Marriage Secrets Of Highly Successful Couples

Posted on August 16, 2013 by Bruce Allen

This is the first, and perhaps last, link to an article on Huffington Post you’ll ever find on this blog. The majority of articles in Arianna’s rag that discuss popular culture are not suitable for a Catholic/Christian site. The fact that Denise McGonigal and I tripped over the same article could be a coincidence. If you don’t believe in coincidences, then it must be The Holy Spirit continuing to work in mysterious ways.

Of course, many of these 10 Secrets are familiar to followers of this blog. The one that struck me as new and refreshing is No. 9 – Successful couples adhere to the 60/40 rule. This argues that, contrary to popular belief, healthy marriages are not a 50/50 proposition. Instead, we are called to commit to a 60-40 posture, in which we give 60 and look for 40 in return. The secret is for both spouses to adopt this posture. When we are both happy to give a little more than we receive in return, the rough patches get smoothed out more easily, and occur less frequently.

Our friend John Gottman gets a shout out in here, as does the poet Robert Browning, who observed, “Success in marriage is more than finding the right person: It is being the right person.” I’m sure there are a lot of divorcees out there who learned this last lesson the hard way. In other words, wherever you go, there you are.

Check out the next Marriage on Tap tab at the top of the page. God bless you and your spouse.

Holy Matrimony, from Salvo Magazine

Posted on July 22, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Unbeknownst to me until after I shared it, the link in the previous re-post “Be fruitful, multiply…and have a good time” came to us from Fr. Richard Doerr, the pastor at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel. Father Richard must be catching up on his reading, as he has also provided this article from Salvo Magazine.

Though the subject matter, and the conclusions, are similar, comparing Salvo Magazine to US News & World Report is like comparing Masterpiece Theater to Sesame Street. This is a much more in-depth look at the relationship between one’s spiritual life and one’s sexual satisfaction. Parts of it are, bluntly speaking, clinical. It draws from a number of research studies and articles, ranging from The University of Chicago and C.S. Lewis to Redbook, and concludes that piety does not equal prudishness. To the contrary, the subtitle–The Unexpected Connection Between Religion & Sexual Fulfillment–pretty much tells the story.

For me, the most encouraging part of these two posts, aside from the conclusions, is that we appear to be inching ever closer to the day when we will be able to share actual blog posts from Denise McGonigal and Fr. Richard, two of the most articulate voices in our parish community on the subject of sacramental marriage. This blog went live back in January with the idea that both would be occasional contributors. And while this hasn’t yet been the case, we seem to be making progress. Christians across the globe have been awaiting Christ’s return for two millennia; followers of this blog can easily wait a few more weeks, or months, or years even, for the Holy Spirit to move our leaders to join this conversation.

Robin Phillips is the author of the book Saints and Scoundrels and is working on a Ph.D. in historical theology through King’s College, London. Robin blogs at http://robinphillips.blogspot.com.

Support Salvo Magazine here.

Be fruitful, multiply…and have a good time!

Posted on July 20, 2013 by Bruce Allen

A recent U.S. News and World Report article offers yet another reason to attend church every week. Several studies cited by USN&WR staffer Elizabeth Flock suggest that devout Catholics have more and better sex than any of the other demographic groups studied. Leave it to Denise McGonigal, OLMC’s Director of Adult Religious Education and resident expert on The Theology of the Body to uncover, as it were, this gem of an article.

The research studies themselves aren’t new, one having been published in 1992 and the other in 1994. For those of you interested in crunching the numbers, you’ll find plenty of links to the studies, as well as the organizations that conducted them. Plus, there’s a link to the Amazon page for a 2008 book that, were I not already Catholic, might send me running to sign up for RCIA.

Critics will contend that the studies are biased, that the sponsors have an axe to grind, etc. etc. Bah! The world’s full of critics. Personally, I’m happy to find a small oasis in the desert of anti-marriage, anti-spiritual popular culture. We are called to evangelize, and many of us find it hard to do. Sharing this article with our unchurched brethren may be a step in the right direction. Think of it as the good news about The Good News.

Here’s the article–

Devout Catholics Have Better Sex, Study Says

Group presents data showing those who go to church weekly have most frequent, enjoyable sex.

Fr. Robert Barron on Sex, Love and God

Posted on May 10, 2013 by Bruce Allen

We bring you a YouTube video featuring one of our favorite pastors, Fr. Robert Barron, who offers his counter-cultural thoughts on three of our favorite topics. Here is a little about Fr. Barron from his Word on Fire site, for those of you who have not experienced him:

Father Barron is the creator and host of CATHOLICISM, a groundbreaking, award winning documentary series about the Catholic Faith. The series has aired across the country on PBS and EWTN (and here at OLMC) and has been seen and broadcast in parishes, universities, schools and media outlets throughout the world. The documentary received a Christopher Award for excellence. Father Barron and Word on Fire will be releasing a highly anticipated new documentary “CATHOLICISM: The New Evangelization” in 2013.

