The Ties that Bind

Posted on November 28, 2017 by Bruce Allen

If you are fortunate enough to enjoy a predominantly happy marriage for decades, the fruit on the backside can be wonderfully sweet. Few people tell you this when you’re suiting up to exchange your wedding vows. In the beginning, you’re all eyes and skin and dreams, most of which don’t hold up well over forty years. In their place are these elegant moments that help us appreciate the life that is given to us and what we’ve done with it.

Even if we fall short of our dreams, there is something in me that says we’re allowed to, that it is the chase and the perseverance and the falling short that teaches us who we are. As seniors in our own family, we have the advantage of hindsight, and are still able to influence the thinking and behavior of our kids and grandkids. Those sweet, rare occasions when we make a positive, indelible impression on the life of a child are gifts beyond measure, especially to someone like me, whose main long-term concern is being forgotten by my family. I don’t give a rip about being forgotten by The World, just my own family. How to survive in people’s memory banks for longer than two generations. What will the grandkids’ kids learn about their Nanny and PopPop?

Here’s an insight. The stories they will tell about their Nanny will be funny and will emphasize her willingness to believe stuff, her loving, upright nature, her gentleness and consistency, her being there as a safe harbor when things might get tense with The Parents. Their stories about their PopPop will be about his generally futile attempts to corrupt them and his long, boring stories about when he was a kid. How he could bang on the piano and occasionally, quietly tell them inappropriate jokes.

Sweet. But as to our grandkids’ grandkids, probably next to nothing. Sad.

Another pleasure, a non-intuitive one, is having family responsibilities that one enjoys. There is no one I would want as Nancy’s primary caregiver more than me. I get to serve her, to drive her, to make things easier for her, some of which is scut work, at which I’m highly proficient, while some of it is “learned intuition,” knowing how she likes things, her meals and her schedule and so on. I am certain there are men she has worked with over the years whom she has dazzled with her Jersey and professionalism and insight and who must have wondered, at some point, “What must her husband have going on to keep up with HER?” Sweet. My goal–duh–is to relieve her of much of the drudgery, allowing her time and energy to heal, pray, snack and talk on the phone.

It was the right decision, to let our daughters survive their teens in order that they might someday present us with grandchildren. This sweetness I’m trying to describe is there again each time “the girls” (or their husbands) demonstrate good, loving parenting skills. Each time the grandkids reflect the receipt of good, loving parenting skills. Each time one of the grandkids complains that mom is more strict than the other moms. Each time they engage in the Movie Ratings Debate. “Why does it have to be PG?” “My friends have ALL seen it, and it’s only PG-13!” Each time they argue over after-dinner chores.

I can’t get enough of this stuff. This is exactly the kind of stuff about which Nancy was setting the bar 30 years ago and their moms didn’t like it then either but it was the right thing to do and PopPop would comfort them by suggesting they go write their congressman. What is left unsaid is, “And you’ll be happier and a better person as an adult if you ’embrace’ high standards as a child.” Best of all, I’m not even ALLOWED to get involved. Sweet.

So here we are almost 45 years later with glasses, skin that has sagged, and dreams constrained the way a football team’s playbook gets compressed in the red zone. Despite the challenges God has placed before Nancy and me, we have a seemingly endless source of these sweet moments, many of which are courtesy of our daughters and their families.

I was an only child and never knew my grandparents. I have become a big fan of this whole extended family thing, although I find it difficult to maintain over long periods of time. Short bursts are great; I’ve found I’m kind of a five day guy when I’m visiting. Here, in Hoosierville, kids and grandkids can stay as long as they want. There’s plenty of room, our local daughter’s family is somehow almost always available to get involved, and it’s all good. Plus I figure it’s important that they all get as much one-on-one time with Nanny as possible. Sweet.

This is the good stuff they don’t tell you about when you’re getting married. This is the stuff people need to know to survive those years when the kids are growing up and married life is way more work than fun. This is the kind of stuff that makes old age and arthritic knees and wigs such minor inconveniences.

These are the ties that bind.

Changing Direction

Posted on September 11, 2017 by Bruce Allen

As of September 2017, this blog is no longer formally associated with Our Lady of Mt. Carmel Church, Carmel, Indiana. The Love’s Sacred Embrace ministry has been discontinued at the parish in favor of other efforts directed toward celebrating Catholic marriage.

