Tag Archives: Family

The Economics of Marriage

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Posted by Christine Burrows 1/9/2013

Christine#1 imageMy kids’ 10th grade economics teacher, Bonnie Kelley, taught that economics isn’t about money. Rather, it’s about choices.

She was referring to setting priorities based upon a person’s, or a business’, or a government’s earnings, and making spending choices that reflect those priorities. Based on the premise that you can’t have it all, economics is about picking between those things or opportunities you CAN have.  Or, as academics say, the artful allocation of scarce resources.

This task of prioritizing how to earn and allocate income is a daunting task for large entitiesChristine#2 image – witness the Federal Government.  It’s daunting for individuals – witness our college daughter during her first semester in college. So, why should it to be any less difficult for two adults in a marriage?

When we were first married, Peter owned a car and a house and had almost finished paying off his student loans. I had a small student loan and no other debt. We both had full-time jobs in our fields.  We were flush.  It feels like we’ve never had as much money as we had back then.

So, what did we do?  Buy a bigger house!  Between the time we qualified for the house on our combined income and moved into it, we took some major hits – Peter took a 20% pay cut, and I quit my teaching job and didn’t find another real position for another year. Suddenly, we were in our big new house, living on about 50% of what we had qualified on.

Macaroni and cheese and Gin Rummy were staples for our Friday nights.  They wereChristine#3 image good times… not really.  It was downright tough.  But in retrospect, it was an important time in our marriage.  We had to figure out our priorities: making the mortgage payment, maintaining cars, meeting basic physical needs were the basics. The extras, like going out? Decorating the home? Saving for a rainy day? These required choices, and took some serious conversations.  At times, I thought a new pair of shoes was the best use of our money. (Or, maybe, I just wanted some new shoes, and, like a child, was unwilling to accept the pain of not getting what I wanted!)

Basic application:  If we are not rich, and most folks aren’t, we must accept that there will be things we just can’t have!

Higher level application: If a married couple accepts that they can’t have it all, they agree to share in both the pleasures and the disappointments that come from not being able to have everything they want.  Even steven.

Herein lies the key to the economics of marriage – you just can’t have it all (or at least most of us can’t).  So, when you’re trimming back from ALL, what gets trimmed?  Doing the trimming together is tough, but ultimately more genuine when you reach those decisions together, if not completely.  Learning how to defer gratification in your youth will shower rewards upon you later in your lives. Christine#4 image

This is hard stuff – no getting around it.  But, isn’t it the right thing?  As compared to, say, running up a bunch of credit cards and crying when the mail comes each day?  When making sacrifices together, they are a little easier. Reaching these agreements peacefully is an art form that develops over years.

Let me say this:  I don’t really like macaroni and cheese.  I laugh when I think about the rummy games from those early days in our marriage.  But I can’t remember a single pair of shoes I bought back then.

Christine#5 image

I am Far From the Perfect (Holy) Family

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On the heels of Gary’s tribute to the Holy Family, guest blogger Anne Slamkowski shares a recent post from her Making Room for God blog.  Here at Love’s Sacred Embrace, we have mainly focused our energy to date on husbands and wives.  Thanks to Anne (and Gary) for bringing our children into the picture.

I am Far From the Perfect (Holy) Family

by Anne Slamkowski on 01/03/13

The Holy Family (Mary, Joseph and Jesus) is such an awe-inspiring bunch!  When I think of the perfect family, those three are at the top of the list.  So this weekend when I was at church and I heard the reading from Luke 2:41-51, I was left with my mouth wide open.

Now His parents went to Jerusalem every year at the Feast of the Passover. And when He became twelve, they went up there according to the custom of the Feast; and as they were returning, after spending the full number of days, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem.

But His parents were unaware of it, but supposed Him to be in the caravan, and went a day’s journey; and they began looking for Him among their relatives and acquaintances. When they did not find Him, they returned to Jerusalem looking for Him.

