Category Archives: Theology of the Body

I am Far From the Perfect (Holy) Family

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On the heels of Gary’s tribute to the Holy Family, guest blogger Anne Slamkowski shares a recent post from her Making Room for God blog.  Here at Love’s Sacred Embrace, we have mainly focused our energy to date on husbands and wives.  Thanks to Anne (and Gary) for bringing our children into the picture.

I am Far From the Perfect (Holy) Family

by Anne Slamkowski on 01/03/13

The Holy Family (Mary, Joseph and Jesus) is such an awe-inspiring bunch!  When I think of the perfect family, those three are at the top of the list.  So this weekend when I was at church and I heard the reading from Luke 2:41-51, I was left with my mouth wide open.

Now His parents went to Jerusalem every year at the Feast of the Passover. And when He became twelve, they went up there according to the custom of the Feast; and as they were returning, after spending the full number of days, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem.

But His parents were unaware of it, but supposed Him to be in the caravan, and went a day’s journey; and they began looking for Him among their relatives and acquaintances. When they did not find Him, they returned to Jerusalem looking for Him.

Then, after three days they found Him in the temple, sitting in the midst of the teachers, both listening to them and asking them questions. And all who heard Him were amazed at His understanding and His answers.  When they saw Him, they were astonished;

And His mother said to Him, “Son, why have You treated us this way? Behold, Your father and I have been anxiously looking for You.”

And He said to them, “Why is it that you were looking for Me? Did you not know that I had to be in My Father’s house?”  

But they did not understand the statement which He had made to them. And He went down with them and came to Nazareth, and He continued in subjection to them; and His mother treasured all these things in her heart.

The perfect family looked a lot like my family (and we are FAR from perfect).  I could feel Mary’s anxiety like I had just experienced it yesterday (which I had).  Oh too well did I empathize with Mary’s feeling.  The one where I am worried sick and my child starts talking to me like I am stupid (Why is it that you were looking for me?).  Duh.  I was looking for you because I love you!  I was worried!  I was anxious about what would happen to you!  I felt Mary’s pain.  I have a child just like this.  She is wonderful and kind and loving.  She is independent and smart.  She also is a handful, exhausting and makes me anxious all the time.  Until this Sunday, I never put it together how Mary must have felt when Jesus spent 3 days in Jerusalem by himself.  For me, just putting myself in Mary’s place, I could see the picture become quite clear.  Here is how I imagine it going down for me:

Where’s Kate?

I thought she was in your car.

No.

Oh my gosh!  We left her! We have to go back now!

What have we done?  How could we leave her?

As we return back to the spot that we assume we left her, we find Kate.  My heart which has been rapidly pounding for 3 days, finally melts as I see my baby. 

Kate, why didn’t you get in our car? (expecting her to cry and sob)

Mom, why were you looking for me?  I was here with my friends and family.  Why are you so worried?  You should have known I was here.

The boiling point in my body is rising rapidly. I can barely contain my anger.  Are you kidding me?  I was scared to death for days about you.  I felt guilt that I hadn’t noticed you were gone.  I have replayed the scenario 100 times in my head trying to figure out what I did wrong.  I couldn’t imagine how scared you must have been while we were gone.  I couldn’t bare the fact that you were sobbing somewhere and maybe kidnapped by some maniac.  I practically killed myself thinking about the “what ifs.”  And now you are asking me why I was so worried!  I will give you worried, missy!

Now, let’s face it, Mary was a little nicer than me.  She is perfect in all forms – that is why God chose her for his son’s mother.  I am not perfect, so my reaction is a little more filled with sin (because I am a sinner).  For the first time though, I realized the love that Mary felt for her son.  It was obvious in her reaction that she was scared for his whereabouts.  She knew she had given birth to the Savior of the World.  She also probably knew that from birth through the rest of his life – he was a “marked man.”  People were looking for him.  I am sure she wasn’t prepared to lose him at the young age of 12.  My guess is she was asking God to please not take him yet.  Please allow her to have him just a little longer.  She loved him so much.  When we are scared, most of us turn to God.  When we are full of anxiety, most of us turn to God.  Mary, I am sure turned to God. 