The focus of the blog will, at the same time, change from ideas about how to joyfully achieve 42 years of marriage to how 42 years of marriage helps hold couples together when one of them receives a serious medical diagnosis.

Without examining any data, I suspect the typical reader is younger than me, as I am in my mid-60’s. If so, the posts to come may be of help in thinking about stuff going on with your parents. I think about images of Nancy and me from the 80’s, and look at young couples with small kids today oblivious, as we were then, to the trials awaiting them in their futures, to the crosses they will be asked to bear together, if they’re blessed enough to stay together for the duration.

This is my promise not to violate Nancy’s privacy as this goes along. I will share thoughts and lessons learned along the way, mostly for my own benefit, as I tend to work things out as I type. I have a weekly conversation with Jesus in the prayer chapel at OLMC to try to get him to see things my way which is generally fruitless.

Obviously, the reason I choose to undertake this now is because we’re finally in one of those life trajectory-altering situations I’ve always been thankful that we, as a family, have managed to avoid up until the summer of 2016. I have been “on hiatus” since then dealing with the changes going on and yet to come in my life as husband and caregiver. I feel I’ve covered enough ground mentally and spiritually that I can engage with people about these things and help others approach peace, to seek and accept God’s will.
If you are interested in updates concerning Nancy’s health specifically, please visit her CaringBridge page.

The 10 Commandments of Marriage

Posted on December 6, 2015 by Bruce Allen

Not sure how I found my way to Bridal Guide magazine, but I did, in search man and woman of something suitable for this site now that my regular second job is on hiatus, leaving some time to work on marriage issues. The article from which these ideas are stolen is one of those multi-page things that most of us hate, but I encourage you to stick with it and read them all. Very sound secular advice.

1. Thou shalt be fun.
2. Thou shalt be sexy.
3. Thou shalt be financially honest.
4. Thou shalt be grateful.
5. Thou shalt keep confidences.
6. Thou shalt keep thine own lives.
7. Thou shalt be an extended family.
8. Thou shalt let bygones be bygones.
9. Thou shalt be faithful in every way.
10. Thou shalt live a healthy lifestyle.

Had this article been prepared with a more spiritual outlook, it probably would have dropped a couple of these in favor of, say, “practicing thine faith together” or “thou shalt respect the sanctity of the marital bed.” Actually, it’s not too hard to imagine a Catholic magazine publishing this same article and replacing items #1 and 2 with these two directives.

Cute-Romantic-Love-Couple Which, in my opinion, would be a mistake. The first two items on the list deserve their place of prominence not just because they apply to young brides and grooms, but moreover because they enable couples to navigate the waters from “newlywed” to “golden anniversary.” Being fun, or funny, is one of the failsafe techniques for keeping relationships blooming. I like to think that my wife of 40 years has laugh lines around her eyes partially due to me; lacking any number of social graces, I’ve always tried to at least keep her smiling, if not laughing out loud.

Item #2 is, likewise, important during the entire course of our marriages. old-couple in love As we age, our sexual abilities, wants and desires change. However, these changes do nothing to our ability to be interesting, perhaps playful, to show interest, to initiate intimacy, to be clean, shaved and fresh, to put clean sheets on the bed, light a few candles, put on some music, etc. Sexual encounters, once a couple is empty nesters, are fairly simple to arrange, but sometimes difficult to execute in the conventional way, or ways. With young kids in the house, it takes real commitment to intimacy to find time—or even a place—to enjoy each other’s presence. There’s some frustration built into each scenario—having the ability and not the time, or having the time with diminished skills—but it remains important to keep fun and physical intimacy in your relationship, else couples risk ending up living together as brother and sister, polite and considerate with nothing resembling passion ar mutual engagement. This is NOT how to keep a marriage strong and healthy.

I think items #3-10 are pretty intuitive. Gratitude, forgiveness, faith, maintenance of self are all qualities that we easily maintain with our friends, but not always so easily with our spouses. The one commandment that is REALLY missing, the one that is more important than perhaps any of the others, goes something like this:

• Thou shalt be friends first, foremost and forever.

holding hands As we have remarked often in this space, couples have a much better chance to make it to their golden anniversary—roughly 2-3% of married couples accomplish this—if they are friends as well as lovers. Friends don’t cash in their relationship because of a fight or disagreement. Friends tend to usually fight fairly with their friends; spouses perhaps not so much. John Gottman, in his book we have virtually worn the cover off of in this blog, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, states unequivocally that friendship before and during marriage is one of the great predictors of a couple’s likelihood of staying together, happy and content.

