feels defeated. What is even more amazing is that we can walk around and not realize these differences for what can be years unless we open up and talk about them with each other. And how many of us take the time to do that? I know I just assume that Pete feels the same way as me. If I am on an emotional high, then Pete is. If I am floating in God’s arms, then Pete is. If I am on vacation and feeling free, then Pete is too. Right? (You all can stop laughing here).

The point of this is, if we don’t communicate our feelings to one another, then our spouses will never comprehend what we are going through emotionally. Sometimes we NEED to communicate and share those feelings so that our spouse can also see our unique and beautiful view of life.

After selling our Florida condo last week, Pete and I journeyed down to pack up a few personal belongings (pictures, and might I add “stuff”) before closing. We sat outside one night looking at the ocean, and Pete shared with me that he felt defeated. Mostly because he felt like we had given up because it was too hard. I, on the other hand, felt freedom. Free from all of those rental calls about things that were broken. Free from all the emotional baggage of worrying about what is going on at the condo when we are 1000 miles away. Free of debt – that was a big one! But his feelings were valid, even if they were different from mine. His feelings were slanted by societal views, and I could relate to that.

Throughout this process of downsizing our lives, Pete and I have felt very differently about it. I have felt freedom and he has felt defeat. It is hard for a man to give up “things” in life (and I am not speaking badly of men because women can feel this way too). “Things” in life are what society tells us we should work toward. Unfortunately, those “things” can ruin our relationship with God. Our family had begun to idolize those things above God, and I knew that was wrong. Pete knew that was wrong too. Our family was beginning to look like society wanted us to look – and I didn’t like that. “Things” are not bad, but they are open doors to sinful behavior. And when we started to look like everyone else – I knew something was wrong. God made us all unique, and we shouldn’t conform to be something that God did not make us to be.

Pete and I began to realize over the last year, that our life could be significantly different without all that stuff. Instead of each of us having our own bathroom (like we did in our old house), we now share two. Actually four of us share one, and our teenager has her own in the basement (which trust me – is okay with me). Instead of having 4000 sq ft to run away from each other in, we now have 1200 sq ft to snuggle up together within. Instead of looking out at our neighbors everyday, we look out at 8 acres of woods and creek. It is different, and in my viewpoint, it is freeing.

Our perspectives may be different on what we have accomplished over this last year, but all in all, Pete and I both feel a closer relationship with God and our family.

Eventually, I suspect, Pete’s defeat will turn into freedom. We all have to work through emotions when big changes take place in our life. Even with the freedom I am feeling, I still am remorseful over losing “stuff”; I still am sad about “things” that are left behind. So Pete’s words made me feel like I wasn’t alone in my thoughts.

It seems easy to rid my life of stuff, but it seems hard to look at it through society’s eyes. I am the queen of throwing stuff out! I dream of a large dumpster being parked outside my house so I can trash all that “stuff” that people leave lying around. That has not been the hard part of this downsizing kick we are on. I think the difficult part of this ride has been watching others look at us. The thoughts go through my mind about what “they” might be saying… Did Pete lose his job? Have they racked up too much debt? Why are they selling off everything? Are they crazy? How do you think their kids feel? How can they just uproot their kids lives like that? It can be good for their family to just eliminate all that excess, I bet they will regret it.

Life has been a roller coast ride for all of us this last year. Those thoughts of doubt usurp me sometimes, and I can see where defeat could set in. I can see Pete’s side to the story, but I wouldn’t have, if he didn’t share it with me. By him sharing with me about his feelings of defeat, I could see his roller coaster ride a little more clearly. I mean this has been a roller coaster ride for us this past year. God has poignantly made his message clear to us. He has not nudged us, instead he has pushed us – hard. Listening to Pete made me realize that even though I thought we were on the same ride – we weren’t. He was on the roller coaster named Defeat. I was on the roller coaster named Freedom. He was on one with twists and turns and upside down hills. I was on the kiddie version. I thought we boarded the same ride. I thought we were in line together. I thought we were in the same car, but that was not the case.

In marriage, we can think we are all feeling the same way, yet that is so far from the truth. Communication can change that in an instant. We still might not board the same roller coaster, but we can share in the joys and sorrows of it by just communicating. I don’t like those roller coasters with twists and turns and upside down hills, but Pete does. I prefer the kiddie ones. I get to listen and relive Pete’s thrill ride though when he chooses to share it with me. He gets to hear my side too – which probably seems a little boring to him, but he listens anyway.

