Valentine’s Day Revisited

Posted on February 12, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Thanks to WikiPedia for the following introduction:

February 14 is celebrated as St Valentine’s Day in various Christian denominations; it has, for example, the rank of ‘commemoration’ in the calendar of saints in the Anglican Communion. In addition, the feast day of Saint Valentine is also given in the calendar of saints of the Lutheran Church. However, in the 1969 revision of the Roman Catholic Calendar of Saints, the feast day of Saint Valentine on February 14 was removed from the General Roman Calendar and relegated to particular (local or even national) calendars for the following reason: “Though the memorial of Saint Valentine is ancient, it is left to particular calendars, since, apart from his name, nothing is known of Saint Valentine except that he was buried on the Via Flaminia on February 14.”

Seems there may have been several St. Valentines, at least one of whom was of some low character. The Church, choosing safe over sorry, has given St. Valentine, all three of him, the boot. Not damaging in any way the onslaught of red-colored confections and fru-fru parked in the center aisles of better discount, drug and department stores near you.

Once again, we Christians have managed to turn what was once a religious feast day into a secular selling opportunity. In the process, we routinely substitute grasping for short-term pleasure for seeking lasting happiness. Marketing types endeavor to raise everyone’s expectations, and we approach February 14th with credit cards extended, to ward off any hint of mediocrity or penury in outward displays of monetized affection we tend not to duplicate for another 365 days. Your basic flash in the pan.

Whether it’s on the calendar or not, Valentine’s Day is, in my opinion, another opportunity to affirm for your spouse that you will love him or her forever, that you are glad you married him or her, and that you would happily marry him or her again on most days.

Heading toward our 38th anniversary, Nancy and I don’t go overboard in celebrating most holidays. We are staring retirement in the face, and big displays of what is fairly obvious anyway only serve to put the day when we no longer have to make the daily trudge that much farther away. Christmas and Easter are still big, but Labor Day–not so much.

On most holidays, a bunch of roses from Costco is received as nicely as an FTD delivery and at a third of the price. A plate of salmon on Friday night is virtually indistinguishable from one on Thursday night when we’re busy anyway. Any intra-marital competition is limited to who can find the funnier card. With joint bank accounts, ostentatious gift-giving is a little silly anyway. “Here’s your fabulous gift, darling, and here’s the bill!! Happy Valentine’s Day!”

My new favorite cliche is, “The best things in life aren’t things.” If you want to talk about gifts that keep on giving, talk about the spouse who keeps The Four Horsemen out of your marriage. The spouse who offers to get up early with the kids while you sleep in on a Saturday. The spouse who shows your son how to ride a two-wheeler and your daughter how to bait a hook. The spouse who does so many things around the house without being asked, or expecting to be thanked. The spouse who cleaved to you to create a family, with whom you can be Nanny and PopPop, watching your kids building families of their own, and who will join with you again to envision the families those grandchildren will have someday. All linked inexorably to two people–in our case, a couple of old hippies who met by accident and quickly sensed a connection that will ultimately have led to generations of descendants. Many of whom will have myopia and teenage acne.

In accordance with God’s will.

Though it saddens me to see how a number of my bad qualities have passed on to my children, and are likely to get passed along again, it is a gift to see them working to be effective parents and good wives, as all three of ours are girls. They all married well, and that, too, is a gift from God. These gifts–gifts of serenity, gifts of progeny, gifts of patience and affection and comfort–these are the gifts that experienced Valentine’s Day celebrants look for.

The fru-fru and chocolates can stay right where they are.

Why Did Paul Write about Love?

Posted on February 10, 2013 by Gary Galvin

The second reading from last Sunday (Feb 3, 2013) was from Paul’s letter to the Corinthians about love. This is the common reading we often hear at weddings, including mine and Sarah’s. I decided to dig a bit deeper into this reading and visited various websites to do my research. I was truly intrigued by what I learned and just how powerful love truly is.

Why did Paul even write to the Corinthians?

Corinth was a bustling port city in ancient Greece where Paul established an early Christian church. Corinth was a tough community for Paul to convert. The Corinthians seemed to have been stubborn and set in their own ways; after 18 months of evangelizing and establishing a Christian community, Paul felt it was time to leave. But many issues quickly arose, and people in Corinth were not living up to the Christian values about which Paul preached. With so many travelers in the area came sexual immorality; the citizens of Corinth were fighting and suing each other, people were drunk, and ultimately everyone was treating each other poorly. The Church in Corinth was in trouble.