God bless all married couples during this busy and exhausting season of joy.

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Want More Love? Be More Lovable.

Posted on April 22, 2015 by Bruce Allen

One of the consistent themes of this site is that a lasting, fulfilling and spiritually rewarding marriage is not about finding the right person, but about being the right person. We have also embraced, since day one, Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body, which lays out the Church’s position on the importance/sanctity of physical intimacy in a loving sacramental marriage. Yet, it has become something of a running gag in American society that couples continue to have serious, relationship-threatening issues about sex, regardless of whether the marriage was blessed by a priest, or whether the couple is even married at all.

Focusing on married couples, it’s no big revelation to assert that sex is complicated. Ignoring for the moment (mostly male-specific) concerns such as frequency and variety, the reality for most couples is that both spouses work and must deal with work-related issues including fatigue, overnight travel, stress, shift work, and being connected to their jobs 24/7 by text and email. Add a few kids, with their homework, social and extra-curricular activities. Some couples must care for elderly parents or relatives. Money is often a source of conflict. Throw in time spent with friends, the pursuit of separate hobbies and interests, housework, yard work and even time devoted to church ministries, and it’s a wonder most couples are having any sex at all.

Though there are no easy answers for much of this, there are a number of things spouses can do to improve the overall quality of their relationship and, by extension, their sex life. Some of you may recall a book popular back in the 80’s called The Five Minute Salesman, the main premise of which was that in order to get what you (the salesman) want, you must help the customer get what he or she wants. Here are some examples we hope may be useful to you and your spouse:

We have occasionally expressed an idea here suggesting that rather than seeking a 50/50 sharing of marital responsibilities (which inevitably leads to some form of score-keeping) we, as spouses, should be willing to give 60% in exchange for 40%. Going the extra mile, without seeking praise or recognition, will almost always enhance our esteem in the eyes of our spouse, in some cases making us appear more desirable.
Take the time to pay attention and learn what he or she likes. This lies at the heart of Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages, which expounds on the idea that all of us have a love language we prefer when receiving love and another, possibly different, language we prefer when giving or showing love. Guys, if your wife’s preference for receiving love is words of affirmation or spending time together, a bunch of flowers from Kroger is unlikely to flip her switch. Both of you need to figure out how the other likes to be shown love; if you can’t do it on your own, read the book together. I’ve observed that many of us are not loved in the way we want. If this describes the two of you, you can fix it.
Worship together. If you share the same faith, attending church together is a high quality hour, feeding both your soul and your relationship. If you attend different churches, try to arrange your attendance so that neither of you must take your small children to church. (If you want to do so, that’s different.) Facilitating a peaceful hour apart is another act of love. Finally, if one of you does not attend church on a regular basis, that spouse can volunteer to get up early and look after the children while your spouse goes to church. In any case, there are plenty of ways to show you love your spouse connected to the observance of your faith.
Cook for each other, or cook together. The drudgery of getting dinner on the table during the weekday scrum can be offset by serving her breakfast in bed on Saturday morning or cooking up something fun together when the opportunity arises. Try a new dish. One of you can chef while the other preps. And you never know where a late dinner after the kids are asleep might lead.
Talk to each other. Statistics suggest that the average married couple spends seven (7) minutes a day talking with each other. If your busy lives make you feel like “ships passing in the night,” commit to finding 15 minutes a day, just the two of you, talking about stuff other than work, the kids or money. Recall when you were courting how you could literally spend hours like this. Now that you’re married, you need this time to maintain your connectedness. Even if it means waking up 15 minutes earlier than normal, this is time well-spent.
Observe the power of random acts of kindness. Taking her car out on Sunday afternoon for a fill-up and a wash means she can go to work on Monday with a shiny ride and a full tank. If he’s been out of town for a few days and gets home later in the evening, a hot meal and a beer, served in some sexy pajamas, might fulfill his every (unspoken) wish. The key here is to do whatever it is without being asked. Complying with a request is one thing; showing kindness on your own initiative is something else.
TOE time refers to what we call the Touch of Eden. During TOE time, spouses get naked, get in bed, and simply hold each other close, without any sexual agenda. Spending 15 minutes like this helps spouses reconnect in an intimate way, without any pressure. It is not meant to be a prelude to sex, but allows room for the agenda to be amended by majority vote. Sorry guys–she holds the tiebreaker!
Pay attention to your personal hygiene. When you find an opportunity for a physical encounter, make sure you are clean, that you smell good, that you’ve shaved, that your breath is, um, unobjectionable; in short, send the message that this is a special moment and that you want to make it as pleasant as possible for your partner. [These may not be universally shared. I read recently of a note Napoleon sent to Josephine in which he wrote, “I will arrive on Saturday, Do not bathe.” Different strokes…] A little background music, some candlelight and his favorite scent can put an exclamation point on things.

