An Evening with Vicki Thorn

Posted on February 2, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Vicki Thorn

Our Lady of Mt. Carmel welcomed Mrs. Vicki Thorn to our parish on Thursday, January 31, 2013 for a talk on the biochemistry of sex, which she refers to as “the biology behind the Theology of the Body.” Vicki has devoted her career to raising awareness, especially among teens, of the consequences of the so-called Sexual Revolution as they relate to the physical health of all involved. Vicki is the Founder of Project Rachel and the Executive Director of the National Office of Post-Abortion Reconciliation & Healing located in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

During her 90 minute talk, Vicki revealed a theme about God’s world and plan for humanity. The theme was inter-connectedness, and the message was that God’s power, as it pertains to procreation, is immense beyond our understanding, and we mess with it at our peril. Looking at my notes, I came away with a number of ideas worthy of future discussion:

I learned about “menstrual synchronicity” and the biological significance of the “alpha female.” (And here I thought “alpha female” meant only that she maintained the checkbook.)
How we, as a society, have become “disembodied”, such that we make decisions regarding our behaviors without full awareness of what those decisions mean to our health. In Vicki’s words, we are “stone age people living in a high tech society.”
That my mother’s observation–“before you marry some gal, check out her mother”–was dead on, as Vicki gave a great segment on mitochondria, how women carry the genes from seven generations of their mothers. And how the Y chromosome that men carry has 72 genes, compared to the 3500-6000 genes on EACH of the two XX chromosomes in women., explaining in part why women are so much more complicated than we men are.
That the whirlpools you find attached to the swimming pool in cheap motels, which I refer to as “DNA swap meets”, have nothing on the real world. That women carry in their bodies the genes of their parents, their older siblings, their children, and children they may have conceived but not borne, as well as residual DNA from every man they’ve ever had sex with. Reset, for me anyway, the concept of a person’s sexual “dance card” and how it’s actually even longer than we might have thought.
That what I had heard previously about the presence of estrogen in public water supplies, and what that means for the health of both men and women, is true. A great example of how we, as a community, suffer from the actions, sinful or otherwise, of our neighbors.
That chemical contraception alter’s a woman’s subconscious biologic assessment of potential mates. That the blocking of her reproductive hormones causes her to seek a mate with a higher level of testosterone than she otherwise would. And that men with high testosterone levels are more likely to hit, cheat on, and leave women. She suggested, too, that birth control pills lower a woman’s libido. And, to make things worse, when the woman goes off the pill, she doesn’t like him anymore! Message: that when we play God, which is what we do when we practice chemical contraception, the spiritual prohibition is now supported by the biology behind it.

There was plenty of other good stuff involving immune system issues, pheromones, micro-chimerism, testosterone, cellular communication (biological, not iPhone), and the health benefits of seminal fluid. All of which you can find discussed at length at the sites listed below. This is a brief video of Vicki speaking on biochemistry and God:

Here’s more of Vicki’s stuff : Come Holy Spirit Conferences Healing after Abortion Vicki’s Facebook page “What They Didn’t Tell You in Sex Ed” video

Be Prepared

Posted on January 16, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Matthew 25:13: Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour.

As married couples playing the back nine of life, it becomes easy to take each other for granted. She’s been here for thirty-some years, she’ll probably stay. We find ourselves living in what might be called a state of peaceful co-existence, sharing tasks, drama-free. Connected emotionally and physically in a global sense, but not always on a daily basis. This is risky business, when you live with someone you love, because, as St. Matthew warns us, you never know…

Think about how you and your spouse said goodbye to one another today, or yesterday. Would you want that exchange to be the last one the two of you ever had? One that you could sit and reflect upon for the next few decades. Those of you who may have lost someone close to you without getting a chance to say goodbye know what I mean. The rest of you need to pray you don’t find out, and take steps to avoid finding out sooner rather than later.

1 John 2:28: And now, little children, abide in him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink from him in shame at his coming.

How you practice is how you play; this is what sports coaches have been telling kids for centuries. When it comes to marriage, to executing the finer points of marriage, we are called to engage in daily behaviors that will help us avoid years of regret, and which could possibly cost us a trip to salvation.

We must be prepared.

We must make an effort every day to tell our spouse he or she is loved and safe and appreciated. We must make it a daily habit to kiss our spouses at least twice. Like we mean it, none of these air kisses or little annoying pecks. Real kisses. As if you might never see one another again.

