Category Archives: Sacrament of Marriage

Love for the Long Haul, by Susan Vogt

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This is a find from Gary Galvin, who posted the link to this nice article on Twitter yesterday.young-couple-in-love-

Susan Vogt is a freelance speaker and writer on marriage, parenting and spirituality (www.SusanVogt.net). She and her husband of 35+ years, Jim, live in Covington, Kentucky. They have four adult children. She is the author of Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference and Just Family Nights. Susan advised the U.S. bishops’ Committee on Marriage and Family (2000-2002) and is content editor for their For Your Marriage Web site.

Enjoy these ten tips for a long, loving marriage.  Here’s a taste:

“Successful marriage is not so much a matter of finding the right person but being the right person. There are probably quite a few potential partners with whom an individual could be happy. The challenge is knowing when to bend and change yourself versus when to stand up for yourself. It takes a pretty flexible pair of people to make this dance work. Love is essential but not sufficient.”

old-couple in love

I always dreamed I wanted a job, but what I really wanted was a vocation.

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As a child we were all probably asked countless times, “what do you want to be when you grow up?”  Like many of you, my answer changed over the years.  I imagine, like my 4 and 6-year-old daughters, at one time I wanted to be a princess or a ballerina.  As I got older, I can remember wanting to be a doctor, a lawyer and I think even a professional athlete.  I don’t remember all the different answers I might have given, but I can most definitely tell you one thing I know I didn’t say.  I don’t believe I ever said I want to be a wife and mother.  Sure, when I was little I might have said I wanted to be a “mommy” but as I got older I would have never considered either one of those “vocations” to have been a primary responsibility.  Sure, I would have said, I’ll be a wife and mom but my “real” job will be … .

My oldest daughter is a Little Flower at Our Lady of Mount Carmel and I volunteered at her meeting last week.  Her principal, who is a Dominican Sister, spoke about vocation.  She told a room full of kindergarten through 6th grade girls that on a daily basis they witness the two primary vocations for women in the Church.  Obviously, the sister in the habit was an easy one, but the girls were a bit perplexed on the other one.  A priest … one little girl asked.  No, this second vocation is one that these beautiful young girls witnessed every day in the very own families – the vocation of wife and mother.  I came home that night and told Gary that I don’t ever remember anybody telling me as a young girl that being a wife or a mother was actually a vocation.  It wasn’t until we became parishioners at Our Lady of Mount Carmel and I started attending the Mothers For Children meetings that I ever heard anybody talk about being a mother as a vocation.  You mean that was enough?  I didn’t have to have some “other” label next to my name to really define who I was – let people know what I really do.

Why was I 30 before I ever even heard the term vocation not associated with a priest or a nun?  I suppose, like much of the moral decline in the country and around the world, it’s in many ways cultural.  I know that’s simplistic and there are many layers to this onion, but it’s the truth.

I am so grateful that my daughters won’t have to wait until they are 30 to understand that being a wife and mother is actually a vocation.  It’s enough.  It’s a calling.  It is arguably why God put us women here on this earth.  Now, that’s not to say that we women don’t have lots of amazing other gifts to offer the world, but if you take a real broad look at civilization and you boil it down to the absolute basics – everything begins with family.  If the center falls apart – nothing else matters.

So, here’s to all those women out there who have answered God’s call and who have decided that being a wife and a mother is their true vocation.  Society might not buy into this one yet, but I imagine that room full of beautiful young ladies I was with the other day will have something to say about that sometime down the road.

Be Prepared

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fighting_couplesMatthew 25:13: Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour. 

As married couples playing the back nine of life, it becomes easy to take each other for granted.  She’s been here for thirty-some years, she’ll probably stay. We find ourselves living in what might be called a state of peaceful co-existence, sharing tasks, drama-free.  Connected emotionally and physically in a global sense, but not always on a daily basis.  This is risky business, when you live with someone you love, because, as St. Matthew warns us, you never know…

Think about how you and your spouse said goodbye to one another today, or yesterday.  Would you want that exchange to be the last one the two of you ever had?  One that you could sit and reflect upon for the next few decades.  Those of you who may have lost someone close to you without getting a chance to say goodbye know what I mean.  The rest of you need to pray you don’t find out, and take steps to avoid finding out sooner rather than later.

1 John 2:28:  And now, little children, abide in him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink from him in shame at his coming. 

How you practice is how you play; this is what sports coaches have been telling kids for centuries.  When it comes to marriage, to executing the finer points of marriage, we are called to engage in daily behaviors that will help us avoid years of regret, and which could possibly cost us a trip to salvation.

