Love for the Long Haul, by Susan Vogt

Posted on January 26, 2013 by Bruce Allen

This is a find from Gary Galvin, who posted the link to this nice article on Twitter yesterday.

Susan Vogt is a freelance speaker and writer on marriage, parenting and spirituality (www.SusanVogt.net). She and her husband of 35+ years, Jim, live in Covington, Kentucky. They have four adult children. She is the author of Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference and Just Family Nights. Susan advised the U.S. bishops’ Committee on Marriage and Family (2000-2002) and is content editor for their For Your Marriage Web site.

Enjoy these ten tips for a long, loving marriage. Here’s a taste:

“Successful marriage is not so much a matter of finding the right person but being the right person. There are probably quite a few potential partners with whom an individual could be happy. The challenge is knowing when to bend and change yourself versus when to stand up for yourself. It takes a pretty flexible pair of people to make this dance work. Love is essential but not sufficient.”

The Economics of Marriage

Posted on January 9, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Posted by Christine Burrows 1/9/2013

My kids’ 10th grade economics teacher, Bonnie Kelley, taught that economics isn’t about money. Rather, it’s about choices.

She was referring to setting priorities based upon a person’s, or a business’, or a government’s earnings, and making spending choices that reflect those priorities. Based on the premise that you can’t have it all, economics is about picking between those things or opportunities you CAN have. Or, as academics say, the artful allocation of scarce resources.

This task of prioritizing how to earn and allocate income is a daunting task for large entities – witness the Federal Government. It’s daunting for individuals – witness our college daughter during her first semester in college. So, why should it to be any less difficult for two adults in a marriage?

When we were first married, Peter owned a car and a house and had almost finished paying off his student loans. I had a small student loan and no other debt. We both had full-time jobs in our fields. We were flush. It feels like we’ve never had as much money as we had back then.

So, what did we do? Buy a bigger house! Between the time we qualified for the house on our combined income and moved into it, we took some major hits – Peter took a 20% pay cut, and I quit my teaching job and didn’t find another real position for another year. Suddenly, we were in our big new house, living on about 50% of what we had qualified on.

Macaroni and cheese and Gin Rummy were staples for our Friday nights. They were good times… not really. It was downright tough. But in retrospect, it was an important time in our marriage. We had to figure out our priorities: making the mortgage payment, maintaining cars, meeting basic physical needs were the basics. The extras, like going out? Decorating the home? Saving for a rainy day? These required choices, and took some serious conversations. At times, I thought a new pair of shoes was the best use of our money. (Or, maybe, I just wanted some new shoes, and, like a child, was unwilling to accept the pain of not getting what I wanted!)

Basic application: If we are not rich, and most folks aren’t, we must accept that there will be things we just can’t have!

Higher level application: If a married couple accepts that they can’t have it all, they agree to share in both the pleasures and the disappointments that come from not being able to have everything they want. Even steven.

Herein lies the key to the economics of marriage – you just can’t have it all (or at least most of us can’t). So, when you’re trimming back from ALL, what gets trimmed? Doing the trimming together is tough, but ultimately more genuine when you reach those decisions together, if not completely. Learning how to defer gratification in your youth will shower rewards upon you later in your lives.

This is hard stuff – no getting around it. But, isn’t it the right thing? As compared to, say, running up a bunch of credit cards and crying when the mail comes each day? When making sacrifices together, they are a little easier. Reaching these agreements peacefully is an art form that develops over years.

Let me say this: I don’t really like macaroni and cheese. I laugh when I think about the rummy games from those early days in our marriage. But I can’t remember a single pair of shoes I bought back then.

What’s Mine is Mine, What’s Yours is Ours

Posted on December 30, 2012 by Bruce Allen

One of the laugh lines in our marriage has been Nancy’s tongue-in-cheek dictum that “What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is ours.” This has been a reminder over the past 37 years that marrying a woman from New Jersey can be fraught with peril. And a lot of laughs.