We must have a clean heart and a clear conscience, with the sacrament of reconciliation still within its use-by date. We need to take care of business when it comes to finances, in the event we are called unexpectedly. If your retirement plan falls apart if someone dies, it’s not a retirement plan. The idea is to let the surviving partner “stay in his or her world.” financially. If you don’t know how to do this, make an appointment with someone who does. Today.

We must be prepared.

1 Corinthians 15:52: In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed.

If you believe in the second coming, and if you didn’t you probably wouldn’t be reading this, you know it will arrive with no warning. There will be no do-overs. For me, one of the frightening aspects of all this is the fear of leaving things unsaid with Nancy and my family. I, we, must resolve to have those conversations, to write those letters, to leave nothing unsaid. Men, especially, need to pray about this, in that we generally don’t discuss our feelings as readily as do our wives.

The events of September 11, 2001 played a part in my conversion story. If you’re having trouble understanding this ‘ be prepared” stuff, just think about the sensations experienced by the husbands, wives, children and parents, and brothers and sisters of the men and women who lost their lives that day. Out of a clear, crystal blue sky. On a day like any other. With little or no warning. Think of the husbands and wives who failed to kiss each other goodbye that morning, or who went to bed mad the night before and he was gone before she awoke in the morning, and so on.

We must be prepared. To avoid a life of regret on earth, and an eternity of anguish.

John 14:3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.

We know that what awaits us will be, assuming things work out, infinitely better than the short, generally brutish life most people experience during our time on earth. With the gift of free will, we can choose to ensure that things do, in fact, work out. By consciously and conscientiously practicing our faith. By consciously trying to remain as affectionate as possible with our spouse, in celebration of the fine old wine you’ve become. By giving to the poor and sharing with those less fortunate than ourselves. By counting our blessings. And by leaving nothing unsaid with the people we love.

Because you never know.

Make Your Marriage a (good) Habit

Posted on December 14, 2012 by Bruce Allen

Posted by Christine Burrows

Peter and I have been married for 22 years. Our mothers introduced us when I was 15 and he was 16. We were each others’ first loves.

When he left for college, we wrote letters to one another every day. We got to see one another about once a month, and were always elated to be in one another’s company, putting our best forward for our short times together. Through our visits and our letters, we supported one another through the transitions from home to college, from teen to adult. Although we didn’t make a straight shot from high school to marriage (with more than a few break-ups in between), we finally decided to marry in June of 1990 while attending one of 16 friends’ weddings that year. Four months later, on October 26, 1990, we got married.

The first year of marriage was hard. We had some financial stresses right away, and, quite honestly, I was feeling anxious about the “foreverness” of marriage. I wanted to fall in love again. I would say we were pretty near to calling it quits between our first and second anniversaries. Nothing else explains why we didn’t, other than that God had plans for us, and He shed his loving grace upon us. We recommitted to one another and got pregnant with our first child right around our second anniversary. From that moment on, we have been intensely aware of God’s grace in our marriage. We have been lucky – 4 well-adjusted kids, relatively few financial strains, good health, and almost 100% shared values. Some might consider ours an easy marriage – now.

And then there’s my sister. I won’t air her laundry, but her marriage isn’t as easy as mine. She and her husband seem to wrestle with more conflicts than Peter and I do. But we are both challenged to build strong marriages. She and her husband have to recover from conflicts and move forward. Peter and I have to find ways to not become bored or fail to challenge ourselves to be better individuals and partners. In the end, we all have to create the good habit of being married.

Think about some good habits: giving to charity, exercising, eating healthfully, praying, being on time, etc. While these are all terrific, they can sometimes fall by the wayside because we get lazy. Being a good spouse is a habit we must train ourselves in, and this takes discipline, among other things. We can’t let ourselves become flooded by the tide of stuff that comes up, or because we are simply tired. Intimate emotional connections need tending.

Some of the things you and your spouse did when you were courting might come in handy now – writing letters and poems to one another, going on dates, affirming one another, actively trying to bring joy to the other, doing kind deeds, supporting one another through transitions, etc. Doing these things, establishing and practicing positive habits within marriage, can become the routine if we stay on top of them.

Submission

Posted on December 5, 2012 by Bruce Allen

Posted by Christine Burrows

Let’s break it down. Sub= below. Mission = calling, duty. To put oneself below or under the calling or duty which one answers.