In that era, congregations did not gather in assemblies or halls but, rather, in homes. Chloe was a Christian woman, the head of one of these homes. Chloe wrote a letter to Paul informing him about the corruption in Corinth and the fledgling Christian Church there, and asked him for advice and direction.

Paul’s response was detailed in his first letter to the Corinthians that we find in the New Testament. One of the first teachings that Paul brings up is that our body is sacred and a temple of the Holy Spirit. He reminded the Corinthians about the importance of marriage and being loyal and faithful to your spouse. If someone was unmarried, he taught that they were to remain celibate and to refrain from sexual permissiveness.

Paul began to encourage the Corinthians to live as new persons in Christ. To treat people with kindness, help the poor, and respect others – to live a life of metanoia, which is the conscientious turning away from an old life (of paganism) to new life in Jesus Christ.

And so here we are today.

As one reads the First Letter to the Corinthians, we as Christians need to bring the same message to our present day world. Between the conflicts across the globe, sexual immorality, hatred and other sins, we must still heed Paul’s message and apply it to our own situations. But it’s Paul’s big finish that sums it up for all of us – the gift of love. Paul emphasizes that what people want is love, and that love is the greatest gift God has given to us. He wanted the Corinthians to love one other and to make love the reason for everything they did and said. As Jesus taught.

Like most of us, each time I hear the reading about faith, hope and love–“and the greatest of these is love”–I immediately think about weddings and marriage. But after studying more about Paul’s letter to the Corinthians I am convinced that love is everything. And that The Beatles, though perhaps not great examples of how to live one’s life, had it right when they sang, “All you need is love.”

Glimpsing Heaven

Posted on February 9, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Posted by Christine Burrows

Genesis 2:18 The Lord God said: It is not good for man to be alone: let us make his complement.

I am a woman. My husband is a man. Simple observations regarding the profound reality of God’s plan for humanity.

As a woman, I have my ways… emotional, nurturing, verbal, inquiring, sensitive.

And, he has his…dutiful, strong, honorable, protective, resourceful.

In marriage, these attributes complement one another. Where one is weak, the other is strong. Where one is needy, the other is helpful…. at least that’s the way it’s supposed to work.

What is the reality of the male/female partnership? Living with these differences is not always easy. It can be especially difficult at times to balance and integrate them in lives lived at the speed of light. When we are prideful, contentious or harried they can be downright frustrating and painful. But, just as the male and female bodies are different AND complementary, so are our natures, our characters.

When we come together with our very different bodies to create something greater than ourselves, so, too, should we seek ways to integrate our psychological, spiritual, and emotional differences to create something far better than each of us individually – a marriage! A symbiotic relationship, in which the sum of the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Just as sexual union involves submission, so, too, does relational union. In God’s plan, both unions are glimpses of heaven. In our mutual submission to one another, we fulfill the divine directive to be fruitful, multiply, and subdue the earth as stewards of our faith and the word of God.

In the reality of our fallen-ness, we don’t always get a full view of this heavenly union. We are humans–prideful, vain, and prone to anger. Thankfully, we are forgiven through reconciliation, and blessed with opportunities to experience this piece of heaven. And, each time we do, we want it more. With great hope, I pray for each of us to savor those glimpses, and to do all we can to sustain them.

Be Prepared

Posted on January 16, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Matthew 25:13: Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour.

As married couples playing the back nine of life, it becomes easy to take each other for granted. She’s been here for thirty-some years, she’ll probably stay. We find ourselves living in what might be called a state of peaceful co-existence, sharing tasks, drama-free. Connected emotionally and physically in a global sense, but not always on a daily basis. This is risky business, when you live with someone you love, because, as St. Matthew warns us, you never know…

Think about how you and your spouse said goodbye to one another today, or yesterday. Would you want that exchange to be the last one the two of you ever had? One that you could sit and reflect upon for the next few decades. Those of you who may have lost someone close to you without getting a chance to say goodbye know what I mean. The rest of you need to pray you don’t find out, and take steps to avoid finding out sooner rather than later.

