Beatitudes for Young Mothers

Posted on February 20, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Of the eight beatitudes from The Sermon on the Mount, several can be applied to our marriages and to each of us in our roles as parents. When we fail to respond to Christ’s calls to these heavenly blessings, we not only tarnish our hopes of seeing heaven, but we can damage our relationships with our families. When we turn some of our worries over to God, we are better able to handle those that remain.

I am going to assume that, all other things being equal, in the early part of the 21^st century, American women, young and not-so-young, do more parenting than their men. That WAY more of the burdens of caring, planning, packing, arranging, scheduling, and doctoring, are borne by our wives, no matter how liberated we husbands claim to be. (As for playing with our kids, that may be a draw.) I infer, then, that way more of the pressures of parenthood end up on the moms. This vestige of the days when we lived in caves seems almost universal. Therefore, I suggest that two of the three Beatitudes discussed here are more relevant for mothers. (Men are welcome to shoulder the other five, and will probably become better fathers in the process.)

As I see it, from the perspective of 38 years of marriage and three children, the most important of the Beatitudes for young parents tells us that the merciful will be shown mercy. As the speed of life increases, as our families grow, and as the demands upon us from one another, our children, our parents and our siblings continue to build, we often reach a point at which we must release pressure. How we release this pressure is important.

Although I routinely confess to having cursed A LOT when I go to reconciliation, I do everything I can to avoid cursing at Nancy. In the worst of our arguments, over almost four decades we have used next to NO profanity. If cursing one another is a regular feature of your lives, whether you’re fighting or not, you are chipping away at the foundation of trust, respect and intimacy at the core of your marriage. And over long periods of time, a damaged foundation will be prone to collapse when under stress. Agree not to curse at one another. Ever. It’s not that hard.

To me, it’s not surprising that so many working mothers are stressed out. To me, the wonder is that not ALL working mothers are stressed out, followed in short order by mothers, period. (Heck, maybe they are, and I’m just too old and out of touch to realize it.) Raising children takes more out of people than almost anything else I can think of. I applaud our readers who are doing everything they can to be good parents. During Lent especially, I pray that mothers everywhere can find it in themselves to show their children, and their defective, fallen husbands, mercy. Even when they don’t deserve it. For the fathers, I pray that you fully grasp the mental and physical challenges involved in being a mother, and that you not only appreciate her efforts, but do all you can to lighten them.

Earlier, Christ tells us that the meek shall inherit the earth. Today, for many of us, the meek are, in fact, our own children. They are the ones depending upon us for all of their needs–physical, emotional, intellectual. When we release our pressure on them, we probably cause harm. We may instill doubt in their hearts, doubt that we truly love them, and this can be a corrosive concern for a kid growing up. Our children need have no doubts that they are loved by their parents, even on the worst of days. Shielding them from our impatience is a grace from God, received through prayer. Short, momentary bursts of prayer during the day, staying in touch with God, staying cool, staying in tune with the universe. 🙂

Most of us know people, women generally, who like the idea of being surrounded all day by five kids under the age of six. At our bible study last fall, one of the young women at my table, working as a nanny to put herself through school, asked God for forgiveness for having had all three of her charges in tears that day at the same time. This latter person is, I believe, far more common than the former, although most of us know women like this, and some of us have been blessed to have them look after our own kids at times. But if this isn’t you, it doesn’t mean you can’t be an effective and loving mother. It just means you need to pray harder. You’re already doing all you can. So get help–invite the Holy Spirit to lend a hand when doing it all alone seems to be too much.

I wrote a witness for bible study this week in which I observed that I never really got along very well with my own mother. She was something of a perfectionist, I was anything but perfect, and an only child, to boot, and her continuous disappointment with me colored our relationship until the day she died. If you’re a young mother, and you’re struggling, you may want to pray about how your child will remember his or her childhood. If, during times of stress, you remember that we are called by God to be gentle, that the meek shall inherit the earth, it may be easier to maintain your composure and allow the rough moments to pass, so that they easily recall good times growing up.

Finally, it is the peacemakers who shall be called children of God. This, thankfully, applies to husbands and wives, mothers and fathers. If our children grow up amidst chaos, they will seek it as adults, and will find themselves in tumultuous relationships. Our home should be our refuge, and all of us crave the comfort and security that comes from a home that is one of warmth, love, understanding and acceptance.

Sure, things get wild, maybe every day, and hopefully on purpose; our homes are not meant to be tombs. But they are, at some point, and on some level, where we rest our heads and our hearts. Couples willing to spend half an hour together after the kids are in bed putting their homes back together for the next day’s festivities are, again, sharing God’s grace.

There will be more basketball games on TV. There will be more IMs on Facebook. But there will never again be a time when you can have this much positive influence over your kids and the adults they will one day become; their peers are gaining on you. The world is filled with people who regret not having been more engaged parents. There are relatively few people out there who, looking back over their lives, regret not having watched more basketball.