We must be prepared.

We must make an effort every day to tell our spouse he or she is loved and safe and appreciated.  We must make it a daily habit to kiss our spouses at least twice.  Like we mean it, none of these air kisses or little annoying pecks.  Real kisses.  As if you might never see one another again.

We must have a clean heart and a clear conscience, with the sacrament of reconciliation still within its use-by date.  We need to take care of business when it comes to finances, in the event we are called unexpectedly.  If your retirement plan falls apart if someone dies, it’s not a retirement plan.  The idea is to let the surviving partner “stay in his or her world.” financially.  If you don’t know how to do this, make an appointment with someone who does.  Today.

We must be prepared. Creation of Adam

1 Corinthians 15:52:  In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet.  For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. 

If you believe in the second coming, and if you didn’t you probably wouldn’t be reading this, you know it will arrive with no warning.  There will be no do-overs.  For me, one of the frightening aspects of all this is the fear of leaving things unsaid with Nancy and my family.  I, we, must resolve to have those conversations, to write those letters, to leave nothing unsaid.  Men, especially, need to pray about this, in that we generally don’t discuss our feelings as readily as do our wives.

The events of September 11, 2001 played a part in my conversion story.  If you’re having trouble understanding this ‘ be prepared” stuff, just think about the sensations experienced by the husbands, wives, children and parents, and brothers and sisters of the men and women who lost their lives that day.  Out of a clear, crystal blue sky.  On a day like any other.  With little or no warning.  Think of the husbands and wives who failed to kiss each other goodbye that morning, or who went to bed mad the night before and he was gone before she awoke in the morning, and so on.

We must be prepared.  To avoid a life of regret on earth, and an eternity of anguish.

HJohn 14:3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. 

We know that what awaits us will be, assuming things work out, infinitely better than the short, generally brutish life most people experience during our time on earth.  With the gift of free will, we can choose to ensure that things do, in fact, work out.  By consciously and conscientiously practicing our faith.  By consciously trying to remain as affectionate as possible with our spouse, in celebration of the fine old wine you’ve become.   By giving to the poor and sharing with those less fortunate than ourselves.  By counting our blessings.  And by leaving nothing unsaid with the people we love.

Because you never know.

I am Far From the Perfect (Holy) Family

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On the heels of Gary’s tribute to the Holy Family, guest blogger Anne Slamkowski shares a recent post from her Making Room for God blog.  Here at Love’s Sacred Embrace, we have mainly focused our energy to date on husbands and wives.  Thanks to Anne (and Gary) for bringing our children into the picture.

I am Far From the Perfect (Holy) Family

by Anne Slamkowski on 01/03/13

The Holy Family (Mary, Joseph and Jesus) is such an awe-inspiring bunch!  When I think of the perfect family, those three are at the top of the list.  So this weekend when I was at church and I heard the reading from Luke 2:41-51, I was left with my mouth wide open.

Now His parents went to Jerusalem every year at the Feast of the Passover. And when He became twelve, they went up there according to the custom of the Feast; and as they were returning, after spending the full number of days, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem.

But His parents were unaware of it, but supposed Him to be in the caravan, and went a day’s journey; and they began looking for Him among their relatives and acquaintances. When they did not find Him, they returned to Jerusalem looking for Him.

Then, after three days they found Him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the teachers, both listening to them and asking them questions. And all who heard Him were amazed at His understanding and His answers.  When they saw Him, they were astonished;

And His mother said to Him, “Son, why have You treated us this way? Behold, Your father and I have been anxiously looking for You.”

And He said to them, “Why is it that you were looking for Me? Did you not know that I had to be in My Father’s house?”  

But they did not understand the statement which He had made to them. And He went down with them and came to Nazareth, and He continued in subjection to them; and His mother treasured all these things in her heart.

The perfect family looked a lot like my family (and we are FAR from perfect).  I could feel Mary’s anxiety like I had just experienced it yesterday (which I had).  Oh too well did I empathize with Mary’s feeling.  The one where I am worried sick and my child starts talking to me like I am stupid (Why is it that you were looking for me?).  Duh.  I was looking for you because I love you!  I was worried!  I was anxious about what would happen to you!  I felt Mary’s pain.  I have a child just like this.  She is wonderful and kind and loving.  She is independent and smart.  She also is a handful, exhausting and makes me anxious all the time.  Until this Sunday, I never put it together how Mary must have felt when Jesus spent 3 days in Jerusalem by himself.  For me, just putting myself in Mary’s place, I could see the picture become quite clear.  Here is how I imagine it going down for me:

Where’s Kate?

