Do You Need God to Raise Your Kids?

Posted on April 28, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Here’s another thoughtful post from our favorite guest blogger, Anne Slamkowski. Please visit her Making Room for God blog.

Yesterday, I blogged on a difficult subject: God and Marriage. One of the issues that has comes up time and time again in conversations is how do you balance kids and marriage. Not an easy topic to tackle for sure! Kids complicate and at the same time lift up your marriage. Kids give us joy and bring us turmoil. Kids (and finances) are the first time you learn to sacrifice your selfish desires for your spouse. No kidding.

When you first got married can you remember trying to figure out who was going to pay the bills and how you were going to share the money that was coming in? Can you remember the first time you had to make a decision together about your kids’ future? I would venture to guess that it wasn’t an easy decision. There may even have been some arguing. So when we talk about divorce rates in families today, we cannot help but discuss both financial issues and trouble with kids.

One of the issues with kids is when things go badly. Maybe (like me) you have a child that has medical issues or behavioral problems. Maybe you have a child who suffers from mental illness. Maybe you have a child who is constantly making bad choices. Maybe you have a child that suffers from alcohol or drug addiction. There are so many problems that parents are faced with today. Yet did any of you have training for this during your marriage prep classes? Pete and I sure didn’t. Nobody pulled us aside and said, “Heh, not all kids are perfect.” No one told us the adventures we would be faced with when we started to grow our family. No one told us that our kids could make bad choices no matter how good of parents we are. The problem is we don’t have anything to model our lives after because all kids are different. We cannot look at our own parents and make good parenting decisions because they lived in different circumstances. All we have to rely on is each other and instinct. When things go badly with our kids we tend to point fingers. Have these words ever been spoken (or thought) about in your household:

“If you would have done or said this to him/her, we wouldn’t be in this place!”

“If you would be home more often, then he/she would show more respect for us as parents.”

“If you would have disciplined better when he/she was young, then we wouldn’t be faced with these issues.”

“If you would do your job as a housewife, then our kids wouldn’t make these choices.”

“If only I would have treated my body better during pregnancy, then these medical issues wouldn’t have happened to my child.”

“Maybe I have done something to him/her to make him/her this way.”

“Maybe God is punishing me for something in my past.”

All of these comments go on in our brains. They are doubts that arise during parenting. I know because Pete and I have beaten ourselves up over why Katie has behavioral issues and seizures. We have blamed each other and ourselves. Our doubts could have ruined our marriage, but we chose God over doubt. Thank goodness!

One of the best lessons that I have ever been taught is that my own kids are not my possessions. My kids belong to God. They are children of God. God has entrusted their care to me. I love this because it reminds me that my kids are entrusted to me not because I deserved them, not because I purchased them, not because I own them, but because God gave me the opportunity to raise them for Him. Whether you have adopted your children or given birth to your children, they are not your possessions. Nope. They are God’s children. He gave you this opportunity. What you do with this opportunity is now up to you. You can choose to raise them without asking God for help, or you can raise them with God’s strength. I choose the latter.

If Pete and I were to dwell on all the mistakes we make as parents, I can tell you right now we would be miserable. I make parental mistakes every day. I try to learn from these mistakes. I do my best to ask God daily for strength. I constantly pray to God to show me what He needs me to do.

Kids can be part of the problem in a marriage for sure, but they also can lift up your marriage. If you realize now that kids are not your possessions. Kids are not a way for you to re-live your childhood. Kids are not an opportunity for you to show your own parents what they did wrong. Kids are a way for you to connect closer to God. They are a way for you to see God’s beauty. They are your pathway to a greater faith life. f you are having issues with your own marriage that revolves around your children, ask God for help today. Reconnect individually with your faith. Find a way to keep God first in your life. No one can parent effectively without God. Exhaustion, depression and constant worry are all signs that you have pushed God away and are trying to tackle parenting on your own. Don’t do this! Remind yourself that we all have the ability to be good parents, if we just ask God for help.

More of our favorite people.