I guess what this all told me is that my life is just normal.  Even though I think I am the only oneFamily at dinner that experiences these difficult child rearing years, I am not.  Even Mary experienced it.  When I think I am making hard choices as a mother, there are others around me that can empathize.   We all try our best as parents to raise our kids to be the best possible person.  As a Christian, I pray that my kids will follow Christ in all of their choices and I try to model that (although sometimes I fail miserably).  For thousands of years people have been parenting kids with these same ideals. What Mary reminded me was that we all experience these hard times in parenting.  The important part about the entire scenario is the end when it says, “Jesus continued in subjection to them; and His mother treasured all these things in her heart.”  Jesus respected his parents and their decisions (even though he didn’t always understand their choices or actions).  Mary treasured her life that God had given her.  She thanked God for the blessings of parenthood and treasured it in her heart even in the difficult moments (when you think you are going to lose your cool).  As a parent, I know that I have to ask for God’s help because I cannot do it alone.  I cannot survive without His strength.  I want my scenario to look and end more like Mary’s.  I want to step back and treasure parenthood in my heart (not raise my boiling point until I explode – although sometimes that is unavoidable).  I want to find time for God, so that He is right there with me throughout the journey of parenthood (which by the way NEVER ends).

So take time to thank God for the good and the bad of parenthood today.

The Wisdom of Mother Teresa

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“God hasn’t called me to be successful. He’s called me to be faithful.”

Mother Teresa left us with many inspirational thoughts, but this one really struck me for some reason.  I recently attended a Parish Mission at Our Lady of Mount Carmel with Father Ron Hoye.  On the night I was able to attend, Fr. Ron talked about discipleship.  He asked us to reflect on our own discipleship and specifically asked us to reflect on how we can offer the many beautiful gifts God has given us back to Him.

My faith journey has helped me realize that part of being “faithful” as Mother Teresa suggests, is about being “faithful” to my vocation as wife and mother.  As Father Ron mentioned during the Parish Mission, God does not ask that we be perfect disciples.  There is no such things as the “perfect” marriage or the “perfect” family, but He does ask that we at least try to be his disciples.

So what does that mean that I need to be the disciple God has called me to be?  How does that alter how I live out my life as wife and mother?  I certainly don’t have the answer to those questions and probably never will, but in my simple reflection I keep coming back to one word – love.

So, how can I as a wife and mother give back to Christ the beautiful gifts he has given to me?  Love.  Love my husband.  Love my children.  Love Christ.

Submission

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Posted by Christine Burrows

happiness image #2 Christine

Let’s break it down. Sub= below. Mission = calling, duty. To put oneself below or under the calling or duty which one answers.

Huh? Not words or concepts that resonate in today’s culture. In fact, they seem rather contrary to the contemporary spirit of individualism, independence, and self-promotion. How do we begin to discuss submitting to God or our spouse, when the concept of submission isn’t one most of us often consider? I started with a surrender…

Several years ago, I read Surrendering to Motherhood:  Losing your Mind, Finding Your Soul, by Iris Krasnow.  Krasnow was a journalist with 4 boys under the age of 4 when Ethel Kennedy finally returned her call for an interview. She was hip deep in little boy issues, and simultaneously trying to focus on conducting the interview.  It was bad timing, to say the least. Finally, Ethel said, “You go do what’s important,” and hung up on her.  Iris was devastated, but went on to describe this incident as a catalyst for her surrendering to her calling as mother.

I understood her conundrum. I had 4 kids under 7 at the time, and was doing some balancing of my own – unwilling to surrender one vocation for another.  Krasnow’s story made me smile, and I wondered who would need to hang up on me to give me the push to prioritize my callings, and to do so without resentment.

My own surrender was just beginning.

Flash forward to my first exposure to Theology of the Body. I’m pretty sure I was pregnant with our third child when I first heard a woman give a talk at a retreat about Theology of the Body.  I definitely didn’t get it.  Even though I was a “practicing” Catholic, I had never heard anyone bring God into the marital embrace like this woman did. I thought I was doing well by being a faithful wife, and being willing to have more than 2 babies, albeit on our schedule.  While I may have been surrendering to my vocation of motherhood, I wasn’t all that keen on the idea of submission. I’d say at that point, I was a controlled submissive.  I controlled when and how I submitted to God’s will in our marriage.