Huh? Not words or concepts that resonate in today’s culture. In fact, they seem rather contrary to the contemporary spirit of individualism, independence, and self-promotion. How do we begin to discuss submitting to God or our spouse, when the concept of submission isn’t one most of us often consider? I started with a surrender…

Several years ago, I read Surrendering to Motherhood: Losing your Mind, Finding Your Soul, by Iris Krasnow. Krasnow was a journalist with 4 boys under the age of 4 when Ethel Kennedy finally returned her call for an interview. She was hip deep in little boy issues, and simultaneously trying to focus on conducting the interview. It was bad timing, to say the least. Finally, Ethel said, “You go do what’s important,” and hung up on her. Iris was devastated, but went on to describe this incident as a catalyst for her surrendering to her calling as mother.

I understood her conundrum. I had 4 kids under 7 at the time, and was doing some balancing of my own – unwilling to surrender one vocation for another. Krasnow’s story made me smile, and I wondered who would need to hang up on me to give me the push to prioritize my callings, and to do so without resentment.

My own surrender was just beginning.

Flash forward to my first exposure to Theology of the Body. I’m pretty sure I was pregnant with our third child when I first heard a woman give a talk at a retreat about Theology of the Body. I definitely didn’t get it. Even though I was a “practicing” Catholic, I had never heard anyone bring God into the marital embrace like this woman did. I thought I was doing well by being a faithful wife, and being willing to have more than 2 babies, albeit on our schedule. While I may have been surrendering to my vocation of motherhood, I wasn’t all that keen on the idea of submission. I’d say at that point, I was a controlled submissive. I controlled when and how I submitted to God’s will in our marriage.

Thank God for women like my sister who desired more knowledge and were bold enough to want to share what they learned. These true evangelists are responsible for spreading the beautiful messages of Theology of the Body my way. As I learned more, I became more inspired to share, and more submissive to God. It radically changed the way I viewed my husband, my vocation as a mother, our family, my call to evangelization, and my love for our faith.

Through the grace of God and the courage of these evangelists, I slowly found peace in submitting to God’s plan for me and my marriage. How many children we have, where we end up living, how much income we generate, how we manage challenges like illness and financial stress, etc. – all managed by peacefully surrendering to God and trusting in his divine providence.

This week I heard a news update about how fewer people are marrying. The analyst spoke about how fewer men want to marry, and perhaps that’s because women have become more aggressive (their words, not mine). Something in this story made me think about that reluctance to submissiveness that we as a culture have. Rather, we have a stronger drive for independence and self-determination. Yet, if we could pause to think about WHO we are submitting to, and from whom we are asserting our independence, this might change. If we openly submit to God, we would desire to enter into the most sacred union God has created for us – marriage.

Surrendering, submitting, and accepting God’s will. It’s so incredibly humbling! But in that humility, there is grace and joy. I strongly encourage all of us to give it a try by taking baby steps in our marriages. Seek a moment in prayer to ask God for His will in your relationship, and see where that selflessness takes you and your spouse.

The Four Major Hurdles to Marital Happiness, Part Two

Posted on November 26, 2012 by Bruce Allen

Our previous post explored the challenges that children bring to a marriage, and some of the financial implications of living together as husband and wife. This second piece focuses on two other subjects that married couples need to resolve lovingly, those being sex and the equitable sharing of household tasks.

About Sex

The Church’s teachings on sex and intimacy in marriage have evolved greatly over the past 25 years. Historically, it was one of those things Catholics just didn’t talk about, as you could even get in trouble talking about it in some places, such as parochial schools.

Since the publication of Theology of the Body and the books that discuss it—The Good News About Sex and Marriage being first and foremost—there are many Catholic resources out there for couples seeking both physical and emotional intimacy in the marital bed.

The Love’s Sacred Embrace retreats at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel are centered on Theology of the Body, on connecting the physical and spiritual aspects of our marriages with Christ’s marriage to His Church. If we ignore the spiritual side of our marriage, it’s easy to get caught up in the secular elements—the ones that come at you in the hundreds—that put a serious strain on relationships.

There will be plenty more posts on the topic of sex within sacramental marriage. For now, let us simply acknowledge that our physical relationship with our spouse is a gift from God, an integral part of sacramental marriage. As Catholics, we are called to celebrate our marriages—to our spouse, and as part of the Body of Christ—fully in both their spiritual and human aspects.