1 John 2:28: And now, little children, abide in him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink from him in shame at his coming.

How you practice is how you play; this is what sports coaches have been telling kids for centuries. When it comes to marriage, to executing the finer points of marriage, we are called to engage in daily behaviors that will help us avoid years of regret, and which could possibly cost us a trip to salvation.

We must be prepared.

We must make an effort every day to tell our spouse he or she is loved and safe and appreciated. We must make it a daily habit to kiss our spouses at least twice. Like we mean it, none of these air kisses or little annoying pecks. Real kisses. As if you might never see one another again.

We must have a clean heart and a clear conscience, with the sacrament of reconciliation still within its use-by date. We need to take care of business when it comes to finances, in the event we are called unexpectedly. If your retirement plan falls apart if someone dies, it’s not a retirement plan. The idea is to let the surviving partner “stay in his or her world.” financially. If you don’t know how to do this, make an appointment with someone who does. Today.

We must be prepared.

1 Corinthians 15:52: In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed.

If you believe in the second coming, and if you didn’t you probably wouldn’t be reading this, you know it will arrive with no warning. There will be no do-overs. For me, one of the frightening aspects of all this is the fear of leaving things unsaid with Nancy and my family. I, we, must resolve to have those conversations, to write those letters, to leave nothing unsaid. Men, especially, need to pray about this, in that we generally don’t discuss our feelings as readily as do our wives.

The events of September 11, 2001 played a part in my conversion story. If you’re having trouble understanding this ‘ be prepared” stuff, just think about the sensations experienced by the husbands, wives, children and parents, and brothers and sisters of the men and women who lost their lives that day. Out of a clear, crystal blue sky. On a day like any other. With little or no warning. Think of the husbands and wives who failed to kiss each other goodbye that morning, or who went to bed mad the night before and he was gone before she awoke in the morning, and so on.

We must be prepared. To avoid a life of regret on earth, and an eternity of anguish.

John 14:3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.

We know that what awaits us will be, assuming things work out, infinitely better than the short, generally brutish life most people experience during our time on earth. With the gift of free will, we can choose to ensure that things do, in fact, work out. By consciously and conscientiously practicing our faith. By consciously trying to remain as affectionate as possible with our spouse, in celebration of the fine old wine you’ve become. By giving to the poor and sharing with those less fortunate than ourselves. By counting our blessings. And by leaving nothing unsaid with the people we love.

Because you never know.

The Economics of Marriage

Posted on January 9, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Posted by Christine Burrows 1/9/2013

My kids’ 10th grade economics teacher, Bonnie Kelley, taught that economics isn’t about money. Rather, it’s about choices.

She was referring to setting priorities based upon a person’s, or a business’, or a government’s earnings, and making spending choices that reflect those priorities. Based on the premise that you can’t have it all, economics is about picking between those things or opportunities you CAN have. Or, as academics say, the artful allocation of scarce resources.

This task of prioritizing how to earn and allocate income is a daunting task for large entities – witness the Federal Government. It’s daunting for individuals – witness our college daughter during her first semester in college. So, why should it to be any less difficult for two adults in a marriage?

When we were first married, Peter owned a car and a house and had almost finished paying off his student loans. I had a small student loan and no other debt. We both had full-time jobs in our fields. We were flush. It feels like we’ve never had as much money as we had back then.

So, what did we do? Buy a bigger house! Between the time we qualified for the house on our combined income and moved into it, we took some major hits – Peter took a 20% pay cut, and I quit my teaching job and didn’t find another real position for another year. Suddenly, we were in our big new house, living on about 50% of what we had qualified on.

Macaroni and cheese and Gin Rummy were staples for our Friday nights. They were good times… not really. It was downright tough. But in retrospect, it was an important time in our marriage. We had to figure out our priorities: making the mortgage payment, maintaining cars, meeting basic physical needs were the basics. The extras, like going out? Decorating the home? Saving for a rainy day? These required choices, and took some serious conversations. At times, I thought a new pair of shoes was the best use of our money. (Or, maybe, I just wanted some new shoes, and, like a child, was unwilling to accept the pain of not getting what I wanted!)

Basic application: If we are not rich, and most folks aren’t, we must accept that there will be things we just can’t have!