Archbishop Joseph Kurtz on Love

Posted on March 24, 2013 by Bruce Allen

“Couples, like individuals, acquire virtues through the repetition of particular practices and behaviors. They make the virtue their own by freely choosing to act in certain ways, every day.”

Introduction to the “Marital Virtue of the Month” Series By Archbishop Joseph Kurtz (An initiative of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.)

Archbishop Kurtz continues, “Love, of course, is the more excellent way that includes all the virtues. As a couple grows in virtue they also grow in love. Hand in hand they walk the journey to holiness. I pray that you may persevere in this journey, knowing the love of God, the encouragement of the Church, and the support of the many couples who are walking this journey with you.”

This up-to-date piece continues the conversation we’ve been having on this site, i.e., the responsibility of spouses not to simply strive for perfection on their own, but to bring their spouse closer to God as well. We do that not by encouragement/arguing, active evangelization or subtle pressure, but by prayer, by living a committed Christian life, and by creating a wake with the power of our spirit that eventually overtakes our less-committed spouse and becomes irresistible, a wave that can help him along the road to faith. As usual, we must allow The Holy Spirit to work in our lives and those we love. And acknowledge that these things take place in God’s time. Amen.

Get Connected – Turn Toward Your Partner to Create Intimacy

Posted on March 23, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Here’s another nugget from John Gottman, courtesy of the Alabama Healthy Marriage Initiative. This piece discusses the specific types of connections we make with our spouses, how some are positive and some are negative. Mastering the art of opening positive connections–leaning in versus leaning away–with your spouse invites a warm, open relationship in which conflicts heal quickly and intimacy is part of everyday life.

Get Connected – Turn Toward Your Partner to Create Intimacy

The story many of us tell ourselves is that our marriages are imperfect, that they are what they are, and there’s no point in trying to re-build them. But what we also see are research reports, by Gottman and others, that suggest practical techniques for improving our relationships. That yours, and mine, is imperfect is due to the fact that each of us is imperfect. We are all sinners. And, therefore, it’s not so much about finding the right person as it is being the right person. If our marriage appears to be failing, we will be taking some of the reason for that with us in the pursuit of a new, improved marriage. Logic dictates that even in the unlikely event that Spouse #2 were, in fact, perfect, it would bode poorly for the success of the relationship.

Marriage literature suggests that most marriages go through three distinct stages. Euphoria, that unmatched feeling early in the relationship when it seems the sun, the moon and the stars rotate around your intended spouse. Disillusionment, when you realize the natural order of the universe and where exactly you and your spouse, and probably children, fit in it. And, finally, That Third Stage, in which the partners either don’t work it out, manage some kind of peaceful coexistence, or, at best, feed and maintain a relationship built upon respect, trust and intimacy, both emotional and physical, and thank God for that person, for the loaning of your partner’s spirit, if only for a short time, that is at the core of sacramental marriage.

The practice of leaning into your spouse when discussing important issues is what the Masters of Marriage do. It allows couples to resolve the inevitable conflicts that arise in marriage quickly and without any need for retribution. It is a skill, and can be developed by anyone ready and willing to try to improve their marriage. The story we need to be telling ourselves is that we can improve our marriage if we want to and if we enlist the help of The Holy Spirit. As Nancy constantly reminds me, “The door is open.”

Tammy Darling on Keeping your Marriage Fresh

Posted on March 18, 2013 by Bruce Allen

14 Ideas to Keep Your Marriage Fresh is the most recent post by Tammy Darling at Catholic Digest.com. Her tips are practical, simple and inexpensive, and are easy to fit into busy lives. The vocation of marriage, as we all know by now, requires care and attention if it is to keep blooming.

For more ideas like these, sign up for our April 20 marriage retreat. Love’s Sacred Embrace offers a wealth of ideas and concepts that will breathe new life into your marriage. Come join us for a day of reflection and sharing on April 20. Seating is limited, so please sign up early.

