We Have Met the Enemy, and He is Us

Posted on January 3, 2015 by Bruce Allen

Happy New Year, couples. Yes, we’ve been in hiatus for months, dealing with a number of issues ranging from travel and health concerns to a relative lack of inspiration from many of our usual contributors. Now that 2015 is upon us, I am hoping for some renewed energy and relying on The Holy Spirit to provide it to all of us, with a tip of the hat to Walt Kelly

A recurring theme in this blog is that successful marriages are not about finding the right person as much as being the right person. When things go wrong in our lives, it is not unusual to blame others–employers, spouses, friends, bad ju-ju, etc. Yet, in most cases, we have only ourselves to blame, which is inconvenient in that it forces us to change our behaviors and/or our attitudes toward the things that comprise our lives.

I direct your attention to a recent article published in Huffington Post (yes, them again) about a failed marriage, written by the now ex-wife. In a nutshell, her ex lied to her, cheated on her, and finally abandoned the family. Some time later, in therapy, she realized that her own foibles were at the root of much of what went wrong in the relationship. I encourage you to read the article, but let me summarize what she refers to as the “four huge mistakes I made” that led to the breakdown of the marriage:

I put my children first. While it is a holy obligation to care for one’s kids, it is easy to allow them to become a place to escape to when difficulties arise in your relationship with your spouse. This particular issue typically afflicts wives more than husbands, but men are not exempt, either. This evokes the instructions we get while waiting for a plane to take off, that we are supposed to affix our own oxygen masks before taking care of the kids.
I didn’t set (or enforce) boundaries with my parents. While many of us are blessed with parents who live nearby and love interacting with and helping out with our kids, for some spouses this can become burdensome. Our spouses married us; they didn’t marry our entire families. For some spouses, when this occurs, it is a hard conversation to have, telling your spouse that you want/need some space from your inlaws. That conversation, however, pales in difficulty to the one in which you tell him or her you’re moving out.
I emasculated him. The author’s reflections on this subject are straight out of John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse–criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Talking smack about our spouses with our friends simply adds fuel to the fire, stoking our own rage and setting the stage for gossip which can work its way back to the spouse. “I hear your wife said you’re lousy in the sack” is not something I want to hear while waiting on the first tee with my golfing buddies. Reading Gottman’s book allows us to both recognize these deadly sins and offers concrete advice on how to work through them.
I didn’t bother to learn to fight the right way. The notion of “fighting fairly” is one that intrigues me and is, again, a subject to which John Gottman devotes a lot of attention. All couples are going to disagree at times, and a number of these disagreements can escalate into fights. Learning how to fight fairly–my wife Nancy is better at this than I am–provides opportunities to turn these arguments into understanding. Keep in mind that, when it comes to arguing, your objective should not be to win; your objective should be to recognize the root causes of the fight and change behaviors in order to avoid them in the future. We need to seek understanding rather than victory. In the long run, winning is less desirable than creating win-win situations.

The title of this post is one of Pogo’s lasting contributions to western society. When difficulties arise in our marriages, we are encouraged to reflect on how we have contributed to the problem, rather than taking the easy, shortsighted way out and simply blaming everything on our spouses. It takes two to tango; the reason cliches are cliches is because they are generally true. Let us pray the Serenity Prayer and look inside ourselves before berating our spouses for their shortcomings. More often than not, the enemy is us.

Being Known

Posted on March 29, 2014 by Bruce Allen

Recently, I tripped over two nice blogs focused on Christian marriage. Written and collected by Lori and Paul Byerly, they are, respectively, The Generous Wife and The Generous Husband. I have added them to my blog feed at feedly.com and look forward to re-posting their stuff on a regular basis.

One of Paul’s recent posts is entitled 7 Awesome Things I Love About Being a Married Man. In it, he discusses, among other things, growing, having a best friend, sex (!) and one gift to which I haven’t given nearly enough thought: Being Known.

According to my wife Nancy, being known is a basic human need, derived from God’s selfsame desire to be known by us. Certainly, we accept the notion that God knows us–including the shrinking number of hairs on our heads–and scripture teaches us about His desire to be known, intimately, by us.

As I look back over our 31 years of married bliss (punchline: the other seven years weren’t all that bad; thank you for the kind applause), I realize that Nancy knows me better than anyone on the face of the earth. Better than our daughters do. Better than my parents ever did. Better than the best of my friends does or ever will. Better, perhaps, than I know myself. Why is this so important, at least to me?