So, during this Lent, let us all promise to do more to promote peace, love and understanding in our own homes. Husbands, fathers, let us support our wives in their roles as mothers, and let us all show mercy to our own families first, and the rest of the world in its turn. While it’s not as good as having been there for The Sermon on the Mount, we will be integrating the word of God into our daily lives. He will be pleased with us.

How Do We Practice Humility in our Marriage?

Posted on February 17, 2013 by Sarah Galvin

What does it mean to practice humility in our marriage? In Fr. Adam’s homily last Sunday he reflected on this virtue and I’ve been thinking about it a lot this week. One of the first thing that comes to mind as I reflect on my own humility (or Iack thereof) as it relates to marriage is that famous letter from Paul to the Corinthians. Love is many things but when practicing humility in our love we must be honest about our own weaknesses. It’s easy to fall into a pattern of judgment within our marriage. For example, he didn’t do that. She is mad at me for no reason. This fight was his/her fault. I think we can all agree that this is not the love and humility that God asks from us when He calls us to the Sacrament of Marriage.

If we are humble, we are more able to love unconditionally. God created us in His likeness and He wants us to be like Him. No doubt I’ve said the term “unconditional love” hundreds of times but not until recently did I really think about what those words actually mean. Oftentimes you hear the phrase that marriage is a “2 way street” meaning that both husband and wife need to give 50% to make a marriage work. There is definitely some truth that this but when we love unconditionally, don’t we love without demanding something in return? Isn’t that the way God loves us? Despite our human frailty and weakness God loves us. Although he desperately wants our love in return, He places no conditions on His love for us. So, in our human attempts to love unconditionally – especially our spouses, we shouldn’t place conditions on our love. In simpler terms, love doesn’t keep score.

Knowing this truth is easy. It’s putting it into practice that’s hard. It is easier to give after we have received, and I guess it’s also easier to give when we know we will eventually receive in return. What about our gift that won’t be reciprocal? Isn’t this an example of the love and compassion that God asks of us? Perhaps, God created us imperfectly so that we would recognize that in practicing compassion we most love as He loves.

During lent as we take the time to discern about our faith and prepare ourselves for Easter, we should also take time to reflect on God’s love for us. For what greater sign of God’s love is there than the gift of His only son to eventually die on the cross and save us from our humanity. While it is impossible in our human frailty to fully love as God loves, we must remember that He created us to Love like Him. It is in giving of ourselves that we receive and what better way to give to our spouse than to love them as Jesus would.

5 Reasons to Speak Positively about your Spouse at Work

Posted on February 15, 2013 by Bruce Allen

This is a nice short piece explaining why it’s a good idea not to speak badly about your spouse at work, by Kevin Lowry at The Integrated Catholic Life.org. Like me, Kevin is a convert. Unlike me, he is devoting his life to evangelization and bringing Protestants into the Catholic faith. Here’s his post from earlier this week:

“Sorry, I can’t do it tonight. The old ball and chain gets ticked off if I’m out late.”

How many times have we heard derogatory comments like this about spouses in the workplace? Even worse, snide remarks can give way to all-out whining: “My husband is such a jerk sometimes” or “My wife completely lost interest in me after we began having kids.”

Sacramental marriage should be in a different league than this, but we all live in a culture that hasn’t done the greatest job honoring the institution. In reality, we also know that even the strongest sacramental marriages sometimes go through serious challenges.

So what’s a good Catholic spouse to do?

Well, brace yourself for some good news. There are things we can do to honor our spouses in the workplace, and not be swayed by the cultural winds that sometime blow all around us. How about this one: always speak positively about your spouse at work. Why? Here are five reasons – and they just scratch the surface.

Complaining about your spouse lacks class. Oh, maybe it’s fashionable to gripe and assume an attitude of superiority over your spouse. But does that make it right, and does it really make you happy? Probably not. Besides, if your spouse is such an idiot, what does that say about you, the person who made sacred vows to him or her?
How you speak can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Have you ever noticed how good spouses make each other winners, and bad spouses make each other losers? Words matter. Speaking with honor is part of acting with honor – even when your spouse isn’t around.
It protects your marriage. Even when things are rough at home, airing your grievances at work is the wrong venue. Co-workers who complain about their spouses open up an avenue for support from other co-workers, including those of the opposite sex. This can progress to inappropriate emotional intimacy, and worse.
It’s good for your career. Many of the virtues that make for a faithful spouse also make for a great employee or co-worker. Besides, getting in the habit of speaking positively about others (including your spouse) behind their backs helps build a better culture for everyone in your workplace.
It’s good for your co-workers. We are affected, for better or worse, by the attitudes and behaviors of our co-workers. Demonstrating charity and understanding towards our spouse might just inspire others to do the same.