Then, after three days they found Him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the teachers, both listening to them and asking them questions. And all who heard Him were amazed at His understanding and His answers.  When they saw Him, they were astonished;

And His mother said to Him, “Son, why have You treated us this way? Behold, Your father and I have been anxiously looking for You.”

And He said to them, “Why is it that you were looking for Me? Did you not know that I had to be in My Father’s house?”  

But they did not understand the statement which He had made to them. And He went down with them and came to Nazareth, and He continued in subjection to them; and His mother treasured all these things in her heart.

The perfect family looked a lot like my family (and we are FAR from perfect).  I could feel Mary’s anxiety like I had just experienced it yesterday (which I had).  Oh too well did I empathize with Mary’s feeling.  The one where I am worried sick and my child starts talking to me like I am stupid (Why is it that you were looking for me?).  Duh.  I was looking for you because I love you!  I was worried!  I was anxious about what would happen to you!  I felt Mary’s pain.  I have a child just like this.  She is wonderful and kind and loving.  She is independent and smart.  She also is a handful, exhausting and makes me anxious all the time.  Until this Sunday, I never put it together how Mary must have felt when Jesus spent 3 days in Jerusalem by himself.  For me, just putting myself in Mary’s place, I could see the picture become quite clear.  Here is how I imagine it going down for me:

Where’s Kate?

I thought she was in your car.

No.

Oh my gosh!  We left her! We have to go back now!

What have we done?  How could we leave her?

As we return back to the spot that we assume we left her, we find Kate.  My heart which has been rapidly pounding for 3 days, finally melts as I see my baby. 

Kate, why didn’t you get in our car? (expecting her to cry and sob)

Mom, why were you looking for me?  I was here with my friends and family.  Why are you so worried?  You should have known I was here.

The boiling point in my body is rising rapidly. I can barely contain my anger.  Are you kidding me?  I was scared to death for days about you.  I felt guilt that I hadn’t noticed you were gone.  I have replayed the scenario 100 times in my head trying to figure out what I did wrong.  I couldn’t imagine how scared you must have been while we were gone.  I couldn’t bare the fact that you were sobbing somewhere and maybe kidnapped by some maniac.  I practically killed myself thinking about the “what ifs.”  And now you are asking me why I was so worried!  I will give you worried, missy!

Now, let’s face it, Mary was a little nicer than me.  She is perfect in all forms – that is why God chose her for his son’s mother.  I am not perfect, so my reaction is a little more filled with sin (because I am a sinner).  For the first time though, I realized the love that Mary felt for her son.  It was obvious in her reaction that she was scared for his whereabouts.  She knew she had given birth to the Savior of the World.  She also probably knew that from birth through the rest of his life – he was a “marked man.”  People were looking for him.  I am sure she wasn’t prepared to lose him at the young age of 12.  My guess is she was asking God to please not take him yet.  Please allow her to have him just a little longer.  She loved him so much.  When we are scared, most of us turn to God.  When we are full of anxiety, most of us turn to God.  Mary, I am sure turned to God. 

I guess what this all told me is that my life is just normal.  Even though I think I am the only oneFamily at dinner that experiences these difficult child rearing years, I am not.  Even Mary experienced it.  When I think I am making hard choices as a mother, there are others around me that can empathize.   We all try our best as parents to raise our kids to be the best possible person.  As a Christian, I pray that my kids will follow Christ in all of their choices and I try to model that (although sometimes I fail miserably).  For thousands of years people have been parenting kids with these same ideals. What Mary reminded me was that we all experience these hard times in parenting.  The important part about the entire scenario is the end when it says, “Jesus continued in subjection to them; and His mother treasured all these things in her heart.”  Jesus respected his parents and their decisions (even though he didn’t always understand their choices or actions).  Mary treasured her life that God had given her.  She thanked God for the blessings of parenthood and treasured it in her heart even in the difficult moments (when you think you are going to lose your cool).  As a parent, I know that I have to ask for God’s help because I cannot do it alone.  I cannot survive without His strength.  I want my scenario to look and end more like Mary’s.  I want to step back and treasure parenthood in my heart (not raise my boiling point until I explode – although sometimes that is unavoidable).  I want to find time for God, so that He is right there with me throughout the journey of parenthood (which by the way NEVER ends).