It relieves me of having to explain any number of tiresome things–things I like and dislike (ranging from food to politics), stories from my past (she’s heard them all a thousand times), in short, the way I like the things in my life ordered. She can pretty much tell just from my body language exactly what I’m thinking at any given moment.
She has seen me at my absolute best and my shameful worst, and has committed to stay with me until death do us part. She requires no impressing, although I continue to try. (She’s from New Jersey, and so it’s hard…)
We have arrived at a set of shared values that are well understood, mutually, and upon which we can each rely 24/7/365.
I find comfort in the fact that, in the likely event I will one day predecease her, she will help keep my memory alive for our kids and theirs. For, along with wanting to be known, I have a pronounced dread of being forgotten. (Other than their names, I know virtually nothing about my father’s parents; completely forgotten within two generations.)
Ironically, I find that I do not really want to be well-known outside of my immediate family. I cultivate a persona at work, for example, that does not really reflect who I am. There is a very small group of people with whom I work–maybe three or four–whom I allow to see what I think of as the REAL me.

Couples who meet, start dating, become engaged, get married, and survive the first ten years of marriage do not typically enjoy the gift of being fully known. The gift of being known is, for me, comparable to wood or metal which, over time, gets burnished by touch and use, becoming slightly worn but more lustrous. The more visceral gifts of new relationships that succeed thus give way to the cerebral joy of knowing, and being known by, the person who will, ideally, become your favorite person in the world.

God willing. And He is.

Pleasing God, if Only for a Moment

Posted on February 9, 2014 by Bruce Allen

On Saturday, February 8, roughly 60 couples renewed their wedding vows at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel. The event, organized by the Love’s Sacred Embrace ministry, was lightly publicized, yet the response was robust, and included a number of couples that had not previously attended Marriage on Tap or any of the annual retreats. Those renewing their vows spanned a wide range, from friends married for five months to others married more than five decades. Father Doerr and Father Arbuckle sounded a bit hoarse when the blessings were finally concluded. God’s grace was present in great abundance last night.

After dinner, Denise McGonigal and I were chatting about the evening. She and Joe are facilitating a day-long marriage prep day today at church, prompting us to marvel at the general lack of awareness with which most young couples approach the sacrament of marriage. Although the demographics of couples getting married for the first time are changing (trending to older and more affluent, while the overall numbers shrink), it’s still true that the vast majority of couples entering into the sacrament have absolutely no idea what they are in for, no idea of the scope and depth of the promises they are making. Generally, they are far more aware of the atmospherics–planning, invitations, seating charts, cakes, rehearsals–than they are of the promises they are exchanging, ostensibly until one of them dies. Even if they are exceptionally aware and alert, there is no practical way to describe how the entry of children into the equation changes things. Add to all of this the weight of a popular culture that is generally scornful and corrosive toward the institution of marriage, and it’s no wonder so many marriages fail within the first ten years. In fact, it may be a wonder that so many survive.

The only possible explanation behind the marriages that actually make it until the death of a spouse is God’s grace. Yet, as Catholics, we are taught that grace cannot be earned, that our only hope of receiving something approaching “our share” is to be open to His Spirit. Active practice of our faith–attending Mass, prayer, studying scripture, serving the poor and those less fortunate than ourselves–may put us in a favorable position with God, but guarantee nothing insofar as gaining grace is concerned. Is it, then, simply the luck of the draw?

Perhaps. But there are things we can do to improve our chances. As Anne and Pete Slamkowski shared with us last night, we can love our spouses intentionally. We can read and learn from folks like John Gottman and Art and Laraine Bennett, who have written about the secrets of highly successful marriages. We can commit to BEING the right person, rather than SEARCHING for the right person, when it comes to marriage. We can focus on fixing our own flaws, rather than harping on the flaws of our mate. We can approach the challenges of keeping a home and raising children in a spirit of equality, of shared duties, rather than the common practice (engaged in by many men) of relegating these functions to the wife, an anachronistic vestige of the “women’s work” mentality of the 19th century. Finally, we can enlist God’s help, through prayers of adoration, contrition, thanksgiving and supplication, to see us through the difficult times, and help us appreciate the good.

Last night, 60 couples said, in effect, “I chose well when I married you the first time, and I am blessed and happy to be able to marry you again.” In an age of rampant materialism, obscene popular culture, shameful income inequality, global strife and a planet seemingly dedicated to contravening God’s word, in a small, quiet snowy community in central Indiana, a few of us gave God reason to celebrate His creation. It was an honor to be a part of it.

Commitment, candor, and communication

Posted on February 3, 2014 by Bruce Allen

Three essential elements of any meaningful relationship. Beautiful little film. Enjoy.