I thought she was in your car.

No.

Oh my gosh!  We left her! We have to go back now!

What have we done?  How could we leave her?

As we return back to the spot that we assume we left her, we find Kate.  My heart which has been rapidly pounding for 3 days, finally melts as I see my baby. 

Kate, why didn’t you get in our car? (expecting her to cry and sob)

Mom, why were you looking for me?  I was here with my friends and family.  Why are you so worried?  You should have known I was here.

The boiling point in my body is rising rapidly. I can barely contain my anger.  Are you kidding me?  I was scared to death for days about you.  I felt guilt that I hadn’t noticed you were gone.  I have replayed the scenario 100 times in my head trying to figure out what I did wrong.  I couldn’t imagine how scared you must have been while we were gone.  I couldn’t bare the fact that you were sobbing somewhere and maybe kidnapped by some maniac.  I practically killed myself thinking about the “what ifs.”  And now you are asking me why I was so worried!  I will give you worried, missy!

Now, let’s face it, Mary was a little nicer than me.  She is perfect in all forms – that is why God chose her for his son’s mother.  I am not perfect, so my reaction is a little more filled with sin (because I am a sinner).  For the first time though, I realized the love that Mary felt for her son.  It was obvious in her reaction that she was scared for his whereabouts.  She knew she had given birth to the Savior of the World.  She also probably knew that from birth through the rest of his life – he was a “marked man.”  People were looking for him.  I am sure she wasn’t prepared to lose him at the young age of 12.  My guess is she was asking God to please not take him yet.  Please allow her to have him just a little longer.  She loved him so much.  When we are scared, most of us turn to God.  When we are full of anxiety, most of us turn to God.  Mary, I am sure turned to God. 

I guess what this all told me is that my life is just normal.  Even though I think I am the only oneFamily at dinner that experiences these difficult child rearing years, I am not.  Even Mary experienced it.  When I think I am making hard choices as a mother, there are others around me that can empathize.   We all try our best as parents to raise our kids to be the best possible person.  As a Christian, I pray that my kids will follow Christ in all of their choices and I try to model that (although sometimes I fail miserably).  For thousands of years people have been parenting kids with these same ideals. What Mary reminded me was that we all experience these hard times in parenting.  The important part about the entire scenario is the end when it says, “Jesus continued in subjection to them; and His mother treasured all these things in her heart.”  Jesus respected his parents and their decisions (even though he didn’t always understand their choices or actions).  Mary treasured her life that God had given her.  She thanked God for the blessings of parenthood and treasured it in her heart even in the difficult moments (when you think you are going to lose your cool).  As a parent, I know that I have to ask for God’s help because I cannot do it alone.  I cannot survive without His strength.  I want my scenario to look and end more like Mary’s.  I want to step back and treasure parenthood in my heart (not raise my boiling point until I explode – although sometimes that is unavoidable).  I want to find time for God, so that He is right there with me throughout the journey of parenthood (which by the way NEVER ends).

So take time to thank God for the good and the bad of parenthood today.

What’s Mine is Mine, What’s Yours is Ours

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One of the laugh lines in our marriage has been Nancy’s tongue-in-cheek dictum that marriage-vs-money“What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is ours.”  This has been a reminder over the past 37 years that marrying a woman from New Jersey can be fraught with peril.  And a lot of laughs.

Love’s Sacred Embrace is devoting the month of January to two complementary themes: Money, Budgeting and Finances, and Submission to Each Other.  For many of us, January is the financial hangover that follows the commercial binge of the Christmas season.  Despite our best intentions and promises to “hold the line,” we typically confront January with a pile of bills stacked on top of the usual pile of bills.  It can be a dreadfully stressful situation, one which, at least for me, used to take much of the joy out of the season. Fortunately, my Jersey girl insisted four years ago that we create a  budget, and I, being the good husband I am, submitted to her wishes, albeit only after decades of resisting.

A budget, by itself, is not a solution to a lifestyle in which expenditures routinely exceed incomes.  The process of putting together a budget, however, forces couples to discuss which things are more or less important to them.  A budget, to which each spouse eventually commits (submits), then, is a process, a negotiation, a way of discovering what is important to each other, and what less-important things must be sacrificed in order to have the important stuff.

It’s probably true that a good working budget forces each spouse to acknowledge the truth that you win some, and you lose some.  As in all things related to marriage, if one spouse does all the giving up, and the other spouse does all the winning, there will be storm clouds on the horizon.