Father Barron currently serves as the Rector/President of Mundelein Seminary University of St. Mary of the Lake. He was appointed to the theological faculty of Mundelein Seminary in 1992, and has also served as a visiting professor at the University of Notre Dame and at the Pontifical University of St. Thomas Aquinas. He was twice scholar in residence at the Pontifical North American College at the Vatican.

Take nine minutes out of your life to appreciate the video. And God bless you.

Do You Need God to Raise Your Kids?

Posted on April 28, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Here’s another thoughtful post from our favorite guest blogger, Anne Slamkowski. Please visit her Making Room for God blog.

Yesterday, I blogged on a difficult subject: God and Marriage. One of the issues that has comes up time and time again in conversations is how do you balance kids and marriage. Not an easy topic to tackle for sure! Kids complicate and at the same time lift up your marriage. Kids give us joy and bring us turmoil. Kids (and finances) are the first time you learn to sacrifice your selfish desires for your spouse. No kidding.

When you first got married can you remember trying to figure out who was going to pay the bills and how you were going to share the money that was coming in? Can you remember the first time you had to make a decision together about your kids’ future? I would venture to guess that it wasn’t an easy decision. There may even have been some arguing. So when we talk about divorce rates in families today, we cannot help but discuss both financial issues and trouble with kids.

One of the issues with kids is when things go badly. Maybe (like me) you have a child that has medical issues or behavioral problems. Maybe you have a child who suffers from mental illness. Maybe you have a child who is constantly making bad choices. Maybe you have a child that suffers from alcohol or drug addiction. There are so many problems that parents are faced with today. Yet did any of you have training for this during your marriage prep classes? Pete and I sure didn’t. Nobody pulled us aside and said, “Heh, not all kids are perfect.” No one told us the adventures we would be faced with when we started to grow our family. No one told us that our kids could make bad choices no matter how good of parents we are. The problem is we don’t have anything to model our lives after because all kids are different. We cannot look at our own parents and make good parenting decisions because they lived in different circumstances. All we have to rely on is each other and instinct. When things go badly with our kids we tend to point fingers. Have these words ever been spoken (or thought) about in your household:

“If you would have done or said this to him/her, we wouldn’t be in this place!”

“If you would be home more often, then he/she would show more respect for us as parents.”

“If you would have disciplined better when he/she was young, then we wouldn’t be faced with these issues.”

“If you would do your job as a housewife, then our kids wouldn’t make these choices.”

“If only I would have treated my body better during pregnancy, then these medical issues wouldn’t have happened to my child.”

“Maybe I have done something to him/her to make him/her this way.”

“Maybe God is punishing me for something in my past.”

All of these comments go on in our brains. They are doubts that arise during parenting. I know because Pete and I have beaten ourselves up over why Katie has behavioral issues and seizures. We have blamed each other and ourselves. Our doubts could have ruined our marriage, but we chose God over doubt. Thank goodness!

One of the best lessons that I have ever been taught is that my own kids are not my possessions. My kids belong to God. They are children of God. God has entrusted their care to me. I love this because it reminds me that my kids are entrusted to me not because I deserved them, not because I purchased them, not because I own them, but because God gave me the opportunity to raise them for Him. Whether you have adopted your children or given birth to your children, they are not your possessions. Nope. They are God’s children. He gave you this opportunity. What you do with this opportunity is now up to you. You can choose to raise them without asking God for help, or you can raise them with God’s strength. I choose the latter.

If Pete and I were to dwell on all the mistakes we make as parents, I can tell you right now we would be miserable. I make parental mistakes every day. I try to learn from these mistakes. I do my best to ask God daily for strength. I constantly pray to God to show me what He needs me to do.

Kids can be part of the problem in a marriage for sure, but they also can lift up your marriage. If you realize now that kids are not your possessions. Kids are not a way for you to re-live your childhood. Kids are not an opportunity for you to show your own parents what they did wrong. Kids are a way for you to connect closer to God. They are a way for you to see God’s beauty. They are your pathway to a greater faith life. f you are having issues with your own marriage that revolves around your children, ask God for help today. Reconnect individually with your faith. Find a way to keep God first in your life. No one can parent effectively without God. Exhaustion, depression and constant worry are all signs that you have pushed God away and are trying to tackle parenting on your own. Don’t do this! Remind yourself that we all have the ability to be good parents, if we just ask God for help.

More of our favorite people.

Five Dreams for Your Child

Posted on April 15, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Joe McGonigal has been bugging me to help him post some articles from Tony Dungy’s All-Pro Dad site. (This blog, after all, was his idea.) Yet, his name is conspicuously missing from our list of contributing bloggers. As the fathers of daughters–Joe and Denise have four, Nancy and I three–we share some attitudes and wishes for our girls. This article is a nice compilation of some of my wishes and, undoubtedly, some of his.

(My strategy here is to post the articles that Joe and I talk about, beat him to the punch, and shame him into posting some of his own. It doesn’t appear to be working.)