Be Friends First

Posted on February 1, 2014 by Bruce Allen

As an adolescent, working my way through the minefield residing under the heading “Girls--Junior High School/High School,” I was the kind of guy with whom the popular, top-tier girls always wanted to be “just friends.” For most teen guys, this is the kiss of death, damnation by faint praise. I had plenty of perfectly good GUY friends, and was interested in something, um, different from female companionship. Being told I was unlikely to rise above the stature of “friend” by a member of the “cheerleader class” was usually a serious blow to the fragile ego of a teenager. (Generally, I suspected the fact that they even wanted to be friends with me at all was because I was good at math.)

Heading into the 40th year of my marriage, I understand that couples must be friends before they can be spouses. John Gottman goes into this at some length in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. One of the fundamental qualities of friendship is the habit of ascribing good intentions to our friends. In her blog post entitled Secrets of Happily Married Couples, writer Shaunti Feldhahn discusses this truth very thoughtfully. Please follow the link to her blog site at Proverbs 31 Ministries.

If Momma Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy

Posted on December 26, 2013 by Bruce Allen

One of the old jokes Nancy and I have woven into our relationship goes like this, as I tell it. “When we were first married, I decided that I would make all the big decisions and that Nancy could make all the small decisions. Luckily for us, in over 38 years of marriage, there haven’t been any big decisions…” At the heart of this laugher is the concept of influence, the extent to which spouses allow their mate to shape their thinking and actions. And according to the Gottmans, couples who share influence with one another are more likely to have lasting, fruitful and rewarding marriages than those who don’t.
In the 21st century, it is amazing to me that we still see and hear vestiges of 19th century thinking on this subject, marriages in which the husband assumes the role of the dominant decision-maker, with the wife taking the inferior position of having to defer to his judgment (or lack thereof) and live with decisions he makes almost entirely on his own. Less common, I suspect, are marriages in which the wife makes most of the decisions, and the husband meekly accepts orders and direction from her. These types of relationships lack equilibrium and are, hence, less stable than relationships in which influence is mutually observed and decisions are shared. Personally, I’m not sure I would be happy in either extreme, as I don’t like the feeling of being directed or pushed around, but also lack confidence in my ability to make important decisions on my own. One of the qualities that attracted me to Nancy in the very beginning was her assertiveness, the clear understanding that I would not be piloting this relationship entirely by myself.

How does your own relationship stack up in this area? The following 20 true/false questions were developed by The Gottman Institute in order to help couples assess the extent to which they allow their spouses to influence them. Perhaps you and your spouse feel you liberally allow one another to influence the thinking and actions of the other. If you’d like to test that theory, cut and paste the following questions into a Word document, print it twice, sit down together, answer the questions, and compare your answers.

1. I am really interested in my partner’s opinions on our basic issues. T F
2. I usually learn a lot from my partner even when we disagree. T F
3. I want my partner to feel that what he or she says really counts with me. T F
4. I generally want my partner to feel influential in this marriage. T F
5. I can listen to my partner, but only up to a point. T F
6. My partner has a lot of basic common sense. T F
7. I try to communicate respect even during our disagreements. T F
8. If I keep trying to convince my partner, I will eventually win out. T F
9. I don’t reject my partner’s opinions out of hand. T F
10. My partner is not rational enough to take seriously when we discuss our issues. T F
11. I believe in lots of give and take in our discussions. T F
12. I am very persuasive and usually can win arguments with my partner. T F
13. I feel I have an important say when we make decisions. T F
14. My partner usually has good ideas. T F
15. My partner is basically a great help as a problem solver. T F
16. I try to listen respectfully, even when I disagree. T F
17. My ideas for solutions are usually much better than my partner’s. T F
18 I can usually find something to agree with in my partner’s positions. T F
19. My partner is usually too emotional. T F
20. I am the one who needs to make the major decisions in this relationship. T F

An excellent metric for your ability to influence one another follows: If answering these questions and discussing your responses leads to an argument, you may need to work on this aspect of your relationship. If answering these questions and discussing your responses leads to sex, you’re probably doing okay.

Temperament and personality types will enter into this process. For Nancy and me, in that we have significantly different preferences when it comes to Myers-Briggs typing, it is generally helpful when we sit down together to iron out disagreements. As Gottman points out, the process of reaching external conflict resolution often relies on one’s ability to reach internal conflict resolution first, by learning to accept influence from one’s partner. Early in relationships, this can be a challenge, as most of us enter marriage having relied almost exclusively on our own judgment for some period of time. Overcoming disagreements requires us first to acknowledge that our partner’s point of view, though different from ours, may, in fact, be as valid, or even more valid, than our own. Over time, and with practice, couples in successful relationships can learn how to navigate such differences with relative ease.

I suspect this is not always true with couples whose Myers-Briggs profiles are more similar. In such marriages, it seems to me that significant disagreements may be more rare, but may be harder to resolve since each spouse approaches decision-making in a similar way. In these instances, it may be that the best outcome the couple can hope for is to agree to disagree, a sub-optimal solution which, over time, may evolve into a “we just don’t seem to agree about anything” position that could require professional counseling.