So take time to thank God for the good and the bad of parenthood today.

What’s Mine is Mine, What’s Yours is Ours

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One of the laugh lines in our marriage has been Nancy’s tongue-in-cheek dictum that marriage-vs-money“What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is ours.”  This has been a reminder over the past 37 years that marrying a woman from New Jersey can be fraught with peril.  And a lot of laughs.

Love’s Sacred Embrace is devoting the month of January to two complementary themes: Money, Budgeting and Finances, and Submission to Each Other.  For many of us, January is the financial hangover that follows the commercial binge of the Christmas season.  Despite our best intentions and promises to “hold the line,” we typically confront January with a pile of bills stacked on top of the usual pile of bills.  It can be a dreadfully stressful situation, one which, at least for me, used to take much of the joy out of the season. Fortunately, my Jersey girl insisted four years ago that we create a  budget, and I, being the good husband I am, submitted to her wishes, albeit only after decades of resisting.

A budget, by itself, is not a solution to a lifestyle in which expenditures routinely exceed incomes.  The process of putting together a budget, however, forces couples to discuss which things are more or less important to them.  A budget, to which each spouse eventually commits (submits), then, is a process, a negotiation, a way of discovering what is important to each other, and what less-important things must be sacrificed in order to have the important stuff.

It’s probably true that a good working budget forces each spouse to acknowledge the truth that you win some, and you lose some.  As in all things related to marriage, if one spouse does all the giving up, and the other spouse does all the winning, there will be storm clouds on the horizon.

Our bloggers will be addressing finances, and submission, in the coming few weeks.  I discovered a site called Money and Marriage God’s Way which offers a host of information and insights into this subject.  Here’s a sample.

As the article points out, in a working sacramental marriage, there is no yours and no mine.  There is only ours.  Someone needs to break this news to Nancy.

MACORF-00027326-001For a great conversation on this topic, please join us on January 12th for Second Saturdays:  Marriage on Tap.  Brett Selear will lead a date night discussion on the topic of recovering from the holidays, financially and spiritually.

Winning

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Today I find myself thinking about the differences between boys and girls, men and women, husbands and wives.  This, as a way of understanding how men’s orientation toward the concept of marriage is shaped by genetics and socialization, and why this basic—ingrained?—orientation may need to evolve if the marriage is to be built on a solid foundation.

I heard a story on NPR recently that examined the differences in infant boys and infant girls.  In the experiment, a Plexiglas barrier was placed between the baby and its mother, so that the baby could see mom, but could not reach or touch her.  As expected, the girls, more mature at this age, figured out quickly that they were upset, and began to cry.  The boys, after a while, discovered they were frustrated, and began seeking ways around and over the barrier, becoming angry when they were unable to do so.

Backs up what I used to observe when our kids would encounter adversity on the sports field:  Girls get sad, boys get mad.  This is not me being a chauvinist; it’s an academic study that happens to support my own bias, and which I therefore endorse. Lorenzo winning

Here’s what boys are NOT taught by their peers growing up:

Colossians 3:12   12Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.

For most boys, our orientation toward the world typically becomes one of competition—for the parents’ attention versus siblings, in sports, in school, for the ability to impress the girls.  Not surprisingly, this, along with our genetic predisposition to action, causes many of us to approach the institution of marriage with the idea of winning.  Seeking out the ideal girl or woman, crushing the competition for her affections, convincing her of the indescribable joy in store for her as your mate for life, and getting interest-free financing on the ring.

Anyone see anything in here about kindness, humility, meekness or patience?