If you and your spouse have some different suggestions, please share them. God tells us that the marital bed is a sacred place, and we honor Him when we approach it as such. In the 21st century, we may miss the spontaneity that accompanied such encounters when we were first married. Maintaining a healthy physical relationship in a world spinning a million miles an hour takes commitment, planning and thoughtfulness. Being the right person for each other can only help.

Quora.com–a rich source of marital wisdom

Posted on April 9, 2015 by Bruce Allen

Recently I tripped over a site dedicated to creating conversations around a multitude of topics. I happened to be searching on the word “happiness” and found myself on a page with a number of thoughtful responses to the question, “What habits do healthy couples have?” After reading responses from a number of members, I decided to cut and paste what I think is a typical response from a reader named Tim Grahl.

Using Quora.com is easy. Sign up, list the topics you’re interested in, complete your profile, and the site will feed relevant content to your desktop. Bookmark the site, and you’re ready to go.

What habits do healthy couples have?

My wife and I recently celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary and we dated for three years before we were married. Also, for context, we have two young boys ages 6 and 4 and she doesn’t work outside of the home. While we have fights from time to time, we are generally a very happy couple. Here are the things we’ve put in place to make sure it stays that way:

1. We constantly communicate about anything remotely important to us as individuals or a family. When I was growing up my mom used to drill into me that “99% of marriage is communication. If you can communicate, you can get through anything.” At this point in marriage, I would say that’s completely true. We talk about our hopes for the future, where we want to be individually, as a couple and as a family. If there is a disagreement or a fight, we never just “let it go”, we talk about it until each of us understands the other’s point of view and we come to an understanding, apologies are said, etc. We talk about how we’re raising our sons, we talk about how we spend our time, we talk about our schedules to make sure we aren’t too busy. On anything remotely important, we make sure we stay on the same page and come to an agreement before moving forward.

2. We tell the truth. I don’t know where this idiotic idea came that you have to lie to your significant other. An early rule was established in our house… “Don’t ask a question you don’t want an answer to.” If she asks if she looks fat in an outfit, I will say “yes” if it’s the truth. But you know what? When I tell her “no”, she believes me. This goes for everything. I’ve been on a diet for a bit now and lost some weight. I asked her the other day if she could tell and she said “no”. The truth. Sometimes it hurts, but I appreciate it and know she’s telling me the truth when she says good stuff.

3. We continue in our choice and commitment to love each other. Contrary to how I see the word “love” used in most contexts, it is a choice as much, or more, than it is a feeling. My definition of love is “to look out for the other person’s good as more important than my own.” Nobody has made me feel more angry or feel more love than my wife, however, through it all my choice to love her (seek her good above my own) is unquestioned and she does the same for me. This alone provides an extreme level of security. Divorce or separation is never an option because we both made a choice to love each other and never leave each other and to treat each other as more important than the other. While this obviously falls down from time to time when either of us want to be selfish or are going through a rough spot, etc. But day in and day out, we choose to love and care for each other no matter how idiotic or selfish the other is being.

4. We treat each other like grown ups. One of the things we always say when we joke around is “I’m a grown-ass man”. Or “woman”, of course. But this is true. Inside the parameters we’ve agreed to in #1, we let each other do pretty much whatever we want. I watch whatever, dress however, go out whenever, etc. We have our own hobbies that we don’t feel like the other has to be a part of. She doesn’t nag me and I don’t nag her (usually we don’t have to; see #3). We have freedom to be who we want to be and do what we want. Since our #1 commitment is to each other and to our family, we can trust each other to make good decisions outside of that. For instance, I like to go out with friends to movies, drinks, etc. Since I don’t overdo it because she comes first, she never says ‘no’ or even questions it when I do.