Love’s Sacred Embrace is devoting the month of January to two complementary themes: Money, Budgeting and Finances, and Submission to Each Other. For many of us, January is the financial hangover that follows the commercial binge of the Christmas season. Despite our best intentions and promises to “hold the line,” we typically confront January with a pile of bills stacked on top of the usual pile of bills. It can be a dreadfully stressful situation, one which, at least for me, used to take much of the joy out of the season. Fortunately, my Jersey girl insisted four years ago that we create a budget, and I, being the good husband I am, submitted to her wishes, albeit only after decades of resisting.

A budget, by itself, is not a solution to a lifestyle in which expenditures routinely exceed incomes. The process of putting together a budget, however, forces couples to discuss which things are more or less important to them. A budget, to which each spouse eventually commits (submits), then, is a process, a negotiation, a way of discovering what is important to each other, and what less-important things must be sacrificed in order to have the important stuff.

It’s probably true that a good working budget forces each spouse to acknowledge the truth that you win some, and you lose some. As in all things related to marriage, if one spouse does all the giving up, and the other spouse does all the winning, there will be storm clouds on the horizon.

Our bloggers will be addressing finances, and submission, in the coming few weeks. I discovered a site called Money and Marriage God’s Way which offers a host of information and insights into this subject. Here’s a sample.

As the article points out, in a working sacramental marriage, there is no yours and no mine. There is only ours. Someone needs to break this news to Nancy.

For a great conversation on this topic, please join us on January 12th for Second Saturdays: Marriage on Tap. Brett Selear will lead a date night discussion on the topic of recovering from the holidays, financially and spiritually.

Make Your Marriage a (good) Habit

Posted on December 14, 2012 by Bruce Allen

Posted by Christine Burrows

Peter and I have been married for 22 years. Our mothers introduced us when I was 15 and he was 16. We were each others’ first loves.

When he left for college, we wrote letters to one another every day. We got to see one another about once a month, and were always elated to be in one another’s company, putting our best forward for our short times together. Through our visits and our letters, we supported one another through the transitions from home to college, from teen to adult. Although we didn’t make a straight shot from high school to marriage (with more than a few break-ups in between), we finally decided to marry in June of 1990 while attending one of 16 friends’ weddings that year. Four months later, on October 26, 1990, we got married.

The first year of marriage was hard. We had some financial stresses right away, and, quite honestly, I was feeling anxious about the “foreverness” of marriage. I wanted to fall in love again. I would say we were pretty near to calling it quits between our first and second anniversaries. Nothing else explains why we didn’t, other than that God had plans for us, and He shed his loving grace upon us. We recommitted to one another and got pregnant with our first child right around our second anniversary. From that moment on, we have been intensely aware of God’s grace in our marriage. We have been lucky – 4 well-adjusted kids, relatively few financial strains, good health, and almost 100% shared values. Some might consider ours an easy marriage – now.

And then there’s my sister. I won’t air her laundry, but her marriage isn’t as easy as mine. She and her husband seem to wrestle with more conflicts than Peter and I do. But we are both challenged to build strong marriages. She and her husband have to recover from conflicts and move forward. Peter and I have to find ways to not become bored or fail to challenge ourselves to be better individuals and partners. In the end, we all have to create the good habit of being married.

Think about some good habits: giving to charity, exercising, eating healthfully, praying, being on time, etc. While these are all terrific, they can sometimes fall by the wayside because we get lazy. Being a good spouse is a habit we must train ourselves in, and this takes discipline, among other things. We can’t let ourselves become flooded by the tide of stuff that comes up, or because we are simply tired. Intimate emotional connections need tending.

Some of the things you and your spouse did when you were courting might come in handy now – writing letters and poems to one another, going on dates, affirming one another, actively trying to bring joy to the other, doing kind deeds, supporting one another through transitions, etc. Doing these things, establishing and practicing positive habits within marriage, can become the routine if we stay on top of them.