Once we’ve landed her, and have had a few years to get adjusted to the reality of living together, this male orientation easily produces a mindset in which the relationship is seen as a zero sum game wherein fun is set against responsibility.  And, typically, he sets about winning, having as much fun as he can get away with, and doing as little as possible to keep the family unit intact without incurring the absolute wrath of his spouse.  Winning.

His spouse, by the way, came up learning how to nurture and communicate with those around her, probably has a predisposition to understanding our natures, for better or worse, and generally is not surprised to get the short end of the transactional straw.  In Iris Krasnow’s book The Secret Lives of Wives, a number of wives share stories of how they found happiness with the smaller share.  I joke with Nancy about arm-wrestling her for the last piece of her peach pie.  For many couples, their marriage IS the pie.  They do “arm-wrestle.”  And the men “win.”

Matthew 20:26  It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant.

One of the lessons I’ve learned along the way of my own relatively short spiritual journey is that my language of love, acts of service, is in fact one of the behaviors Jesus insists we adopt as members of the Body of Christ and, on a smaller scale, as husbands.  (Talk about a lucky break.)  It took me years to appreciate this, during which I feel I slacked on Nancy, notably while our children were growing up. I was out of town too much of the time, trying to pack a week’s worth of living into a two day weekend.  I was very transactional.  I was trying to win.

In the early 2000’s, Nancy’s career path and mine crossed.  Hers was on the way up, after 13 years at home with the kids.  Mine was trending downward. Eventually, I adopted the attitude that I would focus on taking care of a few more tasks of running the house than before, which included grocery shopping and most of the cooking.  This was what I could contribute to the marriage while I was having career issues.  This was also about the time I began my conversion, after 50 years of having been intentionally un-churched, which may or may not be a coincidence.

Mark 10:43-45  43 Not so with you.  Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, 44 and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. 45 For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

The over-arching lesson of all of this for me:  if we as men adopt a posture of service to God, our spouses, and our children, early in our marriages, it will produce more aggregate happiness, and God will smile on us for having seen the wisdom of His Son’s many lessons, quoted here in Mark’s gospel.  In my case, the language of love was there, but I was unwilling of or unable to acknowledge the Holy Spirit, urging me to be a better husband.  I think it must be a rare marriage, indeed, in which the husband is committed as Jesus prescribed, and the wife (and relationship) is not happy, content, and aligned with the Word of God.  Gentlemen, it is so NOT about winning.

H

The Four Major Hurdles to Marital Happiness, Part Two

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Our previous post explored the challenges that children bring to a marriage, and some of the financial implications of living together as husband and wife.  This second piece focuses on two other subjects that married couples need to resolve lovingly, those being sex and the equitable sharing of household tasks.

About Sex

The Church’s teachings on sex and intimacy in marriage have evolved greatly over the past 25 years.  Historically, it was one of those things Catholics just didn’t talk about, as you could even get in trouble talking about it in some places, such as parochial schools.

Since the publication of Theology of the Body and the books that discuss it—The Good News About Sex and Marriage being first and foremost—there are many Catholic resources out there for couples seeking both physical and emotional intimacy in the marital bed. 

The Love’s Sacred Embrace retreats at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel are centered on Theology of the Body, on connecting the physical and spiritual aspects of our marriages with Christ’s marriage to His Church.  If we ignore the spiritual side of our marriage, it’s easy to get caught up in the secular elements—the ones that come at you in the hundreds—that put a serious strain on relationships.

There will be plenty more posts on the topic of sex within sacramental marriage.  For now, let us simply acknowledge that our physical relationship with our spouse is a gift from God, an integral part of sacramental marriage.  As Catholics, we are called to celebrate our marriages—to our spouse, and as part of the Body of Christ—fully in both their spiritual and human aspects.

Last word on this subject—it’s okay to have sex with your spouse.  In fact, it’s VERY okay.  It is a living re-presentation of your marriage vows.  And do you even KNOW what The Touch of Eden is?  You’ll have to attend a retreat at OLMC to find out! 