5. Constantly inject your creativity to make things easier and better. Some of the other things I’ve seen in these answers like keep separate bank accounts, play together, have lots of sex, exercise together, laugh together, surprise with gifts, etc. are all just tactics that may or may not work for you. When you have young kids that need cared for, it’s hard to exercise together or go throw the frisbee; does that mean your relationship is doomed? Of course not. We’ve all had friends that brag about all the sex they have but you wouldn’t want their relationship. The point in all these things is to constantly look for ways to grow your love, maintain your commitment and make sure life doesn’t squeeze the joy out of your relationship and/or drive a wedge between you. My co-worker and good friend has a great relationship with his wife and she calls him throughout the day to talk. It drives me nuts when my wife calls me (unless it’s important) because I’m trying to work. To each their own, as long as you’re putting work and creativity into making your relationship easier (don’t be too busy, spend time together, etc.) and better (puzzles, movies or whatever), then it’s going to work. Don’t be lazy and put the other’s good above your own.

So that’s it, that’s what we do to stay happy as a couple.

Love Cycles

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Bruce Allen

The title of this post is the title of another “how to” book on marriage I just read, this one by therapist Linda Carroll. She discusses the five stages of loving relationships around which she has built a 35 year practice in couples counseling. (I’m beginning to think that everything on earth has five stages, but that’s just me.) Before getting into the content of the book itself, I wanted to share the most powerful statement contained therein, a quote from poet Rainier Maria Rilke: “For one human being to love another human being; that is perhaps the most difficult task that has been given to us, the ultimate, the final problem and proof, the work for which all other work is mere preparation.” Wish I’d written that, or had the emotional depth to even have come close to writing it. Beautiful thought.

So, the five stages of loving relationships, pretty straightforward stuff: The Merge. Doubt and Denial. Disillusionment. Decision. And, finally, Wholehearted Loving. Carroll takes multiple examples from couples with whom she has worked, and the anecdotal evidence allows the reader to recognize stages in which he/she currently resides or has passed through. The liner notes claim the book offers “a clear strategy for how to stay happy and committed, even in difficult times,” with which I might argue. Nancy and I have weathered some serious storms over the course of 40 years, and I’m not sure I would have been open to many of the suggestions the author makes for dealing with those stages beginning with the letter D, all of which were painful, difficult and exhausting. I admit to not being overly open-minded about most things, and also admit that Nancy’s abilities to understand and coach me are what saved our relationship more than once.

The book is a pretty quick read, and perhaps you might want to check it out of your library. I think the following list–Carroll’s Six C’s–does a nice job of hitting the high points of the book if you’re pressed for time or grooving in the “happily ever after” stage of your relationship:

Choice. Pretty much everything we do as individuals or half of a committed couple involves making choices. Even we feel helpless, we are making, and living with the consequences, of our own choices. We are writing our own stories.
Commitment. Part and parcel of sacramental marriage. We must burn our own boats. We must make this relationship the most important single fact of our lives and move beyond our fears and our periodic urge to flee, turning toward our partner in difficult times and, if necessary, seeking help to make our relationship work. Remembering how we felt in those first few weeks and months is a useful exercise, along with finding the way to a mature form of those electric sensations. No, they don’t last forever. Yes, they can remind us of what we felt early in the relationship, and motivate us to move away from thinking, as Carroll describes, “Why aren’t you ME?”
Celebration. As Nancy has observed more than once, for every Jack there’s a Jill. Having found one another, you need to take time to celebrate the grace, the confluence of circumstances, that brought you together. As humans, we are called to discover who we are as individuals and to fulfill our purpose on earth, making use of our gifts. To share this journey, the experience of becoming ourselves, with another person on the same trip, calls for celebrations, even small ones, as often as possible. We need to count our blessings and give thanks for each one, no matter how small or cleverly disguised.
Compassion. In relationships, it is synonymous with forgiveness. Scripture tells us we are to forgive even those who mean to harm us. Doesn’t it follow, then, that we need to be fountains of forgiveness with our spouse or partner? We’ve discussed in this space conditions and behaviors outside the realm of forgiveness–violence, abuse, etc.–but in the absence of pure malice, it is incumbent upon us to not only forgive our partners for their shortcomings, but to forgive ourselves for our own.
Cocreation. A clever term for finding effective ways to manage conflict, share decisions, support one another, and avoid ending up in ruts. This is about finding and exploring common interests, about not settling for night after night of television, about engaging one another and challenging each other to find new and different things to keep the relationship blooming. Nancy convinced me several years ago that we should commit to a monthly activity we’ve never (or only rarely) done before, which explains the terrible investment I made several years ago in a pair of tickets to Shen Yun. But there have been a bunch of fun, memorable outings in the meantime, with more to come. A maple syrup tour. The glass-blowing trail in northern Indiana. A country music concert (?) at Klipsch. So get up, get out, and get with it!
Courage. The courage to confront our own faults, the issues in our relationships and the conditions of our lives in an honest, loving spirit of awareness. Lots of this stuff is hard, but we are capable of doing hard stuff. So many people, caught up in the daily grind, go through the motions of living, whether as individuals or half of a couple. If we are going to find true happiness, as people and as couples, we cannot settle for taking the easy way out of this life. We should, instead, pin a copy of Rainier Maria Rilke’s quote above our desks and on our refrigerators, to help us remain mindful of the gift of our chosen vocation.

