Defeat vs. Freedom

Posted on November 2, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Another thoughtful post from our favorite guest blogger Anne Slamkowski

Funny how one man’s defeat is another man’s freedom. Isn’t it amazing how one spouse can feel uplifted and free while the other feels defeated. What is even more amazing is that we can walk around and not realize these differences for what can be years unless we open up and talk about them with each other. And how many of us take the time to do that? I know I just assume that Pete feels the same way as me. If I am on an emotional high, then Pete is. If I am floating in God’s arms, then Pete is. If I am on vacation and feeling free, then Pete is too. Right? (You all can stop laughing here).

The point of this is, if we don’t communicate our feelings to one another, then our spouses will never comprehend what we are going through emotionally. Sometimes we NEED to communicate and share those feelings so that our spouse can also see our unique and beautiful view of life.

After selling our Florida condo last week, Pete and I journeyed down to pack up a few personal belongings (pictures, and might I add “stuff”) before closing. We sat outside one night looking at the ocean, and Pete shared with me that he felt defeated. Mostly because he felt like we had given up because it was too hard. I, on the other hand, felt freedom. Free from all of those rental calls about things that were broken. Free from all the emotional baggage of worrying about what is going on at the condo when we are 1000 miles away. Free of debt – that was a big one! But his feelings were valid, even if they were different from mine. His feelings were slanted by societal views, and I could relate to that.

Throughout this process of downsizing our lives, Pete and I have felt very differently about it. I have felt freedom and he has felt defeat. It is hard for a man to give up “things” in life (and I am not speaking badly of men because women can feel this way too). “Things” in life are what society tells us we should work toward. Unfortunately, those “things” can ruin our relationship with God. Our family had begun to idolize those things above God, and I knew that was wrong. Pete knew that was wrong too. Our family was beginning to look like society wanted us to look – and I didn’t like that. “Things” are not bad, but they are open doors to sinful behavior. And when we started to look like everyone else – I knew something was wrong. God made us all unique, and we shouldn’t conform to be something that God did not make us to be.

Pete and I began to realize over the last year, that our life could be significantly different without all that stuff. Instead of each of us having our own bathroom (like we did in our old house), we now share two. Actually four of us share one, and our teenager has her own in the basement (which trust me – is okay with me). Instead of having 4000 sq ft to run away from each other in, we now have 1200 sq ft to snuggle up together within. Instead of looking out at our neighbors everyday, we look out at 8 acres of woods and creek. It is different, and in my viewpoint, it is freeing.

Our perspectives may be different on what we have accomplished over this last year, but all in all, Pete and I both feel a closer relationship with God and our family.

Eventually, I suspect, Pete’s defeat will turn into freedom. We all have to work through emotions when big changes take place in our life. Even with the freedom I am feeling, I still am remorseful over losing “stuff”; I still am sad about “things” that are left behind. So Pete’s words made me feel like I wasn’t alone in my thoughts.

It seems easy to rid my life of stuff, but it seems hard to look at it through society’s eyes. I am the queen of throwing stuff out! I dream of a large dumpster being parked outside my house so I can trash all that “stuff” that people leave lying around. That has not been the hard part of this downsizing kick we are on. I think the difficult part of this ride has been watching others look at us. The thoughts go through my mind about what “they” might be saying… Did Pete lose his job? Have they racked up too much debt? Why are they selling off everything? Are they crazy? How do you think their kids feel? How can they just uproot their kids lives like that? It can be good for their family to just eliminate all that excess, I bet they will regret it.

Life has been a roller coast ride for all of us this last year. Those thoughts of doubt usurp me sometimes, and I can see where defeat could set in. I can see Pete’s side to the story, but I wouldn’t have, if he didn’t share it with me. By him sharing with me about his feelings of defeat, I could see his roller coaster ride a little more clearly. I mean this has been a roller coaster ride for us this past year. God has poignantly made his message clear to us. He has not nudged us, instead he has pushed us – hard. Listening to Pete made me realize that even though I thought we were on the same ride – we weren’t. He was on the roller coaster named Defeat. I was on the roller coaster named Freedom. He was on one with twists and turns and upside down hills. I was on the kiddie version. I thought we boarded the same ride. I thought we were in line together. I thought we were in the same car, but that was not the case.

In marriage, we can think we are all feeling the same way, yet that is so far from the truth. Communication can change that in an instant. We still might not board the same roller coaster, but we can share in the joys and sorrows of it by just communicating. I don’t like those roller coasters with twists and turns and upside down hills, but Pete does. I prefer the kiddie ones. I get to listen and relive Pete’s thrill ride though when he chooses to share it with me. He gets to hear my side too – which probably seems a little boring to him, but he listens anyway.

Defeat versus Freedom – it really doesn’t matter which ride you board, as long as the two of you end up walking off the ride together -in the arms of God.