Winning

Posted on December 8, 2012 by Bruce Allen

Today I find myself thinking about the differences between boys and girls, men and women, husbands and wives. This, as a way of understanding how men’s orientation toward the concept of marriage is shaped by genetics and socialization, and why this basic—ingrained?—orientation may need to evolve if the marriage is to be built on a solid foundation.

I heard a story on NPR recently that examined the differences in infant boys and infant girls. In the experiment, a Plexiglas barrier was placed between the baby and its mother, so that the baby could see mom, but could not reach or touch her. As expected, the girls, more mature at this age, figured out quickly that they were upset, and began to cry. The boys, after a while, discovered they were frustrated, and began seeking ways around and over the barrier, becoming angry when they were unable to do so.

Backs up what I used to observe when our kids would encounter adversity on the sports field: Girls get sad, boys get mad. This is not me being a chauvinist; it’s an academic study that happens to support my own bias, and which I therefore endorse.

Here’s what boys are NOT taught by their peers growing up:

Colossians 3:12 ¹²Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.

For most boys, our orientation toward the world typically becomes one of competition—for the parents’ attention versus siblings, in sports, in school, for the ability to impress the girls. Not surprisingly, this, along with our genetic predisposition to action, causes many of us to approach the institution of marriage with the idea of winning. Seeking out the ideal girl or woman, crushing the competition for her affections, convincing her of the indescribable joy in store for her as your mate for life, and getting interest-free financing on the ring.

Anyone see anything in here about kindness, humility, meekness or patience?

Once we’ve landed her, and have had a few years to get adjusted to the reality of living together, this male orientation easily produces a mindset in which the relationship is seen as a zero sum game wherein fun is set against responsibility. And, typically, he sets about winning, having as much fun as he can get away with, and doing as little as possible to keep the family unit intact without incurring the absolute wrath of his spouse. Winning.

His spouse, by the way, came up learning how to nurture and communicate with those around her, probably has a predisposition to understanding our natures, for better or worse, and generally is not surprised to get the short end of the transactional straw. In Iris Krasnow’s book The Secret Lives of Wives, a number of wives share stories of how they found happiness with the smaller share. I joke with Nancy about arm-wrestling her for the last piece of her peach pie. For many couples, their marriage IS the pie. They do “arm-wrestle.” And the men “win.”

Matthew 20:26 It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant.

One of the lessons I’ve learned along the way of my own relatively short spiritual journey is that my language of love, acts of service, is in fact one of the behaviors Jesus insists we adopt as members of the Body of Christ and, on a smaller scale, as husbands. (Talk about a lucky break.) It took me years to appreciate this, during which I feel I slacked on Nancy, notably while our children were growing up. I was out of town too much of the time, trying to pack a week’s worth of living into a two day weekend. I was very transactional. I was trying to win.

In the early 2000’s, Nancy’s career path and mine crossed. Hers was on the way up, after 13 years at home with the kids. Mine was trending downward. Eventually, I adopted the attitude that I would focus on taking care of a few more tasks of running the house than before, which included grocery shopping and most of the cooking. This was what I could contribute to the marriage while I was having career issues. This was also about the time I began my conversion, after 50 years of having been intentionally un-churched, which may or may not be a coincidence.

Mark 10:43-45 ⁴³Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, ⁴⁴and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. ⁴⁵For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

The over-arching lesson of all of this for me: if we as men adopt a posture of service to God, our spouses, and our children, early in our marriages, it will produce more aggregate happiness, and God will smile on us for having seen the wisdom of His Son’s many lessons, quoted here in Mark’s gospel. In my case, the language of love was there, but I was unwilling of or unable to acknowledge the Holy Spirit, urging me to be a better husband. I think it must be a rare marriage, indeed, in which the husband is committed as Jesus prescribed, and the wife (and relationship) is not happy, content, and aligned with the Word of God. Gentlemen, it is so NOT about winning.