About the Division of Labor

The commentary on the Mass two weeks ago addressed an idea that has been floating around in my head for awhile, but one that I’ve never been able to adequately express.  It is the Servant-Leader, and its importance was immediately visible to me as regards marriage enrichment.

Clearly, the commentary was focused on Jesus as the ultimate Servant-Leader, the savior who came to earth not to be served, but to serve.  This model, of service to the ones we love, is a perfect template for bringing harmony to our marriages.

The Division of Labor argument typically finds both spouses feeling put upon and unappreciated for all they do, and usually provokes some form of hostility.  In the background of this argument is the suggestion that neither spouse wants to do a heckuva lot more than what they’re already doing to keep the wheels on.  It is this orientation, which is completely human and understandable, that must be re-examined in order for couples to escape repeated instances of this dispute.

As with most things Christian, the answer is paradoxical.  The answer is to seek opportunities to serve your spouse, above and beyond the call, so to speak.  Volunteer to take early duty with the kids on both Saturday and Sunday one weekend.  Play checkers with his dad while he goes to a pub on Sunday to watch the Colts.  Come home early and make dinner for her book club.

Jesus was the model of the Servant-Leader, and we as husbands and wives are called to serve one another.  The side effect, of course, is that both spouses are happier, and a cycle of service can help these small acts of service become a way of life.  One that works both ways.  Not-so-random acts of kindness that anticipate needs and are offered up without being asked.  Leaning into one another, in small ways, rather than leaning away.

For those with too much to do, the answer is to seek one’s partner, and volunteer to do more.  Negotiate where the time will come from.  Seek “Acknowledgement, Acceptance and Appreciation” for your efforts.  Enlist the help of The Holy Spirit.  Your spouse will usually reciprocate, and offer to help you in some way, almost always without being asked.  Repeat, and repeat again.  Release the power of your faith.  Give it up, and see if The Holy Spirit doesn’t lighten your load.

Summary

If you and your spouse are spending a great deal of your time arguing, it may be that you could benefit from some coaching in some common areas of discord. The marriage enrichment ministry at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel wishes to be a resource to help improve your marriage.  Our bi-annual retreats and monthly Marriage on Tap events are great places to meet other Catholic couples with similar concerns and an interest in creating an environment that supports marriage in our community.

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If things in your marriage have moved too far along for the kind of informal support we provide in this ministry, we recommend you seek help from Third Option, a Catholic support group for marriages in trouble.

Evangelization is hard work…and it starts in our bedrooms

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Posted by Christine Burrows

The election is over, and there’s no friend of religious freedom in the White House. Does that mean, as some might fret, that the Catholic Church (and all its affiliated organizations) are about to be forever subverted?

I choose not to believe this.

I won’t lie. I am disappointed with the outcome of the presidential race.  Maybe you are, too.  But does that mean we fold our arms, sulk, run and hide, or instead figure out how to save the things we treasure so deeply about our faith by becoming true evangelists?

I choose the latter.

We clearly have our work cut out for us.  Many current cultural and political trends run contrary to our beliefs; we are paddling upstream..This work must start, not in city hall, but in our neighborhoods, our homes – and in our bedrooms.

Our bedrooms?  Yes. That’s where we begin to nurture the most important relationship we have – our marriage. Through the marital embrace and open communication, one plus one equals one.  When two become one, we are stronger. In this strengthened state, we can begin to evangelize in our families. Then, if we’re lucky, some of these seeds will take root in our children, friends, siblings and parents. They, in turn, may then grow in confidence to share the message of our faith with their friends and spouses – and so on.

I saw a Facebook post the other day. It was one that had been liked by thousands of people before my kid’s elementary school classmate posted it. It was a picture of a husband and wife turned away from one another in bed. The accompanying story described a husband who asked his wife for a divorce so that he could marry another woman. His wife asked him to agree to carry her out of their bedroom every day for one month before she’d agree to the divorce. No spoilers here… the mere act of reconnecting with her physically drew the husband toward his wife and away from his desire to divorce….just too late.