Last word on this subject—it’s okay to have sex with your spouse. In fact, it’s VERY okay. It is a living re-presentation of your marriage vows. And do you even KNOW what The Touch of Eden is? You’ll have to attend a retreat at OLMC to find out!

About the Division of Labor

The commentary on the Mass two weeks ago addressed an idea that has been floating around in my head for awhile, but one that I’ve never been able to adequately express. It is the Servant-Leader, and its importance was immediately visible to me as regards marriage enrichment.

Clearly, the commentary was focused on Jesus as the ultimate Servant-Leader, the savior who came to earth not to be served, but to serve. This model, of service to the ones we love, is a perfect template for bringing harmony to our marriages.

The Division of Labor argument typically finds both spouses feeling put upon and unappreciated for all they do, and usually provokes some form of hostility. In the background of this argument is the suggestion that neither spouse wants to do a heckuva lot more than what they’re already doing to keep the wheels on. It is this orientation, which is completely human and understandable, that must be re-examined in order for couples to escape repeated instances of this dispute.

As with most things Christian, the answer is paradoxical. The answer is to seek opportunities to serve your spouse, above and beyond the call, so to speak. Volunteer to take early duty with the kids on both Saturday and Sunday one weekend. Play checkers with his dad while he goes to a pub on Sunday to watch the Colts. Come home early and make dinner for her book club.

Jesus was the model of the Servant-Leader, and we as husbands and wives are called to serve one another. The side effect, of course, is that both spouses are happier, and a cycle of service can help these small acts of service become a way of life. One that works both ways. Not-so-random acts of kindness that anticipate needs and are offered up without being asked. Leaning into one another, in small ways, rather than leaning away.

For those with too much to do, the answer is to seek one’s partner, and volunteer to do more. Negotiate where the time will come from. Seek “Acknowledgement, Acceptance and Appreciation” for your efforts. Enlist the help of The Holy Spirit. Your spouse will usually reciprocate, and offer to help you in some way, almost always without being asked. Repeat, and repeat again. Release the power of your faith. Give it up, and see if The Holy Spirit doesn’t lighten your load.

Summary

If you and your spouse are spending a great deal of your time arguing, it may be that you could benefit from some coaching in some common areas of discord. The marriage enrichment ministry at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel wishes to be a resource to help improve your marriage. Our bi-annual retreats and monthly Marriage on Tap events are great places to meet other Catholic couples with similar concerns and an interest in creating an environment that supports marriage in our community.

* * * * *

If things in your marriage have moved too far along for the kind of informal support we provide in this ministry, we recommend you seek help from Third Option, a Catholic support group for marriages in trouble.

The Four Major Hurdles to Marital Happiness, Part One

Posted on November 21, 2012 by Bruce Allen

For most couples married any length of time, it’s not unusual to have disagreements or fights. We’ve been told and taught for centuries that God’s plan for humanity is that women and men will seek and find completeness in one another, that the various parts weren’t designed by accident, and so forth. Doesn’t mean we aren’t going to have fights.

Regardless of where you stand in this search, the fact that spouses fight is not terribly important. HOW we fight IS important, and there are scores of books on that subject. Suffice it to say for this moment that there IS such a thing as fighting fair, and that learning how is one of the important early lessons in young marriages. Learning to avoid John Gottman’s Four Horses of the Apocalypse—criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling—is a good place to start.

My view, again, is that regardless of how frequently or how actively couples fight, they tend NOT to fight about a dozen different subjects. They tend to have the same fight, again and again. It may come in different disguises, with different backdrops, but it’s typically the same fight. And, unless I miss my bet, the root cause falls into one of four categories:

Children

Money

Sex

Division of Labor

These, I believe, are the big issues, the potential deal-breakers, the stumbling blocks that keep many couples from thriving through the difficult first decade of marriage and children. Within sacramental marriage, then, how are we to deal with these issues in a successful way, i.e., one that keeps us connected spiritually, physically and emotionally with our spouse in a world that moves at light speed?

This post will focus on the first two. The next post will look at the last two, and offer some final thoughts.