Thank God for women like my sister who desired more knowledge and were bold enough to want to share what they learned.  These true evangelists are responsible for spreading the beautiful messages of Theology of the Body my way.  As I learned more, I became more inspired to share, and more submissive to God. It radically changed the way I viewed my husband, my vocation as a mother, our family, my call to evangelization, and my love for our faith.happiness image Christine

Through the grace of God and the courage of these evangelists, I slowly found peace in submitting to God’s plan for me and my marriage.  How many children we have, where we end up living, how much income we generate, how we manage challenges like illness and financial stress, etc. – all managed by peacefully surrendering to God and trusting in his divine providence.

This week I heard a news update about how fewer people are marrying. The analyst spoke about how fewer men want to marry, and perhaps that’s because women have become more aggressive (their words, not mine). Something in this story made me think about that reluctance to submissiveness that we as a culture have. Rather, we have a stronger drive for independence and self-determination. Yet, if we could pause to think about WHO we are submitting to, and from whom we are asserting our independence, this might change. If we openly submit to God, we would desire to enter into the most sacred union God has created for us – marriage.

Surrendering, submitting, and accepting God’s will.  It’s so incredibly humbling!  But in that humility, there is grace and joy.  I strongly encourage all of us to give it a try by taking baby steps in our marriages.  Seek a moment in prayer to ask God for His will in your relationship, and see where that selflessness takes you and your spouse.

Don’t Ignore the Greatest Gift Given to Us – Love

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“And the greatest of these is love”.  This was a verse from the second reading of our wedding and most likely it was the second verse from your wedding too.  This verse comes from 1 Corinthians 13:13 when St. Paul explains that “Love never fails” and love is the greatest gift God gives us.

Recently, I came across a recent blog post by Fr. Robert Barron’s website, WordonFire.org titled “Sex, Love, and God: The Catholic Answer to Puritanism and Nietzcheanism”.  Fr. Barron starts off describing the shift in sexual morality in today’s society indicating that it is clearly declining and begins referencing the Book of Genesis and that God created us to love and be loved.  Think about it for a second.  Think about all the people you love and those that love you.  As humans it is engrained in our DNA to want to be loved and to love another.  No gift in the world and no other feeling can top the feeling of love.  So as I read Fr. Barron’s article I had to stop and reflect on how God’s gift of “love” is truly the greatest gift of all.

So how come love gets ignored in many sexual relationships?  Fr. Barron explains it as “The goodness of sexual desire is designed, by its very nature, to become ingredient in a program of self-forgetting love and hence to become something rare and life enhancing.  If you want to see what happens when this principle is ignored, take a long hard look at the hookup culture prevalent among many young — and not so young — people today. Sex as mere recreation, as contact sport, as a source only of superficial pleasure has produced armies of the desperately sad and anxious, many who have no idea that it is precisely their errant sexuality that has produced such deleterious effects in them. When sexual pleasure is drawn out of itself by the magnetic attraction of love, it is rescued from self-preoccupation.”

If we ignore the greatest gift given to us by God and only strive to “feel good” then we are truly missing out on something so wonderful that no one can describe.  So I hope you enjoyed Fr. Barron’s article and I hope you stop for a moment and experience the chills or goose bumps of being loved and loving.

God Bless.

The Four Major Hurdles to Marital Happiness, Part Two

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Our previous post explored the challenges that children bring to a marriage, and some of the financial implications of living together as husband and wife.  This second piece focuses on two other subjects that married couples need to resolve lovingly, those being sex and the equitable sharing of household tasks.

About Sex

The Church’s teachings on sex and intimacy in marriage have evolved greatly over the past 25 years.  Historically, it was one of those things Catholics just didn’t talk about, as you could even get in trouble talking about it in some places, such as parochial schools.

Since the publication of Theology of the Body and the books that discuss it—The Good News About Sex and Marriage being first and foremost—there are many Catholic resources out there for couples seeking both physical and emotional intimacy in the marital bed. 