Contraception and Marriageability

Posted on February 20, 2015 by Bruce Allen

As a convert to the Catholic faith, one of the hurdles I’ve had to deal with, at least intellectually, is the Church’s position on contraception. As one who was born in the 1950’s and came of age in the 60’s, I always thought the birth control pill was one of the great inventions of the 20th century. From my point of view, it took away one of the two big perceived risks of sex outside marriage. That the Catholic church was opposed to it was, I felt at the time, just another symptom of how out of touch Catholic leadership was with the realities of modern life. As a quasi-radical free spirit in the 70’s, I was far more concerned with the economics of excessive population growth than I was with the dogmatic pronouncements of a bunch of celibate old men in Rome.

Over the years I’ve had to re-visit this opinion, having come to realize that there is so much I don’t understand about our faith that I should probably shut up about subjects on which I’m essentially ignorant. I suffer from the sin of pride, but at least have come to understand that having an opinion on a subject is not nearly as important as being informed thereon. So I tend to keep more opinions to myself than I used to. Still, at mass on Sunday mornings, I wonder how many women between the ages of 15 and 40 receiving the eucharist do so in a state of mortal sin. And how many more might attend mass and receive communion were it not for the fact that they are on oral contraceptives and thus feel unwelcome, or unworthy of receiving the sacrament.

As it turns out, there is some biology at work in all of this. An article in Scientific American from 2008 explains some of the perils that arise in the collision of oral contraceptives and marriage. In basic terms, the hormones in birth control pills change a woman’s perception of the marriageability of a man based upon his MHC profile; if you want to understand what that means, you’re going to have to read the article. The corollary for men has to do with perceptions of a woman’s overall attractiveness according to where she is in her menstrual cycle. And while the latter is completely natural, the former is synthetic, and the risks it poses far greater. After all, if a couple has been dating for six months, the man has likely been around the woman during every phase of her cycle. The risks of the former, however, can go unrecognized for years, as the following true story illustrates.

One of my wife’s friends growing up was in a live-in relationship with her boyfriend for, literally, 15 years. Then, in rapid succession, they got married, had a child, and got divorced. This amazing sequence, I think, demonstrates the power of the MHC profile thing. Before she was ready to commit to having children with him and on the pill, she found him attractive and desirable. When they decided to have a child, she went off the pill, and soon he wasn’t nearly as attractive or desirable. In fact, her perception of him changed so much that they ended the relationship, making an unintended victim of their daughter, who would grow up in a single parent home.

So, are we to think that the Church’s position on oral contraceptives is based upon some science that Catholic thinkers were aware of centuries before modern science proved them right? No. Are we to think that a number of the Church’s teachings with which we disagree or fail to understand could possibly have some merit? Yes. Is there a lesson in all of this for couples considering marriage? I think so. If the woman has been on birth control pills since before they met, it would probably be a good idea for her to go off the pill for several months before stepping up to the marriage altar. Doing so might be inconvenient, or messy, or a drag, but it might also save both the woman and the man years of unhappiness and disappointment.

Love's Sacred Embrace

Exploring God's Will in Relationships

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