Beatitudes for Young Mothers

Posted on February 20, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Of the eight beatitudes from The Sermon on the Mount, several can be applied to our marriages and to each of us in our roles as parents. When we fail to respond to Christ’s calls to these heavenly blessings, we not only tarnish our hopes of seeing heaven, but we can damage our relationships with our families. When we turn some of our worries over to God, we are better able to handle those that remain.

I am going to assume that, all other things being equal, in the early part of the 21^st century, American women, young and not-so-young, do more parenting than their men. That WAY more of the burdens of caring, planning, packing, arranging, scheduling, and doctoring, are borne by our wives, no matter how liberated we husbands claim to be. (As for playing with our kids, that may be a draw.) I infer, then, that way more of the pressures of parenthood end up on the moms. This vestige of the days when we lived in caves seems almost universal. Therefore, I suggest that two of the three Beatitudes discussed here are more relevant for mothers. (Men are welcome to shoulder the other five, and will probably become better fathers in the process.)

As I see it, from the perspective of 38 years of marriage and three children, the most important of the Beatitudes for young parents tells us that the merciful will be shown mercy. As the speed of life increases, as our families grow, and as the demands upon us from one another, our children, our parents and our siblings continue to build, we often reach a point at which we must release pressure. How we release this pressure is important.

Although I routinely confess to having cursed A LOT when I go to reconciliation, I do everything I can to avoid cursing at Nancy. In the worst of our arguments, over almost four decades we have used next to NO profanity. If cursing one another is a regular feature of your lives, whether you’re fighting or not, you are chipping away at the foundation of trust, respect and intimacy at the core of your marriage. And over long periods of time, a damaged foundation will be prone to collapse when under stress. Agree not to curse at one another. Ever. It’s not that hard.

To me, it’s not surprising that so many working mothers are stressed out. To me, the wonder is that not ALL working mothers are stressed out, followed in short order by mothers, period. (Heck, maybe they are, and I’m just too old and out of touch to realize it.) Raising children takes more out of people than almost anything else I can think of. I applaud our readers who are doing everything they can to be good parents. During Lent especially, I pray that mothers everywhere can find it in themselves to show their children, and their defective, fallen husbands, mercy. Even when they don’t deserve it. For the fathers, I pray that you fully grasp the mental and physical challenges involved in being a mother, and that you not only appreciate her efforts, but do all you can to lighten them.

Earlier, Christ tells us that the meek shall inherit the earth. Today, for many of us, the meek are, in fact, our own children. They are the ones depending upon us for all of their needs–physical, emotional, intellectual. When we release our pressure on them, we probably cause harm. We may instill doubt in their hearts, doubt that we truly love them, and this can be a corrosive concern for a kid growing up. Our children need have no doubts that they are loved by their parents, even on the worst of days. Shielding them from our impatience is a grace from God, received through prayer. Short, momentary bursts of prayer during the day, staying in touch with God, staying cool, staying in tune with the universe. 🙂

Most of us know people, women generally, who like the idea of being surrounded all day by five kids under the age of six. At our bible study last fall, one of the young women at my table, working as a nanny to put herself through school, asked God for forgiveness for having had all three of her charges in tears that day at the same time. This latter person is, I believe, far more common than the former, although most of us know women like this, and some of us have been blessed to have them look after our own kids at times. But if this isn’t you, it doesn’t mean you can’t be an effective and loving mother. It just means you need to pray harder. You’re already doing all you can. So get help–invite the Holy Spirit to lend a hand when doing it all alone seems to be too much.

I wrote a witness for bible study this week in which I observed that I never really got along very well with my own mother. She was something of a perfectionist, I was anything but perfect, and an only child, to boot, and her continuous disappointment with me colored our relationship until the day she died. If you’re a young mother, and you’re struggling, you may want to pray about how your child will remember his or her childhood. If, during times of stress, you remember that we are called by God to be gentle, that the meek shall inherit the earth, it may be easier to maintain your composure and allow the rough moments to pass, so that they easily recall good times growing up.