The Love’s Sacred Embrace retreats at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel are centered on Theology of the Body, on connecting the physical and spiritual aspects of our marriages with Christ’s marriage to His Church.  If we ignore the spiritual side of our marriage, it’s easy to get caught up in the secular elements—the ones that come at you in the hundreds—that put a serious strain on relationships.

There will be plenty more posts on the topic of sex within sacramental marriage.  For now, let us simply acknowledge that our physical relationship with our spouse is a gift from God, an integral part of sacramental marriage.  As Catholics, we are called to celebrate our marriages—to our spouse, and as part of the Body of Christ—fully in both their spiritual and human aspects.

Last word on this subject—it’s okay to have sex with your spouse.  In fact, it’s VERY okay.  It is a living re-presentation of your marriage vows.  And do you even KNOW what The Touch of Eden is?  You’ll have to attend a retreat at OLMC to find out! 

About the Division of Labor

The commentary on the Mass two weeks ago addressed an idea that has been floating around in my head for awhile, but one that I’ve never been able to adequately express.  It is the Servant-Leader, and its importance was immediately visible to me as regards marriage enrichment.

Clearly, the commentary was focused on Jesus as the ultimate Servant-Leader, the savior who came to earth not to be served, but to serve.  This model, of service to the ones we love, is a perfect template for bringing harmony to our marriages.

The Division of Labor argument typically finds both spouses feeling put upon and unappreciated for all they do, and usually provokes some form of hostility.  In the background of this argument is the suggestion that neither spouse wants to do a heckuva lot more than what they’re already doing to keep the wheels on.  It is this orientation, which is completely human and understandable, that must be re-examined in order for couples to escape repeated instances of this dispute.

As with most things Christian, the answer is paradoxical.  The answer is to seek opportunities to serve your spouse, above and beyond the call, so to speak.  Volunteer to take early duty with the kids on both Saturday and Sunday one weekend.  Play checkers with his dad while he goes to a pub on Sunday to watch the Colts.  Come home early and make dinner for her book club.

Jesus was the model of the Servant-Leader, and we as husbands and wives are called to serve one another.  The side effect, of course, is that both spouses are happier, and a cycle of service can help these small acts of service become a way of life.  One that works both ways.  Not-so-random acts of kindness that anticipate needs and are offered up without being asked.  Leaning into one another, in small ways, rather than leaning away.

For those with too much to do, the answer is to seek one’s partner, and volunteer to do more.  Negotiate where the time will come from.  Seek “Acknowledgement, Acceptance and Appreciation” for your efforts.  Enlist the help of The Holy Spirit.  Your spouse will usually reciprocate, and offer to help you in some way, almost always without being asked.  Repeat, and repeat again.  Release the power of your faith.  Give it up, and see if The Holy Spirit doesn’t lighten your load.

Summary

If you and your spouse are spending a great deal of your time arguing, it may be that you could benefit from some coaching in some common areas of discord. The marriage enrichment ministry at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel wishes to be a resource to help improve your marriage.  Our bi-annual retreats and monthly Marriage on Tap events are great places to meet other Catholic couples with similar concerns and an interest in creating an environment that supports marriage in our community.

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If things in your marriage have moved too far along for the kind of informal support we provide in this ministry, we recommend you seek help from Third Option, a Catholic support group for marriages in trouble.

Fight For Your Marriage

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Parishioner Anne Slamkowski’s Making Room for God Blog has some great stuff for thoughtful Catholics.  Her initial posting on Marriage–Fight for your Marriage–is re-presented here.

By Anne Slamkowski on 11/16/12

A subject that I had not tackled yet on my blog or at all in my book, Revealing Faith, is marriage. While I am not avoiding the topic of marriage, I just consider myself a work-in-progress, so it hasn’t seemed like the appropriate time to write about my limited knowledge (in my 16 year marriage). With that being said, I attended a concert last night (The Blue Mountain Tour with Brandon Heath and Matt Marr) and the subject of marriage jolted something within me. So as I spent an hour with God this morning, I wrote out my thoughts on why so many marriages are failing all around us.