Rock, Paper, Scissors

Posted on September 25, 2013 by Bruce Allen

by Denise McGonigal

Last night our family was laughing over how our three married daughters and their husbands decide who gets their way in household matters. Like, where to store the ketchup – refrigerator or spice cabinet? (Editor’s note: Refrigerate after opening.) Jif or Skippy peanut butter? Kitchen sponge or dishcloth? Powder or liquid dishwasher detergent? Every couple has their list.

Rock, Paper, Scissors surfaced as Joe and Caitlin’s go-to method of arbitration. Meghan and Jeremy duke it out over their favorite video game – winner’s preference rules. And, to no one’s surprise, Erin touted her way of settling domestic disputes with Keven: “I decide, because I’m the boss.” Good grief, how did that oldest one turn out to be so much like me? Forgive me, oh kind and tolerant son-in-law. That apple just didn’t fall far enough from this tree.

Looking back over the past thirty-four years, I wonder just how many times I let insignificant household disagreements get in the way of family and marital harmony because, well, “I’m the boss.” Why did it matter so much that dishes from a dinner party be cleaned and put away before bedtime? And why couldn’t the pool towels hang over the fence to dry a little? And, perhaps to even broaden the scope a little, what really was the big deal about a child wearing the same favorite outfit every week to Mass?

Thank you, dear younger generation, for offering me a much more sensible way of resolving issues that amount to, well, nothing. I have no skill with video games, but I can definitely develop a facility for Rock, Paper, Scissors. And seriously, as “the boss,”why didn’t I think of that?

Four Ways to Be a Better Spouse

Posted on September 9, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Here we go again, with an article borrowed from Huffington Post. This one has a semi-Buddhist flavor to it, which is a switch from our usual fare. Unfortunately for you, this fact reminds me of the only Buddhist joke I know, in which the Buddhist says to the hot dog vendor on the streets of New York, “Make me one with everything.” Wait for it… Anyway, since the article refers to I Corinthians, I thought it would fit in our blog.

Brandy Engler is a clinical psychologist and the author of The Men on My Couch: Stories of Sex, Love and Psychotherapy. Her recent post, “Four Ways to Love Better” visits a recurring theme on this blog, namely, rather than seeking the right partner, we should BE the right partner for our spouse. As most people married more than once will attest, in the absence of abuse–physical, mental, drug–the grass is rarely greener on the other side. We bring most of our relationship problems with us; if we’re capable of cheating on one spouse, we’re obviously capable of cheating on another, etc.

Engler does not specifically address marital love in this post; rather, she points us toward a wider, more inclusive love of the world and the people in it. This is a very Christian attitude from a writer who strikes me as not overly, or overtly, Christian. But by inference, we are to include our spouses in this view. And if you can guess her four prescriptions for being a more loving person, well, you’re better at this stuff than I am. YOU should be posting on this blog.

Marriage Secrets Of Highly Successful Couples

Posted on August 16, 2013 by Bruce Allen

This is the first, and perhaps last, link to an article on Huffington Post you’ll ever find on this blog. The majority of articles in Arianna’s rag that discuss popular culture are not suitable for a Catholic/Christian site. The fact that Denise McGonigal and I tripped over the same article could be a coincidence. If you don’t believe in coincidences, then it must be The Holy Spirit continuing to work in mysterious ways.

Of course, many of these 10 Secrets are familiar to followers of this blog. The one that struck me as new and refreshing is No. 9 – Successful couples adhere to the 60/40 rule. This argues that, contrary to popular belief, healthy marriages are not a 50/50 proposition. Instead, we are called to commit to a 60-40 posture, in which we give 60 and look for 40 in return. The secret is for both spouses to adopt this posture. When we are both happy to give a little more than we receive in return, the rough patches get smoothed out more easily, and occur less frequently.

Our friend John Gottman gets a shout out in here, as does the poet Robert Browning, who observed, “Success in marriage is more than finding the right person: It is being the right person.” I’m sure there are a lot of divorcees out there who learned this last lesson the hard way. In other words, wherever you go, there you are.

Check out the next Marriage on Tap tab at the top of the page. God bless you and your spouse.

Be fruitful, multiply…and have a good time!

Posted on July 20, 2013 by Bruce Allen

A recent U.S. News and World Report article offers yet another reason to attend church every week. Several studies cited by USN&WR staffer Elizabeth Flock suggest that devout Catholics have more and better sex than any of the other demographic groups studied. Leave it to Denise McGonigal, OLMC’s Director of Adult Religious Education and resident expert on The Theology of the Body to uncover, as it were, this gem of an article.

The research studies themselves aren’t new, one having been published in 1992 and the other in 1994. For those of you interested in crunching the numbers, you’ll find plenty of links to the studies, as well as the organizations that conducted them. Plus, there’s a link to the Amazon page for a 2008 book that, were I not already Catholic, might send me running to sign up for RCIA.

