About Bruce Allen

Working hard trying to be a C student. Writing about motorcycle racing, marriage, politics and the economy.

Finding the Perfect Mate

Posted on September 28, 2013 by Bruce Allen

A beautiful reflection on our eventual sons- and daughters-in-law, by Denise McGonigal.

When my (young) adult children were still toddling around and just beginning school, a friend introduced me to the book, The Power of a Praying Parent, by Stormie Omartian. What a gem that book is! Among the insightful prayer petitions Omartian suggests, the one she explores in Chapter 25, “Finding the Perfect Mate,” spoke to my “mother heart.”

Who might be the lucky men who would marry our four daughters? My wonderings were endless. What did they look like? Who were their families? Where were they growing up? And what choices were they making that would lead them, ultimately, to meet Erin, Caitlin, Meghan and Molly?

Omartian’s advice struck a chord in me: Begin praying for the future spouse of your child very early in his or her life. Although we did not and could not yet know his identity, each of these four young men was already, in some eternal, cosmic way, becoming woven into the fabric of our family.

Do you pray for the yet-to-be revealed future spouse of your child? At this very moment he or she is establishing patterns, forming values, developing opinions and making choices that will matter to a future life shared with your child. And there’s also the real possibility that no one else is praying for him or her right now.

Joe and I have been blessed with three sons-in-law who are better than we could have ever come up with, had we hand-picked them ourselves. And when each of those young men made that fateful call to Joe, to ask for our daughter’s hand, my heart sighed with both peace and assurance: “Ah! So you’re the one I’ve been praying for all these years! Welcome to the family who wove you into our hopes and hearts long before we ever met.”

Rock, Paper, Scissors

Posted on September 25, 2013 by Bruce Allen

by Denise McGonigal

Last night our family was laughing over how our three married daughters and their husbands decide who gets their way in household matters. Like, where to store the ketchup – refrigerator or spice cabinet? (Editor’s note: Refrigerate after opening.) Jif or Skippy peanut butter? Kitchen sponge or dishcloth? Powder or liquid dishwasher detergent? Every couple has their list.

Rock, Paper, Scissors surfaced as Joe and Caitlin’s go-to method of arbitration. Meghan and Jeremy duke it out over their favorite video game – winner’s preference rules. And, to no one’s surprise, Erin touted her way of settling domestic disputes with Keven: “I decide, because I’m the boss.” Good grief, how did that oldest one turn out to be so much like me? Forgive me, oh kind and tolerant son-in-law. That apple just didn’t fall far enough from this tree.

Looking back over the past thirty-four years, I wonder just how many times I let insignificant household disagreements get in the way of family and marital harmony because, well, “I’m the boss.” Why did it matter so much that dishes from a dinner party be cleaned and put away before bedtime? And why couldn’t the pool towels hang over the fence to dry a little? And, perhaps to even broaden the scope a little, what really was the big deal about a child wearing the same favorite outfit every week to Mass?

Thank you, dear younger generation, for offering me a much more sensible way of resolving issues that amount to, well, nothing. I have no skill with video games, but I can definitely develop a facility for Rock, Paper, Scissors. And seriously, as “the boss,”why didn’t I think of that?

A Funny Thing Happened at Marriage on Tap

Posted on September 17, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Last Saturday evening, my wife Nancy and I were at our parish’s monthly Marriage on Tap event–cocktails, dinner, a speaker and some topical conversation–which featured Dr. Tim Heck, a Catholic marriage counselor practicing here in Indianapolis, speaking on John Gottman’s theme about Marriage Masters and Marriage Disasters. Another thoroughly enjoyable evening spent with parishioners from Our Lady of Mt. Carmel celebrating the many gifts of sacramental marriage.

After Tim’s talk, Denise McGonigal, our Director of Adult Religious Education, passed out a set of questions entitled Do You Know Your Spouse? We do this type of exercise every so often, primarily because it is a source of laughter and fun among the people at the dinner tables. Nancy and I have given several talks at our annual marriage retreat on the subject of temperament, and like to think we know each other fairly well.

Anyway, question #7 follows: “Complete this sentence: It must be true that opposites attract because my spouse and I are total opposites when it comes to _____________”

Before I disclose our answers, I’m just going to say that when I’m right, I’m right. It doesn’t happen all that often, but when it does, it’s memorable.

I filled in the blank with the word “everything.” Nancy filled in the blank with the word “nothing.”

Wait for it…

I believe I’ve made my point.

For details on the October Marriage on Tap event, please click here.

Four Ways to Be a Better Spouse

Posted on September 9, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Here we go again, with an article borrowed from Huffington Post. This one has a semi-Buddhist flavor to it, which is a switch from our usual fare. Unfortunately for you, this fact reminds me of the only Buddhist joke I know, in which the Buddhist says to the hot dog vendor on the streets of New York, “Make me one with everything.” Wait for it… Anyway, since the article refers to I Corinthians, I thought it would fit in our blog.