I consider Pete and me to have a pretty healthy marriage. Sure, we have are lows and highs. We struggle with communication. We try to place God first in our life, but it doesn’t always happen. I explode at him for little things like – getting up off the couch (you know turning off the Notre Dame game) to mow the lawn and help out with household chores. I am what I consider a pretty normal wife (at least on my good days). I would consider Pete a pretty normal husband (and sometimes above average)! Even with the good traits that we do have, we still find it hard not to bicker at each other. Let’s face it, moving two very independent people into one household is not an easy task. It takes work which can be exhausting.

The other day Pete and I had an argument over one of our kids joining an extra-curricular activity. You see over the years, the new “cool” thing to do is to have your kids involved in club sports. They cost money (sometimes lots of it) and it sometimes involves traveling around to places besides your home town. Pete and I did not agree on whether this child should be involved in the club sport. I am not going to go into details as to who believed what because that truly doesn’t matter. The point is we were arguing about this. One of us thought it was a little ridiculous to spend money for our child to join this “elite” group. The other one of us thought it was a great idea and a true bonding opportunity with the child. So one of us thought it was worth the money and the other did not. Finances are a huge deal in marriage. I would venture to guess that over 60% of our arguments are on finances. We don’t always agree on how to spend our money (or should I say God’s money). So as I saw the argument that day – it was a win/lose situation. Either I would walk away a “winner” or a “loser.” Well, let’s just say I walked away very frustrated and bitter. All I could think about was, “How can he not see my side to this?” My feelings led me down a rocky path.

Isaiah 30:21 Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”

I realized after the argument that I was not going to relinquish my bitterness until I spent some time with God. After a few days of prayer, I realized that our argument was not productive (Duh, but some more insight will appear). We had issued clear cut lines – you win or you lose. When you have this type of argument, you know you are in trouble. I am here to tell you – winners and losers do not belong in marriage arguments. Sure in team competitions it is great to have a winner or loser. You compete by performing your best and you walk away either with a win or a loss title. BUT you don’t have to live day in and day out with that competitor. You aren’t sharing your finances, your family, your bed, and your secrets with that competitor. After a hard fought competition in a marriage, you will reside with the sulking losers or bragging winner – FOREVER! Bitterness and feelings of power are then taking root in the foundation of your home. Not good. Bitterness and power can lead to some pretty hefty arguments later. Letting things fester because you “lost” an argument can harbor resentment. In addition, gloating in your win can bring out feelings of pride and power which will only make the bitter spouse more unpleasant to live with. Can you see where I am going with this? Can you see why divorce rates are at an all-time high? Winners and losers just do not belong in marriages.

How do we get rid of this win/lose attitude? Well, it starts with God. Psalm 32:8 comes to mind “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.” Both spouses must find time with God daily to see their own sin clearly. Let’s take my example of the argument Pete and I had with the extracurricular activity. Suppose that before I approached Pete with this topic, I had taken the time to pray on my own (which I didn’t). Even better, what if Pete and I prayed together before we discussed it? After prayer, we could begin discussing the situation. I give Pete time to present his opinion and I do the same after he is finished. We continue to discuss (not yell). During the discussion, we come to a realization that we both love our child and know that this decision is important because there is a financial aspect to it. It might even be a good idea to ask for God’s help during the discussion also. Instead of making this a win/lose scenario, all the sudden it becomes discernment; discerning whether or not we should be taking on this extracurricular activity as a family. I know you think this is crazy, but this is actually how the argument did pan out. After Pete and I discussed the issue again, we came to a decision TOGETHER. I did not walk away feeling like a loser. I walked away feeling like God played a part in the plan. Even though it was not my choice at first, it became my choice because we made the decision TOGETHER and not individually. We were a team. We were fighting for our marriage. We didn’t breed bitterness and resentment; we showed love to one other by listening. Lastly, give God thanks at the end of the discussion.