Higher level application: If a married couple accepts that they can’t have it all, they agree to share in both the pleasures and the disappointments that come from not being able to have everything they want. Even steven.

Herein lies the key to the economics of marriage – you just can’t have it all (or at least most of us can’t). So, when you’re trimming back from ALL, what gets trimmed? Doing the trimming together is tough, but ultimately more genuine when you reach those decisions together, if not completely. Learning how to defer gratification in your youth will shower rewards upon you later in your lives.

This is hard stuff – no getting around it. But, isn’t it the right thing? As compared to, say, running up a bunch of credit cards and crying when the mail comes each day? When making sacrifices together, they are a little easier. Reaching these agreements peacefully is an art form that develops over years.

Let me say this: I don’t really like macaroni and cheese. I laugh when I think about the rummy games from those early days in our marriage. But I can’t remember a single pair of shoes I bought back then.

I am Far From the Perfect (Holy) Family

Posted on January 7, 2013 by Bruce Allen

On the heels of Gary’s tribute to the Holy Family, guest blogger Anne Slamkowski shares a recent post from her Making Room for God blog. Here at Love’s Sacred Embrace, we have mainly focused our energy to date on husbands and wives. Thanks to Anne (and Gary) for bringing our children into the picture.

I am Far From the Perfect (Holy) Family

by Anne Slamkowski on 01/03/13

The Holy Family (Mary, Joseph and Jesus) is such an awe-inspiring bunch! When I think of the perfect family, those three are at the top of the list. So this weekend when I was at church and I heard the reading from Luke 2:41-51, I was left with my mouth wide open.

Now His parents went to Jerusalem every year at the Feast of the Passover. And when He became twelve, they went up there according to the custom of the Feast; and as they were returning, after spending the full number of days, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem.

But His parents were unaware of it, but supposed Him to be in the caravan, and went a day’s journey; and they began looking for Him among their relatives and acquaintances. When they did not find Him, they returned to Jerusalem looking for Him.

Then, after three days they found Him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the teachers, both listening to them and asking them questions. And all who heard Him were amazed at His understanding and His answers. When they saw Him, they were astonished;

And His mother said to Him, “Son, why have You treated us this way? Behold, Your father and I have been anxiously looking for You.”

And He said to them, “Why is it that you were looking for Me? Did you not know that I had to be in My Father’s house?”

But they did not understand the statement which He had made to them. And He went down with them and came to Nazareth, and He continued in subjection to them; and His mother treasured all these things in her heart.

The perfect family looked a lot like my family (and we are FAR from perfect). I could feel Mary’s anxiety like I had just experienced it yesterday (which I had). Oh too well did I empathize with Mary’s feeling. The one where I am worried sick and my child starts talking to me like I am stupid (Why is it that you were looking for me?). Duh. I was looking for you because I love you! I was worried! I was anxious about what would happen to you! I felt Mary’s pain. I have a child just like this. She is wonderful and kind and loving. She is independent and smart. She also is a handful, exhausting and makes me anxious all the time. Until this Sunday, I never put it together how Mary must have felt when Jesus spent 3 days in Jerusalem by himself. For me, just putting myself in Mary’s place, I could see the picture become quite clear. Here is how I imagine it going down for me:

Where’s Kate?

I thought she was in your car.

No.

Oh my gosh! We left her! We have to go back now!

What have we done? How could we leave her?

As we return back to the spot that we assume we left her, we find Kate. My heart which has been rapidly pounding for 3 days, finally melts as I see my baby.

Kate, why didn’t you get in our car? (expecting her to cry and sob)

Mom, why were you looking for me? I was here with my friends and family. Why are you so worried? You should have known I was here.

The boiling point in my body is rising rapidly. I can barely contain my anger. Are you kidding me? I was scared to death for days about you. I felt guilt that I hadn’t noticed you were gone. I have replayed the scenario 100 times in my head trying to figure out what I did wrong. I couldn’t imagine how scared you must have been while we were gone. I couldn’t bare the fact that you were sobbing somewhere and maybe kidnapped by some maniac. I practically killed myself thinking about the “what ifs.” And now you are asking me why I was so worried! I will give you worried, missy!