Our bloggers will be addressing finances, and submission, in the coming few weeks.  I discovered a site called Money and Marriage God’s Way which offers a host of information and insights into this subject.  Here’s a sample.

As the article points out, in a working sacramental marriage, there is no yours and no mine.  There is only ours.  Someone needs to break this news to Nancy.

MACORF-00027326-001For a great conversation on this topic, please join us on January 12th for Second Saturdays:  Marriage on Tap.  Brett Selear will lead a date night discussion on the topic of recovering from the holidays, financially and spiritually.

Make Your Marriage a (good) Habit

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Posted by Christine Burrows

Peter and I have been married for 22 years. Our mothers introduced us when I was 15 and he was 16. We were each others’ first loves.

When he left for college, we wrote letters to one another every day. We got to see one another about once a month, and were always elated to be in one another’s company, putting our best forward for our short times together.  Through our visits and our letters, we supported one another through the transitions from home to college, from teen to adult. Although we didn’t make a straight shot from high school to marriage (with more than a few break-ups in between), we finally decided to marry in June of 1990 while attending one of 16 friends’ weddings that year. Four months later, on October 26, 1990, we got married.

The first year of marriage was hard. We had some financial stresses right away, and, quite honestly, I was feeling anxious about the “foreverness” of marriage. I wanted to fall in love again. I would say we were pretty near to calling it quits between our first and second anniversaries. Nothing else explains why we didn’t, other than that God had plans for us, Imageand He shed his loving grace upon us. We recommitted to one another and got pregnant with our first child right around our second anniversary. From that moment on, we have been intensely aware of God’s grace in our marriage. We have been lucky – 4 well-adjusted kids, relatively few financial strains, good health, and almost 100% shared values. Some might consider ours an easy marriage – now.

And then there’s my sister. I won’t air her laundry, but her marriage isn’t as easy as mine. She and her husband seem to wrestle with more conflicts than Peter and I do. But we are both challenged to build strong marriages. She and her husband have to recover from conflicts and move forward. Peter and I have to find ways to not become bored or fail to challenge ourselves to be better individuals and partners. In the end, we all have to create the good habit of being married.

Think about some good habits: giving to charity, exercising, eating healthfully, praying, being on time, etc. While these are all terrific, they can sometimes fall by the wayside because we get lazy. Being a good spouse is a habit we must train ourselves in, and this takes discipline, among other things. We can’t let ourselves become flooded by the tide of stuff that comes up, or because we are simply tired. Intimate emotional connections need tending.

Some of the things you and your spouse did when you were courting might come in handy Imagenow – writing letters and poems to one another, going on dates, affirming one another, actively trying to bring joy to the other, doing kind deeds, supporting one another through transitions, etc. Doing these things, establishing and practicing positive habits within marriage, can become the routine if we stay on top of them.

Don’t Ignore the Greatest Gift Given to Us – Love

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“And the greatest of these is love”.  This was a verse from the second reading of our wedding and most likely it was the second verse from your wedding too.  This verse comes from 1 Corinthians 13:13 when St. Paul explains that “Love never fails” and love is the greatest gift God gives us.

Recently, I came across a recent blog post by Fr. Robert Barron’s website, WordonFire.org titled “Sex, Love, and God: The Catholic Answer to Puritanism and Nietzcheanism”.  Fr. Barron starts off describing the shift in sexual morality in today’s society indicating that it is clearly declining and begins referencing the Book of Genesis and that God created us to love and be loved.  Think about it for a second.  Think about all the people you love and those that love you.  As humans it is engrained in our DNA to want to be loved and to love another.  No gift in the world and no other feeling can top the feeling of love.  So as I read Fr. Barron’s article I had to stop and reflect on how God’s gift of “love” is truly the greatest gift of all.

So how come love gets ignored in many sexual relationships?  Fr. Barron explains it as “The goodness of sexual desire is designed, by its very nature, to become ingredient in a program of self-forgetting love and hence to become something rare and life enhancing.  If you want to see what happens when this principle is ignored, take a long hard look at the hookup culture prevalent among many young — and not so young — people today. Sex as mere recreation, as contact sport, as a source only of superficial pleasure has produced armies of the desperately sad and anxious, many who have no idea that it is precisely their errant sexuality that has produced such deleterious effects in them. When sexual pleasure is drawn out of itself by the magnetic attraction of love, it is rescued from self-preoccupation.”

If we ignore the greatest gift given to us by God and only strive to “feel good” then we are truly missing out on something so wonderful that no one can describe.  So I hope you enjoyed Fr. Barron’s article and I hope you stop for a moment and experience the chills or goose bumps of being loved and loving.

God Bless.