The Four Major Hurdles to Marital Happiness, Part Two

Posted on November 26, 2012 by Bruce Allen

Our previous post explored the challenges that children bring to a marriage, and some of the financial implications of living together as husband and wife. This second piece focuses on two other subjects that married couples need to resolve lovingly, those being sex and the equitable sharing of household tasks.

About Sex

The Church’s teachings on sex and intimacy in marriage have evolved greatly over the past 25 years. Historically, it was one of those things Catholics just didn’t talk about, as you could even get in trouble talking about it in some places, such as parochial schools.

Since the publication of Theology of the Body and the books that discuss it—The Good News About Sex and Marriage being first and foremost—there are many Catholic resources out there for couples seeking both physical and emotional intimacy in the marital bed.

The Love’s Sacred Embrace retreats at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel are centered on Theology of the Body, on connecting the physical and spiritual aspects of our marriages with Christ’s marriage to His Church. If we ignore the spiritual side of our marriage, it’s easy to get caught up in the secular elements—the ones that come at you in the hundreds—that put a serious strain on relationships.

There will be plenty more posts on the topic of sex within sacramental marriage. For now, let us simply acknowledge that our physical relationship with our spouse is a gift from God, an integral part of sacramental marriage. As Catholics, we are called to celebrate our marriages—to our spouse, and as part of the Body of Christ—fully in both their spiritual and human aspects.

Last word on this subject—it’s okay to have sex with your spouse. In fact, it’s VERY okay. It is a living re-presentation of your marriage vows. And do you even KNOW what The Touch of Eden is? You’ll have to attend a retreat at OLMC to find out!

About the Division of Labor

The commentary on the Mass two weeks ago addressed an idea that has been floating around in my head for awhile, but one that I’ve never been able to adequately express. It is the Servant-Leader, and its importance was immediately visible to me as regards marriage enrichment.

Clearly, the commentary was focused on Jesus as the ultimate Servant-Leader, the savior who came to earth not to be served, but to serve. This model, of service to the ones we love, is a perfect template for bringing harmony to our marriages.

The Division of Labor argument typically finds both spouses feeling put upon and unappreciated for all they do, and usually provokes some form of hostility. In the background of this argument is the suggestion that neither spouse wants to do a heckuva lot more than what they’re already doing to keep the wheels on. It is this orientation, which is completely human and understandable, that must be re-examined in order for couples to escape repeated instances of this dispute.

As with most things Christian, the answer is paradoxical. The answer is to seek opportunities to serve your spouse, above and beyond the call, so to speak. Volunteer to take early duty with the kids on both Saturday and Sunday one weekend. Play checkers with his dad while he goes to a pub on Sunday to watch the Colts. Come home early and make dinner for her book club.

Jesus was the model of the Servant-Leader, and we as husbands and wives are called to serve one another. The side effect, of course, is that both spouses are happier, and a cycle of service can help these small acts of service become a way of life. One that works both ways. Not-so-random acts of kindness that anticipate needs and are offered up without being asked. Leaning into one another, in small ways, rather than leaning away.

For those with too much to do, the answer is to seek one’s partner, and volunteer to do more. Negotiate where the time will come from. Seek “Acknowledgement, Acceptance and Appreciation” for your efforts. Enlist the help of The Holy Spirit. Your spouse will usually reciprocate, and offer to help you in some way, almost always without being asked. Repeat, and repeat again. Release the power of your faith. Give it up, and see if The Holy Spirit doesn’t lighten your load.

Summary

If you and your spouse are spending a great deal of your time arguing, it may be that you could benefit from some coaching in some common areas of discord. The marriage enrichment ministry at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel wishes to be a resource to help improve your marriage. Our bi-annual retreats and monthly Marriage on Tap events are great places to meet other Catholic couples with similar concerns and an interest in creating an environment that supports marriage in our community.

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If things in your marriage have moved too far along for the kind of informal support we provide in this ministry, we recommend you seek help from Third Option, a Catholic support group for marriages in trouble.

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