We can’t single-handedly change the state of marriage in the world, but we can do our best to honor our own marriage vows – and our spouse. Speaking positively about our spouse in the workplace is a great way to improve our marriage, our workplace, and our walk with Christ.

Valentine’s Day Revisited

Posted on February 12, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Thanks to WikiPedia for the following introduction:

February 14 is celebrated as St Valentine’s Day in various Christian denominations; it has, for example, the rank of ‘commemoration’ in the calendar of saints in the Anglican Communion. In addition, the feast day of Saint Valentine is also given in the calendar of saints of the Lutheran Church. However, in the 1969 revision of the Roman Catholic Calendar of Saints, the feast day of Saint Valentine on February 14 was removed from the General Roman Calendar and relegated to particular (local or even national) calendars for the following reason: “Though the memorial of Saint Valentine is ancient, it is left to particular calendars, since, apart from his name, nothing is known of Saint Valentine except that he was buried on the Via Flaminia on February 14.”

Seems there may have been several St. Valentines, at least one of whom was of some low character. The Church, choosing safe over sorry, has given St. Valentine, all three of him, the boot. Not damaging in any way the onslaught of red-colored confections and fru-fru parked in the center aisles of better discount, drug and department stores near you.

Once again, we Christians have managed to turn what was once a religious feast day into a secular selling opportunity. In the process, we routinely substitute grasping for short-term pleasure for seeking lasting happiness. Marketing types endeavor to raise everyone’s expectations, and we approach February 14th with credit cards extended, to ward off any hint of mediocrity or penury in outward displays of monetized affection we tend not to duplicate for another 365 days. Your basic flash in the pan.

Whether it’s on the calendar or not, Valentine’s Day is, in my opinion, another opportunity to affirm for your spouse that you will love him or her forever, that you are glad you married him or her, and that you would happily marry him or her again on most days.

Heading toward our 38th anniversary, Nancy and I don’t go overboard in celebrating most holidays. We are staring retirement in the face, and big displays of what is fairly obvious anyway only serve to put the day when we no longer have to make the daily trudge that much farther away. Christmas and Easter are still big, but Labor Day–not so much.

On most holidays, a bunch of roses from Costco is received as nicely as an FTD delivery and at a third of the price. A plate of salmon on Friday night is virtually indistinguishable from one on Thursday night when we’re busy anyway. Any intra-marital competition is limited to who can find the funnier card. With joint bank accounts, ostentatious gift-giving is a little silly anyway. “Here’s your fabulous gift, darling, and here’s the bill!! Happy Valentine’s Day!”

My new favorite cliche is, “The best things in life aren’t things.” If you want to talk about gifts that keep on giving, talk about the spouse who keeps The Four Horsemen out of your marriage. The spouse who offers to get up early with the kids while you sleep in on a Saturday. The spouse who shows your son how to ride a two-wheeler and your daughter how to bait a hook. The spouse who does so many things around the house without being asked, or expecting to be thanked. The spouse who cleaved to you to create a family, with whom you can be Nanny and PopPop, watching your kids building families of their own, and who will join with you again to envision the families those grandchildren will have someday. All linked inexorably to two people–in our case, a couple of old hippies who met by accident and quickly sensed a connection that will ultimately have led to generations of descendants. Many of whom will have myopia and teenage acne.

In accordance with God’s will.

Though it saddens me to see how a number of my bad qualities have passed on to my children, and are likely to get passed along again, it is a gift to see them working to be effective parents and good wives, as all three of ours are girls. They all married well, and that, too, is a gift from God. These gifts–gifts of serenity, gifts of progeny, gifts of patience and affection and comfort–these are the gifts that experienced Valentine’s Day celebrants look for.

The fru-fru and chocolates can stay right where they are.

Glimpsing Heaven

Posted on February 9, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Posted by Christine Burrows

Genesis 2:18 The Lord God said: It is not good for man to be alone: let us make his complement.

I am a woman. My husband is a man. Simple observations regarding the profound reality of God’s plan for humanity.

As a woman, I have my ways… emotional, nurturing, verbal, inquiring, sensitive.

And, he has his…dutiful, strong, honorable, protective, resourceful.

In marriage, these attributes complement one another. Where one is weak, the other is strong. Where one is needy, the other is helpful…. at least that’s the way it’s supposed to work.

What is the reality of the male/female partnership? Living with these differences is not always easy. It can be especially difficult at times to balance and integrate them in lives lived at the speed of light. When we are prideful, contentious or harried they can be downright frustrating and painful. But, just as the male and female bodies are different AND complementary, so are our natures, our characters.