Weeks later, I realized what had happened. We had God so close to our heart that He helped us come to the decision. Because God was involved in the discussion, we were at peace and both felt equal in the decision process. What I found out through this was that prayer is so needed before, during and after difficult discussions. Instead of flying off the handle (which I still do – I can’t help it), choose to pray. During a heated argument – stop and pray. After a decision is reached, pray again. Fight for your marriage. It is too easy to succumb to bitterness and control. It is too easy to say I have just fallen out of love with my spouse. It is too easy to say, I have found someone else. Fight! Let God help you through your disagreements. Let God lead the way instead of your own selfish desire to win.

Colossians 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.

The Four Major Hurdles to Marital Happiness, Part One

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For most couples married any length of time, it’s not unusual to have disagreements or fights.  We’ve been told and taught for centuries that God’s plan for humanity is that women and men will seek and find completeness in one another, that the various parts weren’t designed by accident, and so forth. Doesn’t mean we aren’t going to have fights.

Regardless of where you stand in this search, the fact that spouses fight is not terribly important.  HOW we fight IS important, and there are scores of books on that subject.  Suffice it to say for this moment that there IS such a thing as fighting fair, and that learning how is one of the important early lessons in young marriages.  Learning to avoid John Gottman’s Four Horses of the Apocalypse—criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling—is a good place to start.

My view, again, is that regardless of how frequently or how actively couples fight, they tend NOT to fight about a dozen different subjects.  They tend to have the same fight, again and again.  It may come in different disguises, with different backdrops, but it’s typically the same fight.  And, unless I miss my bet, the root cause falls into one of four categories:

Children

Money

Sex

Division of Labor 

These, I believe, are the big issues, the potential deal-breakers, the stumbling blocks that keep many couples from thriving through the difficult first decade of marriage and children.   Within sacramental marriage, then, how are we to deal with these issues in a successful way, i.e., one that keeps us connected spiritually, physically and emotionally with our spouse in a world that moves at light speed?

This post will focus on the first two.  The next post will look at the last two, and offer some final thoughts.

Children

The decision to have children is perhaps the largest question we as humans face as we enter adulthood.  Having kids changes everything, is twice as hard as you expect, twice as expensive, and infinitely more rewarding.  Until and unless a couple is on the same page concerning whether to have children, when, how many, etc., they are setting themselves up for difficulty down the road.  Couples who get married with the intention of finding common ground on this subject at some later date may find it impossible.  Too, the notion that having a child, or another child, is the prescription for a troubled marriage is bad reasoning.

Children will test your marriage in fairly direct proportion to their eventual number.  Couples determined to survive and enjoy these years will usually reap immeasurable rewards in their later years.  As my wife points out in the discussion over religious freedom and healthcare, being pregnant is not a disease.  But the commitment, in terms of things foregone, pleasures deferred, lifestyles altered, is critical.  We believe it is not our choice as to whether or when God chooses to bless our lives with children, but within sacramental marriage we hope that the husband and wife understand relevant scripture, as well as their own feelings on these issues, and respect the feelings of their spouse.

Money

Money has been called the root of all evil, and it is certainly at the heart of a lot of marital discord.  For many of us, money has become our god, and we consume ourselves in its pursuit.  Recognizing this in ourselves and agreeing on how to handle money before getting married will head off many troubles in the years afterward.  Not all, but many.

Nancy and I struggled financially for years, raising three children while I pursued what would kindly be characterized as a lackluster career.  I was on straight commission for 20 years, and my income, in addition to being insufficient, was unpredictable.  I put off Nancy’s entreaties to make and live on a budget literally for decades.  During those years, I wasted a lot of time worrying about money, and I expect someday to be held accountable for all of that wasted time.

OLMC offers several financial workshops, as well as a host of books on the topic in the church library.  If you and your spouse are arguing over money all the time, it couldn’t hurt to sign up for a workshop—together—and start working this thing out. Nancy and I have been on a fairly rigorous budget now for roughly three years, and it has improved our marriage.  The process of making the budget and then living (more or less) within it, for me, has been virtually painless.  And to think I resisted for 25 years.

One more thing about money.  Make sure there is a Charitable Giving line in your budget, and remember Jesus’ words in St. Matthew’s gospel about first fruits.

Next time, we’ll examine the topics of Sex and The Division of Labor.