Critics will contend that the studies are biased, that the sponsors have an axe to grind, etc. etc. Bah! The world’s full of critics. Personally, I’m happy to find a small oasis in the desert of anti-marriage, anti-spiritual popular culture. We are called to evangelize, and many of us find it hard to do. Sharing this article with our unchurched brethren may be a step in the right direction. Think of it as the good news about The Good News.

Here’s the article–

Devout Catholics Have Better Sex, Study Says

Group presents data showing those who go to church weekly have most frequent, enjoyable sex.

Marriage and the Mass

Posted on April 20, 2013 by Bruce Allen

By Christine Burrows

Last Saturday, Peter and I attended Our Lady of Mt. Carmel’s monthly Marriage on Tap event. This month’s speaker was Dr. Tim Heck who spoke, admittedly on a fresh topic for him, about how marriage reflects the liturgy of the Mass. I hadn’t heard anything like this before, so I took some notes. Here’s my summary of Dr. Heck’s message.

Thinking about the elements of the Mass, Dr. Heck took each one and drew a comparison to marriage. For instance, the entrance song at Mass is intended to be a joyful coming together. We sing with enthusiasm and anticipation. In our liturgy of marriage, we should seek to re-enter it with a joyful spirit, welcoming what’s to come. Ideally, we should do this on a daily basis, regularly reaffirming our marriages as a celebration of God’s plan for mankind.

Get it? It kind of works! So, here are the other comparisons he drew:

The blessing: As the priest does at the beginning of Mass, spouses should offer one another words and prayers of hope and encouragement.
Penitential Rite: As we acknowledge our sins and sinfulness before God, we should pray for the grace to be Jesus to our spouses by being able to forgive at all times.
Gloria: Here’s where we give praise and honor and thanksgiving to God. Let’s hear an Hallelujah for our marriages! Shout it out, or at least live it out with true thanksgiving for the sacrament.
Liturgy of the Word: Just as we seek to have the Word of God penetrate our minds and orient us toward the eternal, we should seek to use our own words (spoken and written) to inspire our spouses and seek Godliness in one another.
Homily: As we hear the Word of God in the readings and Gospel, we turn to the homily to educate and motivate us. Similarly, we should weave God’s language into our dialogue with our spouses.
Profession of Faith: When we stand to proclaim our shared faith, we present ourselves as a community of believers. So, too, should our marriage profess our devotion to the sacrament and to each other.
Liturgy of the Eucharist: This one requires a whole lesson on Theology of the Body, but, in an abbreviated sense, it’s about physical union. When we receive the Eucharist, we physically bring Christ into ourselves. In the sacrament of marriage, we unite sacramentally and physically.
Sign of Peace: We may see this part of Mass as a simple greeting, but it’s also a way of reconciling with one another. In our marriages, we should bring peace to one another; reconcile and forgive often. Say (and mean) “I love you.”
Silent Contemplation: As we end Mass, contemplating the greatness of God and the privilege to join with Him in Holy Eucharist, so, too, are we called to reflect on and give thanks for our marriage. Breathe in the grace of the sacrament.

What do you think? Does it work as a way to consider your own marriage sacramentally? I’m thinking it might be another way to reflect on how our faith and the rituals within it transcend the actions of attending Mass or rote prayer. When we have parallels to think about that tie us back to our “real lives” it often gives us a greater sense of wonder in the routine. I hope next time you’re at Mass, you remember just one of these and think about your marriage, and maybe head back home with a re-commitment your spouse.

Archbishop Joseph Kurtz on Love

Posted on March 24, 2013 by Bruce Allen

“Couples, like individuals, acquire virtues through the repetition of particular practices and behaviors. They make the virtue their own by freely choosing to act in certain ways, every day.”

Introduction to the “Marital Virtue of the Month” Series By Archbishop Joseph Kurtz (An initiative of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.)

Archbishop Kurtz continues, “Love, of course, is the more excellent way that includes all the virtues. As a couple grows in virtue they also grow in love. Hand in hand they walk the journey to holiness. I pray that you may persevere in this journey, knowing the love of God, the encouragement of the Church, and the support of the many couples who are walking this journey with you.”

This up-to-date piece continues the conversation we’ve been having on this site, i.e., the responsibility of spouses not to simply strive for perfection on their own, but to bring their spouse closer to God as well. We do that not by encouragement/arguing, active evangelization or subtle pressure, but by prayer, by living a committed Christian life, and by creating a wake with the power of our spirit that eventually overtakes our less-committed spouse and becomes irresistible, a wave that can help him along the road to faith. As usual, we must allow The Holy Spirit to work in our lives and those we love. And acknowledge that these things take place in God’s time. Amen.

Love's Sacred Embrace

Exploring God's Will in Relationships

Tag Archives: Marriage