Finally, it is the peacemakers who shall be called children of God. This, thankfully, applies to husbands and wives, mothers and fathers. If our children grow up amidst chaos, they will seek it as adults, and will find themselves in tumultuous relationships. Our home should be our refuge, and all of us crave the comfort and security that comes from a home that is one of warmth, love, understanding and acceptance.

Sure, things get wild, maybe every day, and hopefully on purpose; our homes are not meant to be tombs. But they are, at some point, and on some level, where we rest our heads and our hearts. Couples willing to spend half an hour together after the kids are in bed putting their homes back together for the next day’s festivities are, again, sharing God’s grace.

There will be more basketball games on TV. There will be more IMs on Facebook. But there will never again be a time when you can have this much positive influence over your kids and the adults they will one day become; their peers are gaining on you. The world is filled with people who regret not having been more engaged parents. There are relatively few people out there who, looking back over their lives, regret not having watched more basketball.

So, during this Lent, let us all promise to do more to promote peace, love and understanding in our own homes. Husbands, fathers, let us support our wives in their roles as mothers, and let us all show mercy to our own families first, and the rest of the world in its turn. While it’s not as good as having been there for The Sermon on the Mount, we will be integrating the word of God into our daily lives. He will be pleased with us.

Valentine’s Day Revisited

Posted on February 12, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Thanks to WikiPedia for the following introduction:

February 14 is celebrated as St Valentine’s Day in various Christian denominations; it has, for example, the rank of ‘commemoration’ in the calendar of saints in the Anglican Communion. In addition, the feast day of Saint Valentine is also given in the calendar of saints of the Lutheran Church. However, in the 1969 revision of the Roman Catholic Calendar of Saints, the feast day of Saint Valentine on February 14 was removed from the General Roman Calendar and relegated to particular (local or even national) calendars for the following reason: “Though the memorial of Saint Valentine is ancient, it is left to particular calendars, since, apart from his name, nothing is known of Saint Valentine except that he was buried on the Via Flaminia on February 14.”

Seems there may have been several St. Valentines, at least one of whom was of some low character. The Church, choosing safe over sorry, has given St. Valentine, all three of him, the boot. Not damaging in any way the onslaught of red-colored confections and fru-fru parked in the center aisles of better discount, drug and department stores near you.

Once again, we Christians have managed to turn what was once a religious feast day into a secular selling opportunity. In the process, we routinely substitute grasping for short-term pleasure for seeking lasting happiness. Marketing types endeavor to raise everyone’s expectations, and we approach February 14th with credit cards extended, to ward off any hint of mediocrity or penury in outward displays of monetized affection we tend not to duplicate for another 365 days. Your basic flash in the pan.

Whether it’s on the calendar or not, Valentine’s Day is, in my opinion, another opportunity to affirm for your spouse that you will love him or her forever, that you are glad you married him or her, and that you would happily marry him or her again on most days.

Heading toward our 38th anniversary, Nancy and I don’t go overboard in celebrating most holidays. We are staring retirement in the face, and big displays of what is fairly obvious anyway only serve to put the day when we no longer have to make the daily trudge that much farther away. Christmas and Easter are still big, but Labor Day–not so much.

On most holidays, a bunch of roses from Costco is received as nicely as an FTD delivery and at a third of the price. A plate of salmon on Friday night is virtually indistinguishable from one on Thursday night when we’re busy anyway. Any intra-marital competition is limited to who can find the funnier card. With joint bank accounts, ostentatious gift-giving is a little silly anyway. “Here’s your fabulous gift, darling, and here’s the bill!! Happy Valentine’s Day!”

My new favorite cliche is, “The best things in life aren’t things.” If you want to talk about gifts that keep on giving, talk about the spouse who keeps The Four Horsemen out of your marriage. The spouse who offers to get up early with the kids while you sleep in on a Saturday. The spouse who shows your son how to ride a two-wheeler and your daughter how to bait a hook. The spouse who does so many things around the house without being asked, or expecting to be thanked. The spouse who cleaved to you to create a family, with whom you can be Nanny and PopPop, watching your kids building families of their own, and who will join with you again to envision the families those grandchildren will have someday. All linked inexorably to two people–in our case, a couple of old hippies who met by accident and quickly sensed a connection that will ultimately have led to generations of descendants. Many of whom will have myopia and teenage acne.