Children

The decision to have children is perhaps the largest question we as humans face as we enter adulthood. Having kids changes everything, is twice as hard as you expect, twice as expensive, and infinitely more rewarding. Until and unless a couple is on the same page concerning whether to have children, when, how many, etc., they are setting themselves up for difficulty down the road. Couples who get married with the intention of finding common ground on this subject at some later date may find it impossible. Too, the notion that having a child, or another child, is the prescription for a troubled marriage is bad reasoning.

Children will test your marriage in fairly direct proportion to their eventual number. Couples determined to survive and enjoy these years will usually reap immeasurable rewards in their later years. As my wife points out in the discussion over religious freedom and healthcare, being pregnant is not a disease. But the commitment, in terms of things foregone, pleasures deferred, lifestyles altered, is critical. We believe it is not our choice as to whether or when God chooses to bless our lives with children, but within sacramental marriage we hope that the husband and wife understand relevant scripture, as well as their own feelings on these issues, and respect the feelings of their spouse.

Money

Money has been called the root of all evil, and it is certainly at the heart of a lot of marital discord. For many of us, money has become our god, and we consume ourselves in its pursuit. Recognizing this in ourselves and agreeing on how to handle money before getting married will head off many troubles in the years afterward. Not all, but many.

Nancy and I struggled financially for years, raising three children while I pursued what would kindly be characterized as a lackluster career. I was on straight commission for 20 years, and my income, in addition to being insufficient, was unpredictable. I put off Nancy’s entreaties to make and live on a budget literally for decades. During those years, I wasted a lot of time worrying about money, and I expect someday to be held accountable for all of that wasted time.

OLMC offers several financial workshops, as well as a host of books on the topic in the church library. If you and your spouse are arguing over money all the time, it couldn’t hurt to sign up for a workshop—together—and start working this thing out. Nancy and I have been on a fairly rigorous budget now for roughly three years, and it has improved our marriage. The process of making the budget and then living (more or less) within it, for me, has been virtually painless. And to think I resisted for 25 years.

One more thing about money. Make sure there is a Charitable Giving line in your budget, and remember Jesus’ words in St. Matthew’s gospel about first fruits.

Next time, we’ll examine the topics of Sex and The Division of Labor.

Evangelization is hard work…and it starts in our bedrooms

Posted on November 19, 2012 by Bruce Allen

Posted by Christine Burrows

The election is over, and there’s no friend of religious freedom in the White House. Does that mean, as some might fret, that the Catholic Church (and all its affiliated organizations) are about to be forever subverted?

I choose not to believe this.

I won’t lie. I am disappointed with the outcome of the presidential race. Maybe you are, too. But does that mean we fold our arms, sulk, run and hide, or instead figure out how to save the things we treasure so deeply about our faith by becoming true evangelists?

I choose the latter.

We clearly have our work cut out for us. Many current cultural and political trends run contrary to our beliefs; we are paddling upstream..This work must start, not in city hall, but in our neighborhoods, our homes – and in our bedrooms.

Our bedrooms? Yes. That’s where we begin to nurture the most important relationship we have – our marriage. Through the marital embrace and open communication, one plus one equals one. When two become one, we are stronger. In this strengthened state, we can begin to evangelize in our families. Then, if we’re lucky, some of these seeds will take root in our children, friends, siblings and parents. They, in turn, may then grow in confidence to share the message of our faith with their friends and spouses – and so on.

I saw a Facebook post the other day. It was one that had been liked by thousands of people before my kid’s elementary school classmate posted it. It was a picture of a husband and wife turned away from one another in bed. The accompanying story described a husband who asked his wife for a divorce so that he could marry another woman. His wife asked him to agree to carry her out of their bedroom every day for one month before she’d agree to the divorce. No spoilers here… the mere act of reconnecting with her physically drew the husband toward his wife and away from his desire to divorce….just too late.

Not everyone who read that post took from it what I did, but there’s a simple point to remaining physically connected with our spouses. Sharing home or parenting responsibilities with a spouse isn’t enough to preserve the marriage. That’s just co-habitating or co-parenting.

Real marriage involves a physical and emotional connection that doesn’t happen in any other relationships. And, when that intimacy is nurtured and God is blessing it, we can do just about anything… handle the grueling routines of raising kids, deal with unexpected hardships, and even do the hard work of preserving our faith and religious freedom.

So, let’s start our evangelization efforts in our bedrooms, and fortify ourselves for the harder work of evangelizing the rest of the country.

Love's Sacred Embrace

Exploring God's Will in Relationships

Tag Archives: Theology of the Body