Brandy Engler is a clinical psychologist and the author of The Men on My Couch: Stories of Sex, Love and Psychotherapy. Her recent post, “Four Ways to Love Better” visits a recurring theme on this blog, namely, rather than seeking the right partner, we should BE the right partner for our spouse. As most people married more than once will attest, in the absence of abuse–physical, mental, drug–the grass is rarely greener on the other side. We bring most of our relationship problems with us; if we’re capable of cheating on one spouse, we’re obviously capable of cheating on another, etc.

Engler does not specifically address marital love in this post; rather, she points us toward a wider, more inclusive love of the world and the people in it. This is a very Christian attitude from a writer who strikes me as not overly, or overtly, Christian. But by inference, we are to include our spouses in this view. And if you can guess her four prescriptions for being a more loving person, well, you’re better at this stuff than I am. YOU should be posting on this blog.

Marriage Secrets Of Highly Successful Couples

Posted on August 16, 2013 by Bruce Allen

This is the first, and perhaps last, link to an article on Huffington Post you’ll ever find on this blog. The majority of articles in Arianna’s rag that discuss popular culture are not suitable for a Catholic/Christian site. The fact that Denise McGonigal and I tripped over the same article could be a coincidence. If you don’t believe in coincidences, then it must be The Holy Spirit continuing to work in mysterious ways.

Of course, many of these 10 Secrets are familiar to followers of this blog. The one that struck me as new and refreshing is No. 9 – Successful couples adhere to the 60/40 rule. This argues that, contrary to popular belief, healthy marriages are not a 50/50 proposition. Instead, we are called to commit to a 60-40 posture, in which we give 60 and look for 40 in return. The secret is for both spouses to adopt this posture. When we are both happy to give a little more than we receive in return, the rough patches get smoothed out more easily, and occur less frequently.

Our friend John Gottman gets a shout out in here, as does the poet Robert Browning, who observed, “Success in marriage is more than finding the right person: It is being the right person.” I’m sure there are a lot of divorcees out there who learned this last lesson the hard way. In other words, wherever you go, there you are.

Check out the next Marriage on Tap tab at the top of the page. God bless you and your spouse.

Holy Matrimony, from Salvo Magazine

Posted on July 22, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Unbeknownst to me until after I shared it, the link in the previous re-post “Be fruitful, multiply…and have a good time” came to us from Fr. Richard Doerr, the pastor at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel. Father Richard must be catching up on his reading, as he has also provided this article from Salvo Magazine.

Though the subject matter, and the conclusions, are similar, comparing Salvo Magazine to US News & World Report is like comparing Masterpiece Theater to Sesame Street. This is a much more in-depth look at the relationship between one’s spiritual life and one’s sexual satisfaction. Parts of it are, bluntly speaking, clinical. It draws from a number of research studies and articles, ranging from The University of Chicago and C.S. Lewis to Redbook, and concludes that piety does not equal prudishness. To the contrary, the subtitle–The Unexpected Connection Between Religion & Sexual Fulfillment–pretty much tells the story.

For me, the most encouraging part of these two posts, aside from the conclusions, is that we appear to be inching ever closer to the day when we will be able to share actual blog posts from Denise McGonigal and Fr. Richard, two of the most articulate voices in our parish community on the subject of sacramental marriage. This blog went live back in January with the idea that both would be occasional contributors. And while this hasn’t yet been the case, we seem to be making progress. Christians across the globe have been awaiting Christ’s return for two millennia; followers of this blog can easily wait a few more weeks, or months, or years even, for the Holy Spirit to move our leaders to join this conversation.

Robin Phillips is the author of the book Saints and Scoundrels and is working on a Ph.D. in historical theology through King’s College, London. Robin blogs at http://robinphillips.blogspot.com.

Support Salvo Magazine here.

Be fruitful, multiply…and have a good time!

Posted on July 20, 2013 by Bruce Allen

A recent U.S. News and World Report article offers yet another reason to attend church every week. Several studies cited by USN&WR staffer Elizabeth Flock suggest that devout Catholics have more and better sex than any of the other demographic groups studied. Leave it to Denise McGonigal, OLMC’s Director of Adult Religious Education and resident expert on The Theology of the Body to uncover, as it were, this gem of an article.

The research studies themselves aren’t new, one having been published in 1992 and the other in 1994. For those of you interested in crunching the numbers, you’ll find plenty of links to the studies, as well as the organizations that conducted them. Plus, there’s a link to the Amazon page for a 2008 book that, were I not already Catholic, might send me running to sign up for RCIA.

Critics will contend that the studies are biased, that the sponsors have an axe to grind, etc. etc. Bah! The world’s full of critics. Personally, I’m happy to find a small oasis in the desert of anti-marriage, anti-spiritual popular culture. We are called to evangelize, and many of us find it hard to do. Sharing this article with our unchurched brethren may be a step in the right direction. Think of it as the good news about The Good News.

Here’s the article–

Devout Catholics Have Better Sex, Study Says

Love's Sacred Embrace

Exploring God's Will in Relationships

Author Archives: Bruce Allen