When we come together with our very different bodies to create something greater than ourselves, so, too, should we seek ways to integrate our psychological, spiritual, and emotional differences to create something far better than each of us individually – a marriage! A symbiotic relationship, in which the sum of the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Just as sexual union involves submission, so, too, does relational union. In God’s plan, both unions are glimpses of heaven. In our mutual submission to one another, we fulfill the divine directive to be fruitful, multiply, and subdue the earth as stewards of our faith and the word of God.

In the reality of our fallen-ness, we don’t always get a full view of this heavenly union. We are humans–prideful, vain, and prone to anger. Thankfully, we are forgiven through reconciliation, and blessed with opportunities to experience this piece of heaven. And, each time we do, we want it more. With great hope, I pray for each of us to savor those glimpses, and to do all we can to sustain them.

Love for the Long Haul, by Susan Vogt

Posted on January 26, 2013 by Bruce Allen

This is a find from Gary Galvin, who posted the link to this nice article on Twitter yesterday.

Susan Vogt is a freelance speaker and writer on marriage, parenting and spirituality (www.SusanVogt.net). She and her husband of 35+ years, Jim, live in Covington, Kentucky. They have four adult children. She is the author of Raising Kids Who Will Make a Difference and Just Family Nights. Susan advised the U.S. bishops’ Committee on Marriage and Family (2000-2002) and is content editor for their For Your Marriage Web site.

Enjoy these ten tips for a long, loving marriage. Here’s a taste:

“Successful marriage is not so much a matter of finding the right person but being the right person. There are probably quite a few potential partners with whom an individual could be happy. The challenge is knowing when to bend and change yourself versus when to stand up for yourself. It takes a pretty flexible pair of people to make this dance work. Love is essential but not sufficient.”

Be Prepared

Posted on January 16, 2013 by Bruce Allen

Matthew 25:13: Watch therefore, for you know neither the day nor the hour.

As married couples playing the back nine of life, it becomes easy to take each other for granted. She’s been here for thirty-some years, she’ll probably stay. We find ourselves living in what might be called a state of peaceful co-existence, sharing tasks, drama-free. Connected emotionally and physically in a global sense, but not always on a daily basis. This is risky business, when you live with someone you love, because, as St. Matthew warns us, you never know…

Think about how you and your spouse said goodbye to one another today, or yesterday. Would you want that exchange to be the last one the two of you ever had? One that you could sit and reflect upon for the next few decades. Those of you who may have lost someone close to you without getting a chance to say goodbye know what I mean. The rest of you need to pray you don’t find out, and take steps to avoid finding out sooner rather than later.

1 John 2:28: And now, little children, abide in him, so that when he appears we may have confidence and not shrink from him in shame at his coming.

How you practice is how you play; this is what sports coaches have been telling kids for centuries. When it comes to marriage, to executing the finer points of marriage, we are called to engage in daily behaviors that will help us avoid years of regret, and which could possibly cost us a trip to salvation.

We must be prepared.

We must make an effort every day to tell our spouse he or she is loved and safe and appreciated. We must make it a daily habit to kiss our spouses at least twice. Like we mean it, none of these air kisses or little annoying pecks. Real kisses. As if you might never see one another again.

We must have a clean heart and a clear conscience, with the sacrament of reconciliation still within its use-by date. We need to take care of business when it comes to finances, in the event we are called unexpectedly. If your retirement plan falls apart if someone dies, it’s not a retirement plan. The idea is to let the surviving partner “stay in his or her world.” financially. If you don’t know how to do this, make an appointment with someone who does. Today.

We must be prepared.

1 Corinthians 15:52: In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed.

If you believe in the second coming, and if you didn’t you probably wouldn’t be reading this, you know it will arrive with no warning. There will be no do-overs. For me, one of the frightening aspects of all this is the fear of leaving things unsaid with Nancy and my family. I, we, must resolve to have those conversations, to write those letters, to leave nothing unsaid. Men, especially, need to pray about this, in that we generally don’t discuss our feelings as readily as do our wives.

The events of September 11, 2001 played a part in my conversion story. If you’re having trouble understanding this ‘ be prepared” stuff, just think about the sensations experienced by the husbands, wives, children and parents, and brothers and sisters of the men and women who lost their lives that day. Out of a clear, crystal blue sky. On a day like any other. With little or no warning. Think of the husbands and wives who failed to kiss each other goodbye that morning, or who went to bed mad the night before and he was gone before she awoke in the morning, and so on.

We must be prepared. To avoid a life of regret on earth, and an eternity of anguish.

John 14:3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also.

We know that what awaits us will be, assuming things work out, infinitely better than the short, generally brutish life most people experience during our time on earth. With the gift of free will, we can choose to ensure that things do, in fact, work out. By consciously and conscientiously practicing our faith. By consciously trying to remain as affectionate as possible with our spouse, in celebration of the fine old wine you’ve become. By giving to the poor and sharing with those less fortunate than ourselves. By counting our blessings. And by leaving nothing unsaid with the people we love.

Because you never know.

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