When our children were growing up, I told Nancy I had four goals for them while they lived under our roof. I wanted them to go out into the world:

with healthy self-esteem. Not OVERLY healthy, just healthy.
with great problem-solving skills. Theirs are better than mine, thankfully.
with straight teeth. All that orthodontia was purchased for a reason. And, finally,
with the ability to operate a manual transmission. This,alas, was our main failing, as only one of the three can reliably operate a clutch. Of the four, however, this last one is silly. But if they had been boys, it would have been at the top of the list.

Speaking of silly, I wish I had found this 20 years ago.

In closing, then, I offer this passage from Matthew 18:

At that time the disciples approached Jesus and said, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” He called a child over, placed it in their midst, and said, “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me.

“See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven always look upon the face of my heavenly Father.”

Do You Need God in Your Marriage?

Posted on April 11, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Posted by one of our favorite guest bloggers, Anne Johnson Slamkowski. Visit her blog when you have a chance, please.

I was sitting at a meeting the other night and several of the women were talking about how they were doing this “Husband Project” with their husbands (the book is “The Husband Project: 21 Days of Loving Your Man–on Purpose and with a Plan” by Kathi Lipp). It involved following steps and treating your husband with respect (at least that is what I heard them say). I liked the idea. It certainly sounded like it was working for the most part for each of them. It made me think about my own marriage relationship. I am not sure I need a book to do good things for my husband, but I am also not so sure that Pete wants me to follow a book. I think the premise is wise, but it might just miss the point of keeping your marriage alive. There are varying statistics on the divorce rate in the USA, but it is somewhere between 40-60% depending on the area that you live. That is HUGE – 40-60%. WOW!

Pete and I have spoken at marriage retreats (in fact we are due for a speaking engagement coming up at our own church). We have looked at our marriage from different viewpoints to see how we can make it better (which by the way, you always can improve upon your marriage). We recognize that we speak different Love Languages (“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman). We also admit readily that children thrown in with marriage complicate your relationship in good and bad ways. In addition, let’s throw in your family of origin (the preconceived ideas that you bring with you into the marriage) and your communication skills, and let’s just say that marriage doesn’t seem to have much of a chance with all the baggage that we overload it with. BUT overall Pete and I both would agree that our marriage has been strengthened tremendously in the last six years because God has become the center of it. We finally realized that God must be part of our relationship in order for it to work. Without God, our love for each other will be nothing but physical. Mentally, we need God to make it all fall together. We need God in our individual lives and our married lives in order for this to work.

No books, no steps, no love languages will ever equal what God does for your marriage. Recognizing that God is part of the marriage will give you the mental and physical passion that is needed within the sacrament of marriage.

Colossians 3:12-19 So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you. Beyond all these things put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body; and be thankful. Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts to God. Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father. Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.

If we are going to fight to keep our marriages together in this country, we must find a way to put God first in our own lives. We must find a way to put God in the midst of our marriage. No marriage can survive (at least with joy and happiness) without God as part of it. The Colossians verse above says, in order to be holy and beloved we must put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. How can we do any of that without God as part of our life? How on earth can we forgive our loved ones and not hold grudges if God is not part of our life? It goes on to say, “let the word of Christ RICHLY dwell within you.” Richly gives me the feeling of soil that is ready to farm. Once we let Christ dwell within us and get us ready for the seed of Marriage, then we are ready to produce a beautiful family that will survive anything. If we start with rocky or weedy soil, the marriage becomes a little more complicated. We have to somehow find a way to fertilize our life with God after the fact. When we complicate things with pre-marital sex, co-habitation and multiple partners, it is like starting with rocky soil. I am not saying that if you have made these choices that your marriage won’t last. What I am saying is it will be more difficult for your marriage unless you fertilize it with God in your life.

Throughout my book, “Revealing Faith: Learning to Place God First in Your Life,” I continually stress that my choices were not good ones in my twenties. Pete and I started with rocky soil. Although God was present in my life by the time we married, He wasn’t the main focus of my life. It would take years for Pete and me to build and fertilize our soil so that it would withstand tough struggles that lay ahead. We even added children into our marriage before we had fully fertilized our life with God. It was a struggle. Once we both refocused our life toward God (which we did after a wonderful marriage retreat at our church in Champaign, Illinois), we realized that we were missing a very important person in our marriage: God. As our individual faith lives grew (over many years), our soil became more and more fertile. When we finally gave birth to our third child, Katie, we were faced with a tremendous struggle. Katie suffered from multiple medical problems at the age of one (she suffers from complex partial seizures). Later we would find behavioral issues and anxiety laced with depression to be part of Katie’s life. If Pete and I had not fertilized our life with God, I could see where this would have made our marriage very complicated and difficult (and trust me it still is a struggle), but with God in the center of our marriage it all seems doable. We rely on His strength. Our kids rely on His strength. We thank God to this day that He entered our marriage and let us re-fertilize our family with his Wisdom.

My favorite part of the Colossians verse is that we admonish one another with psalms and hymns and spiritual songs. Well, Pete and I don’t go around singing to each other (thank goodness), but we do listen to praise and worship songs together, we sing psalms at church together, and we find ways to love each other by sacrificing our selfish desires in order to place God’s Will first.

Love's Sacred Embrace

Exploring God's Will in Relationships

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