In accordance with God’s will.

Though it saddens me to see how a number of my bad qualities have passed on to my children, and are likely to get passed along again, it is a gift to see them working to be effective parents and good wives, as all three of ours are girls. They all married well, and that, too, is a gift from God. These gifts–gifts of serenity, gifts of progeny, gifts of patience and affection and comfort–these are the gifts that experienced Valentine’s Day celebrants look for.

The fru-fru and chocolates can stay right where they are.

Be Prepared

Posted on January 16, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Matthew 25:13: Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour.

As married couples playing the back nine of life, it becomes easy to take each other for granted. She’s been here for thirty-some years, she’ll probably stay. We find ourselves living in what might be called a state of peaceful co-existence, sharing tasks, drama-free. Connected emotionally and physically in a global sense, but not always on a daily basis. This is risky business, when you live with someone you love, because, as St. Matthew warns us, you never know…

Think about how you and your spouse said goodbye to one another today, or yesterday. Would you want that exchange to be the last one the two of you ever had? One that you could sit and reflect upon for the next few decades. Those of you who may have lost someone close to you without getting a chance to say goodbye know what I mean. The rest of you need to pray you don’t find out, and take steps to avoid finding out sooner rather than later.

1 John 2:28: And now, little children, abide in him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink from him in shame at his coming.

How you practice is how you play; this is what sports coaches have been telling kids for centuries. When it comes to marriage, to executing the finer points of marriage, we are called to engage in daily behaviors that will help us avoid years of regret, and which could possibly cost us a trip to salvation.

We must be prepared.

We must make an effort every day to tell our spouse he or she is loved and safe and appreciated. We must make it a daily habit to kiss our spouses at least twice. Like we mean it, none of these air kisses or little annoying pecks. Real kisses. As if you might never see one another again.

We must have a clean heart and a clear conscience, with the sacrament of reconciliation still within its use-by date. We need to take care of business when it comes to finances, in the event we are called unexpectedly. If your retirement plan falls apart if someone dies, it’s not a retirement plan. The idea is to let the surviving partner “stay in his or her world.” financially. If you don’t know how to do this, make an appointment with someone who does. Today.

We must be prepared.

1 Corinthians 15:52: In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed.

If you believe in the second coming, and if you didn’t you probably wouldn’t be reading this, you know it will arrive with no warning. There will be no do-overs. For me, one of the frightening aspects of all this is the fear of leaving things unsaid with Nancy and my family. I, we, must resolve to have those conversations, to write those letters, to leave nothing unsaid. Men, especially, need to pray about this, in that we generally don’t discuss our feelings as readily as do our wives.

The events of September 11, 2001 played a part in my conversion story. If you’re having trouble understanding this ‘ be prepared” stuff, just think about the sensations experienced by the husbands, wives, children and parents, and brothers and sisters of the men and women who lost their lives that day. Out of a clear, crystal blue sky. On a day like any other. With little or no warning. Think of the husbands and wives who failed to kiss each other goodbye that morning, or who went to bed mad the night before and he was gone before she awoke in the morning, and so on.

We must be prepared. To avoid a life of regret on earth, and an eternity of anguish.

John 14:3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.

We know that what awaits us will be, assuming things work out, infinitely better than the short, generally brutish life most people experience during our time on earth. With the gift of free will, we can choose to ensure that things do, in fact, work out. By consciously and conscientiously practicing our faith. By consciously trying to remain as affectionate as possible with our spouse, in celebration of the fine old wine you’ve become. By giving to the poor and sharing with those less fortunate than ourselves. By counting our blessings. And by leaving nothing unsaid with the people we love.

Because you never know.

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