Not everyone who read that post took from it what I did, but there’s a simple point to remaining physically connected with our spouses. Sharing home or parenting responsibilities with a spouse isn’t enough to preserve the marriage. That’s just co-habitating or co-parenting.

Real marriage involves a physical and emotional connection that doesn’t happen in any other relationships. And, when that intimacy is nurtured and God is blessing it, we can do just about anything… handle the grueling routines of raising kids, deal with unexpected hardships, and even do the hard work of preserving our faith and religious freedom.

So, let’s start our evangelization efforts in our bedrooms, and fortify ourselves for the harder work of evangelizing the rest of the country.

What We Mean by “Sacred Embrace”

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Posted by Christine Burrows

Contrary to popular belief, modern Catholics do not think of sex as bad, shameful, or sinful. In its proper context, Catholics love sex, so much that we regard it as sacred. Ours is a counter-cultural faith, and this is Exhibit A.  For those of you unfamiliar with The Theology of the Body, this is a brief primer to whet your appetite.

It may help to begin by stating clearly what Theology of the Body is NOT.  It is not about the casual, recreational, self-focused sexual encounters portrayed in contemporary media.  It is not about the objectification of women that fuels the pornography industry.  It is not about “scoring”, “getting off” or any of the other vulgar measures of our cultural self-degradation.

The Theology of the Body is the fundamental Catholic teaching on human sexuality, borne of the writings of Pope John Paul II.  The Pope began this work in 1979 and devoted five years of his pontificate to helping us understand God’s word as it relates to sex within sacramental marriage between a man and a woman.  Few Catholics are aware of it or can claim to any real understanding of it. (Not surprisingly, even fewer people outside the church have even heard of it.)  Which is a shame, because it is a beautiful, intensely intimate portrait of what God intended for us before The Fall.

  • Christopher West is a contemporary expert on Theology of the Body, having spent years unpacking it and presenting it in everyday English to those of us who don’t have the time or talent to fully understand John Paul II’s words.  Check out his videos and books at www.christopherwest.com. 
  • At the core of Theology of the Body is the truth that God gave men and women complementary bodies, and that “our bodies tell a story, the most beautiful story imaginable.” (Christopher West). Our bodies are uniquely designed and have special characteristics which give us the ability to unite physically and to procreate.
  • A second important premise to Theology of the Body is that we are all searching, longing for something. As Catholics, we believe this longing is to understand and embrace our God-given purpose: to know, love and serve God on Earth and to live happily with him forever in Heaven.
  • When we put together these two basic premises, we see that sex (so intimate, intense, and with the miraculous potential for new life) may actually be a way to quench that longing. The problem with lots of the sex that’s happening today is that it’s distorted, selfish, and incomplete – and has little to do with living out our purpose on Earth. It may satisfy a physical longing, but it doesn’t come close to satisfying our deepest longing to know, love and serve God.
  • Theology of the Body teaches us that sexual intercourse (the marital embrace) is a unifying act between a man, a woman AND God. It is an act of faith, open to God’s will and intervention. Not simply an opportunity to feel good in one another’s physical company, nor the means to getting pregnant. It is a sacred bond that gives us a glimpse of heaven, the uniting of our bodies in accordance with God’s word and his plan for us. It requires trust, submission, the love of one another and the love of God. It is a spiritual encounter of the highest order.

WOW!! That’s heavy stuff, and truly just a teaser. There’s more, much more. Stay tuned here, and dig deeper elsewhere. I dare say that once you “get” Theology of the Body, you will begin to change your entire worldview.  Moral issues will become clearer. Relationships will become more important. And selflessness will become a daily goal. Just imagine if… when… we ALL get it!

Can I have an “AMEN!”