Now, let’s face it, Mary was a little nicer than me. She is perfect in all forms – that is why God chose her for his son’s mother. I am not perfect, so my reaction is a little more filled with sin (because I am a sinner). For the first time though, I realized the love that Mary felt for her son. It was obvious in her reaction that she was scared for his whereabouts. She knew she had given birth to the Savior of the World. She also probably knew that from birth through the rest of his life – he was a “marked man.” People were looking for him. I am sure she wasn’t prepared to lose him at the young age of 12. My guess is she was asking God to please not take him yet. Please allow her to have him just a little longer. She loved him so much. When we are scared, most of us turn to God. When we are full of anxiety, most of us turn to God. Mary, I am sure turned to God.

I guess what this all told me is that my life is just normal. Even though I think I am the only one that experiences these difficult child rearing years, I am not. Even Mary experienced it. When I think I am making hard choices as a mother, there are others around me that can empathize. We all try our best as parents to raise our kids to be the best possible person. As a Christian, I pray that my kids will follow Christ in all of their choices and I try to model that (although sometimes I fail miserably). For thousands of years people have been parenting kids with these same ideals. What Mary reminded me was that we all experience these hard times in parenting. The important part about the entire scenario is the end when it says, “Jesus continued in subjection to them; and His mother treasured all these things in her heart.” Jesus respected his parents and their decisions (even though he didn’t always understand their choices or actions). Mary treasured her life that God had given her. She thanked God for the blessings of parenthood and treasured it in her heart even in the difficult moments (when you think you are going to lose your cool). As a parent, I know that I have to ask for God’s help because I cannot do it alone. I cannot survive without His strength. I want my scenario to look and end more like Mary’s. I want to step back and treasure parenthood in my heart (not raise my boiling point until I explode – although sometimes that is unavoidable). I want to find time for God, so that He is right there with me throughout the journey of parenthood (which by the way NEVER ends).

So take time to thank God for the good and the bad of parenthood today.

What’s Mine is Mine, What’s Yours is Ours

Posted on December 30, 2012 by Bruce Allen

One of the laugh lines in our marriage has been Nancy’s tongue-in-cheek dictum that “What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is ours.” This has been a reminder over the past 37 years that marrying a woman from New Jersey can be fraught with peril. And a lot of laughs.

Love’s Sacred Embrace is devoting the month of January to two complementary themes: Money, Budgeting and Finances, and Submission to Each Other. For many of us, January is the financial hangover that follows the commercial binge of the Christmas season. Despite our best intentions and promises to “hold the line,” we typically confront January with a pile of bills stacked on top of the usual pile of bills. It can be a dreadfully stressful situation, one which, at least for me, used to take much of the joy out of the season. Fortunately, my Jersey girl insisted four years ago that we create a budget, and I, being the good husband I am, submitted to her wishes, albeit only after decades of resisting.

A budget, by itself, is not a solution to a lifestyle in which expenditures routinely exceed incomes. The process of putting together a budget, however, forces couples to discuss which things are more or less important to them. A budget, to which each spouse eventually commits (submits), then, is a process, a negotiation, a way of discovering what is important to each other, and what less-important things must be sacrificed in order to have the important stuff.

It’s probably true that a good working budget forces each spouse to acknowledge the truth that you win some, and you lose some. As in all things related to marriage, if one spouse does all the giving up, and the other spouse does all the winning, there will be storm clouds on the horizon.

Our bloggers will be addressing finances, and submission, in the coming few weeks. I discovered a site called Money and Marriage God’s Way which offers a host of information and insights into this subject. Here’s a sample.

As the article points out, in a working sacramental marriage, there is no yours and no mine. There is only ours. Someone needs to break this news to Nancy.

For a great conversation on this topic, please join us on January 12th for Second Saturdays: Marriage on Tap. Brett Selear will lead a date night discussion on the topic of recovering from the holidays, financially and spiritually.

Love's Sacred Embrace

Exploring God's Will in Relationships

Tag Archives: Vocation

Valentine’s Day Revisited

Why Did Paul Write about Love?

Glimpsing Heaven

Be Prepared

The Economics of Marriage

I am Far From the Perfect (Holy) Family

I am Far From the Perfect (Holy) Family

What’s Mine is Mine, What’s Yours is Ours