Defeat versus Freedom – it really doesn’t matter which ride you board, as long as the two of you end up walking off the ride together -in the arms of God.

Rock, Paper, Scissors

Posted on September 25, 2013 by Bruce Allen

by Denise McGonigal

Last night our family was laughing over how our three married daughters and their husbands decide who gets their way in household matters. Like, where to store the ketchup – refrigerator or spice cabinet? (Editor’s note: Refrigerate after opening.) Jif or Skippy peanut butter? Kitchen sponge or dishcloth? Powder or liquid dishwasher detergent? Every couple has their list.

Rock, Paper, Scissors surfaced as Joe and Caitlin’s go-to method of arbitration. Meghan and Jeremy duke it out over their favorite video game – winner’s preference rules. And, to no one’s surprise, Erin touted her way of settling domestic disputes with Keven: “I decide, because I’m the boss.” Good grief, how did that oldest one turn out to be so much like me? Forgive me, oh kind and tolerant son-in-law. That apple just didn’t fall far enough from this tree.

Looking back over the past thirty-four years, I wonder just how many times I let insignificant household disagreements get in the way of family and marital harmony because, well, “I’m the boss.” Why did it matter so much that dishes from a dinner party be cleaned and put away before bedtime? And why couldn’t the pool towels hang over the fence to dry a little? And, perhaps to even broaden the scope a little, what really was the big deal about a child wearing the same favorite outfit every week to Mass?

Thank you, dear younger generation, for offering me a much more sensible way of resolving issues that amount to, well, nothing. I have no skill with video games, but I can definitely develop a facility for Rock, Paper, Scissors. And seriously, as “the boss,”why didn’t I think of that?

Four Ways to Be a Better Spouse

Posted on September 9, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Here we go again, with an article borrowed from Huffington Post. This one has a semi-Buddhist flavor to it, which is a switch from our usual fare. Unfortunately for you, this fact reminds me of the only Buddhist joke I know, in which the Buddhist says to the hot dog vendor on the streets of New York, “Make me one with everything.” Wait for it… Anyway, since the article refers to I Corinthians, I thought it would fit in our blog.

Brandy Engler is a clinical psychologist and the author of The Men on My Couch: Stories of Sex, Love and Psychotherapy. Her recent post, “Four Ways to Love Better” visits a recurring theme on this blog, namely, rather than seeking the right partner, we should BE the right partner for our spouse. As most people married more than once will attest, in the absence of abuse–physical, mental, drug–the grass is rarely greener on the other side. We bring most of our relationship problems with us; if we’re capable of cheating on one spouse, we’re obviously capable of cheating on another, etc.

Engler does not specifically address marital love in this post; rather, she points us toward a wider, more inclusive love of the world and the people in it. This is a very Christian attitude from a writer who strikes me as not overly, or overtly, Christian. But by inference, we are to include our spouses in this view. And if you can guess her four prescriptions for being a more loving person, well, you’re better at this stuff than I am. YOU should be posting on this blog.

Marriage Secrets Of Highly Successful Couples

Posted on August 16, 2013 by Bruce Allen

This is the first, and perhaps last, link to an article on Huffington Post you’ll ever find on this blog. The majority of articles in Arianna’s rag that discuss popular culture are not suitable for a Catholic/Christian site. The fact that Denise McGonigal and I tripped over the same article could be a coincidence. If you don’t believe in coincidences, then it must be The Holy Spirit continuing to work in mysterious ways.

Of course, many of these 10 Secrets are familiar to followers of this blog. The one that struck me as new and refreshing is No. 9 – Successful couples adhere to the 60/40 rule. This argues that, contrary to popular belief, healthy marriages are not a 50/50 proposition. Instead, we are called to commit to a 60-40 posture, in which we give 60 and look for 40 in return. The secret is for both spouses to adopt this posture. When we are both happy to give a little more than we receive in return, the rough patches get smoothed out more easily, and occur less frequently.

Our friend John Gottman gets a shout out in here, as does the poet Robert Browning, who observed, “Success in marriage is more than finding the right person: It is being the right person.” I’m sure there are a lot of divorcees out there who learned this last lesson the hard way. In other words, wherever you go, there you are.

Check out the next Marriage on Tap tab at the top of the page. God bless you and your spouse.

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