One of the most mis-applied verses in scripture is found in Ephesians 5:22-24, which is often used to suggest that women must be submissive to their husbands. But by reading through verse 33, it becomes clear that God expects equality in our marriages. Husbands, if you wish to justify 19th century thinking by applying only the first three verses from this passage, you are likely to end up with an unhappy wife. And, as the old saying goes, if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

There’s No Pill for Boring

Posted on November 30, 2013 by Bruce Allen

If you were to organize a game of Family Feud with married couples under the age of 30–dividing the teams into husbands versus wives–and the question was, “Which aspect of your relationship do you most fear losing in the next 30 years?”, topping the list for the men would probably be some version of “losing my world-class sexual virility.” Even those of us who consider ourselves to be merely average lovers might put this response in the top three, alongside “no longer being able to support my family” and perhaps “having to become the primary caregiver for our kids/her mom/anyone, really.” Of course, I have no clear idea as to the answers that might top the ladies’ list, which would require more insight into the female psyche than I’ve ever possessed.

Anyway, the fear of no longer being able to satisfy our wives sexually is, I think, fairly universal among husbands. Evidence for this comes in the sheer volume of ads featured on ESPN-type sports channels and NFL games for drugs that treated the dreaded “E.D.” and which, by most accounts, adequately address the problem for many, if not most guys. (These ads do not, of course, suggest that, at age 60, our wives may not want us to be Hugh Jackman in the marital bed, instead preferring more of a Michael Buble-type of experience.) The point here is that, for us husbands and our primary concern growing older–THERE’S A PILL FOR THAT!

For young married couples with children, what few private conversations we’re able to share probably center around the kids, our jobs and the news of the day delivered by our TV sets–sports, a murder somewhere, bad weather, etc. In the evening, once the kids are safely in their beds, we sit down in front of the TV, suck up a little screen, and then head up to bed, preparing to do battle with the world again the next day. Published data suggests that married couples with children spend, on average, something like seven minutes a day actually talking with one another. I suspect that many of these conversational snippets include one or both spouses punching away on a smartphone.

My wife Nancy shared an observation with me years ago that stuck in my head. She said that the only difference between a person today and that person a year from now is the places he (or she) has been, the people he’s met, and the books he’s read. For many parents with busy kids, travel opportunities are often limited, our circles of friends include mostly other parents, and we rarely have time to luxuriate with a good book for a few hours. Over time, these problems change, but don’t go away. Our children and their schedules continue to dominate our non-work time, even after they leave for college or elsewhere, our circles of friends tend to shrink as people move or get divorced, and the amount of free time available to us never seems to grow. If we’re fortunate enough to advance in our careers, work increasingly intrudes on both our family and free time.

As the expression goes, life is what happens while we’re busy making other plans. Suddenly we’re in our fifties, empty-nesters, with fewer friends than we used to have. Our careers may be winding down, or perhaps we’ve been displaced from once lofty jobs and have joined the legions of post-50 workers facing unemployment, or under-employment, in which the job satisfaction quotient is drastically reduced, along with the space in our consciousness formerly occupied by work.

As couples, the question, suddenly, is, “What are we going to talk about together?” If you track divorce statistics, you see the predictable spike around the so-called “seven year itch”, but then observe another one that jumps up around year 30. It is this second one that we must prepare for, as it is avoidable and at least as destructive as the early one. It is the one that would leave us facing the rest of our lives alone, damaged by the loss of three decades of our personal life story, contemplating the brutal prospect of re-entering the “dating game” and its attendant impossibilities. As Catholics, it is also one bereft of the possibility of a second marriage, one which is even more likely to fail than was the first.

The challenge, and the opportunity, is to remain interesting to each other. To take advantage of the occasional stolen minutes or hours while we’re young to go to a museum or gallery, meet some new people through, say, volunteer work or a parish ministry, and to read books. Reading books is, by far, the easiest, as Kindles and books-on-CD offer opportunities to turn dead time spent waiting in airports, driving our cars, or waiting in our cars for soccer practice to end into time spent staying relevant and interesting. What we see, where we go, and what we read is not nearly as important as the seeing, the going and the reading itself.

The momentary discussions about our kids, our jobs and the news du jour will, over time, give way to expanses of time together. When that time comes, it is important that we have things to talk about. As we mature, we owe it to our spouses, even if we can’t stay physically buff and movie star-gorgeous, to remain interesting, aware of the things each other takes pleasure in, and capable of conducting a coherent personal conversation. Otherwise, we are at risk for becoming incurably, terminally dull. And there’s no pill for boring.

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Exploring God's Will in Relationships

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